You Know You Have A Problem When...#6

You Know You Have A Problem When you feel the need to conference call the latest restaurant that you're going to boycott, to inform them that you're going to be boycotting them. ( Need I say more? But you know I will...)

It was two weeks ago that I was feeling a bit like Mommie Dearest where Nicky was concerned. On Monday I took him to the Orthodontist to have his bottom spacer put in and it was not quite what we were expecting. He's had the top spacer for almost a year now, and it's a small piece of plastic (like a MINI retainer) that is affixed to the roof of his mouth and attached by thin wires to two bands on his top, back teeth. I had expected the bottom spacer to be similar, having the plastic sit flush up against the back of his teeth, but this was not the case. Instead, there was no plastic, only a thicker wire, (somewhat like a fat paper clip) in the shape of a U (for lack of a better description) and it backs up to but does not touch his teeth. It just looks like a metal barrier and suffice it to say, I wouldn't want it in my mouth. Nicky was none too happy about it and I apologized profusely but in the long run there was nothing that could be done to make it better; so instead, I made it worse. Nicky's Orthodontic plan for the summer not only included the spacer implementation but also the removal of two permanent teeth and as I had no idea that the spacer would be so unpleasant, I had scheduled his Dentist appointment for Wednesday, FOLLOWING the well checks that I had scheduled at the Pediatrician's for all 3 kids. Thankfully none of the kids needed any vaccinations; so Nicky got a temporary reprieve, but the extractions were unavoidable and my guilt was IMMENSE.

Nicky came through with flying colors and although he was experiencing some discomfort, he did not complain and took it all in stride. Nicky had been given Nitrous Oxide prior to the Novocaine and when I asked him if he had felt the shot, he said "it was just a little pinch." The next day I had an appointment to get a small filling and though I went through my typical anxiety over making a trip to the Dentist; I kept telling myself that I would be brave like Nicky and follow his example, though it may have been a little easier for me if I had Nitrous too. Nonetheless I will admit it was a quick and painless procedure and I think I did Nicky proud.

As all mouths were doing fine, the kids and I went to their swim meet; but we didn't finish until 645pm so I was challenged to find something for dinner that would be both quick and soft, so that Nicky could eat it. I suggested that we get Chinese food from Big Heng because Nicky liked their Lo Mein noodles, no meat, no veggies (which I could order as a side dish) and the girls shared egg rolls and a combo of Terriyaki chicken, and Lo Mein. I didn't order anything for me ( I refer to my list of 100 things #81. Since I try not to eat carbs at dinner, Chinese food has lost it's appeal.)

When I picked up the food I noticed that there were no fortune cookies in the box and since my kids are actually fans of fortune cookies I asked the cashier if I could please have 3. I knew that Nicky wouldn't be able to eat his that night, but I figured with their extensive shelf life he could have it once his mouth had healed. The cashier then informed me that she could only give me two cookies based on what I had ordered. I politely explained that the Lo Mein was for one person and the combo was being shared by two others and the cashier begrudgingly provided me with a third cookie as she was advising me that she would do it this time but her boss would be very upset with her about it. I handed back the third cookie, and told her that she could keep it, but that I wouldn't be coming back. I then proceeded to call Michelle K and say "this is even more shocking than Michael Jackson passing away." I told her the story and then she told me that she had actually ordered food from the same place the night before and that it had been lousy. Then when she took a moment to think about it, she realized that they hadn't been given fortune cookies either, although it didn't bother her at the time. In typical fashion we both agreed to boycott Big Heng; but Michelle really wanted to let them know about it; so we conference called them. I know, I know; WE have a problem; hence the title of this post. Michelle called and asked to speak to the manager which the person who answered the phone claimed to be. Michelle explained that she had ordered $43 worth of food the night before and it wasn't very good AND they weren't given fortune cookies. She then went on to say that her friend had just called and informed her that she had been denied a third fortune cookie with her order. The woman asked what I ordered and I explained. I also informed her that I typically ordered food there once a week and as it so happened I had ordered food twice during this week, but that I would NOT be coming back again. Michelle then asked why the restaurant would give her a free order of Crab Puffs but deny a customer an additional fortune cookie, and that is when we found out about "THE FORTUNE COOKIE POLICY." Yes, you read that right, the "Manager" claimed that I could only have 2 fortune cookies because of the fortune cookie policy, that you receive 2 cookies per entree. The Manager told us that sometimes people received handfuls of cookies and then they didn't eat them, so they installed the fortune cookie policy. I assured her that I wouldn't have asked for the additional cookie if I didn't need it. I asked how I was supposed to get 3 children to share 2 fortune cookies and she told me that she would speak to her boss about changing the policy. I of course told her she could do as she liked, but that I was not going to be coming back, nor was my friend nor whoever else I decided to tell about "The policy." Of course the manager brought up the poor economy, so Michelle suggested that they not give away FREE crab puffs with a $30 order (another unannounced "policy") when cream cheese cost far more than a fortune cookie. I also advised that the effects of losing clientele would be far worse for the restaurants economy than the cost of providing me with one extra cookie. The manager agreed and said that she was going to have a meeting with the boss to discuss the fortune cookie policy. Michelle then asked if it would be an open meeting that we could attend and asked if there was an overcooked Broccoli policy as well. As we laughed like loons, I knew that there was nothing else that needed to be said; and we ended our call.

When I got home the kids immediately asked why there were only 2 fortune cookies and I had to explain to them about the fortune cookie policy. I also explained that we were now going to be boycotting Big Heng and the kids fully understood why (maybe that should be problem # 7 - LOL)

Now do I feel GOOD about the boycott; no not necessarily, but hey it's a matter of principle and I am the Queen of PRINCIPLES. I mean you may read this and think that I am absolutely out of my mind and think that there are far more important things to worry about or focus on, and I don't dispute this; but this "policy" was so ridiculous, and so the type of thing that I encounter all the time, that it just had to be shared because (say it with me) "Who could make this stuff up?"

When Luis called to say he was on his way home, I told him that we were now going to be boycotting Big Heng and he said with a laugh in his voice "Oh I can't wait to hear this one;" and as soon as he walked in the door the kids regaled him with the inane story of the fortune cookie policy. Hmm, Mommie Dearest; maybe not quite but it's going to be an interesting ride for them NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.

Till next time...

Queen of EVERYTHING

Keep On Truckin

OK, I'll admit it; I have mixed feelings about the death of Michael Jackson. Now don't get me wrong; it is always very sad when someone passes away; ESPECIALLYsomeone who has contributed so much to the world of entertainment the way that he did ~ but if we're being honest with ourselves, didn't the Michael Jackson that THRILLED us, the Michael Jackson that we knew and loved, die a LONG time ago? Back in the day Michael was BRILLIANT. He was unstoppable, and untouchable; but then he started touching people who should have been UNTOUCHABLE and he was never viewed the same (at least by me.)

Oh I loved Michael Jackson just as much as the next person. In fact, the first concert that I ever went to was The Jackson 5 at the Nanuet Theater-go-round. I learned to do the robot, to "Dancing Machine," I rocked with him "off the wall" and to this day I have "Can You Feel it" on my IPOD. I've used "Man in the Mirror" on the "Scrapbooking From The Inside Out" playlist numerous times, and I would definitely consider myself a fan; BUT I can't excuse his pediphilia, just because he's dead; IF he's dead... I don't know, I can't help but get the feeling that his death is going to be treated like Elvis' (where people STILL think he's alive and they see him places;) or like Selena (who although was never rumored to still be alive I still can't REALLY believe she's gone) or of course, Princess Diana. People thought that it was a hoax when Princess Diana died, and finding out about her death was very painful for me because I thought I was responsible. Yes, you read that right...

It was 1997 and I was working in the coffeehouse when I had an idea for a "Seinfeld" episode. I called the episode "Keep On Trucking" because Kramer decided that he was going to revive the expression "Keep on trucking" because he thought that it was a perfectly good expression that never got enough play. And then although I hadn't written it all out, I had it all planned in my head and I shared my idea with just about everyone who came into the coffeehouse. Well, about the same time, I came across a joke that I just fell in love with. I don't remember who first told it to me; but suffice it to say I told it to EVERYONE. I even got up at Open Mic night and told this joke; and it went like this:

Dolly Parton and Princess Diana both died and went to heaven. They were waiting at the pearly gates and St. Peter came out to greet them. St. Peter told them that he only had room to admit one of them and asked them to each tell him a bit about themselves and then he'd decide who could stay. Dolly went first, and said (in her southern drawl of course ~) "Well, I'm Dolly Parton, I'm a country music star, I've written lots of songs, I have a theme park , I have tried to do lots of good for people; and, well, I guess I'm best known for my boobs." St. Peter thanked Dolly and asked Princess Diana to speak (and she did in her lovely English accent~) "I'm Princess Diana, and I was a school teacher before I married Prince Charles. I've done a lot of charity work and I douche every day." St. Peter thanked them both and announced that Princess Diana would be walking through the gates. Well Dolly was astounded and asked St. Peter why and he replied "C'mon Dolly, everyone knows a royal flush beats a pair."

OK, so I was at work at the coffeehouse and Bobbi called and said "Oh my god you're thing came true!" I had NO IDEA what she was talking about for a second, and then it dawned on me; "she must mean my Seinfeld episode." I couldn't figure out how that would have happened, but I asked; "You mean my Seinfeld episode?" And she said "No! Princess Diana is dead." OH MY GOD! You could have knocked me over with a feather. I wanted to run and hide under my bed, because I felt like I had brought this on by telling my joke everywhere; "Princess Diana died, Princess Diana died" OY! The guilt was immeasurable. Now, of course I know that it wasn't really my fault and it was just a freaky occurence because (say it with me) "who could make this stuff up?"

Of course I know that I didn't cause or predict Princess Diana's death; just like the poor reporter on TMZ last week had NO IDEA that MJ would die a week later. Yah, I don't usually watch TMZ but just before "SYTYCD" came on, I caught a bit with a reporter going up to MJ's car. His face / head was all wrapped up and the reporter said "Are you alright Michael" and MJ's reply was unintelligible but the subtitle said "Why wouldn't I be?" I guess that's just life; and these are JUST coincidences.

I am saddened by the loss of the King of Pop, and hopefully the world will remember his legacy but not forget what he became. The loss of his childhood, and his mind were terrible wastes; but I hope that in his afterlife he will find peace and keep on truckin.

Till next time...

Queen of EVERYTHING

A Lil Bit about Arizona

When it comes to living in Arizona I go through phases. There are times that I can't wait to venture out and try something new and others when I think that we are really lucky to live here. Lately it seems that I have been in "really lucky to live here" mode; and I recognize this because as I'm driving down the street I notably appreciate the most often blue sky as it contrasts with our flourishing landscapes. I relish the picturesque views and the overall friendliness of the local residents. I am thankful for the cost of living and the affordability of my kids chosen activities and when I talk to non-Arizonians I find myself promoting the state and all that it has to offer.

Luis and I moved to Arizona VERY unexpectedly. We had been living in Orlando for about two and a half years and we were finding it extremely difficult to make trips home to Puerto Vallarta since that wasn't a place that people were really travelling to from Florida and we started thinking about moving West. I called my friend Hollie, who had moved to Phoenix at the same time that we had moved to Orlando. Hollie had been attending Thunderbird (Graduate school for Global Management) and as a side project, she and two friends decided to open a coffeehouse. (I refer to my list of 100 things ~ # 82. Hollie Castro is the most ambitious person I know; and I think she is truly awe inspiring.) The year was 1996 and Starbucks hadn't come to town yet; so their business was doing quite well (they were voted Best Coffeehouse & Best Cup of Coffee, by both the "New Times" and "Arizona Republic" shortly after opening) and as upon her graduation in December Hollie was moving to Italy to work for GE and her partner Julie was moving to Houston, this was going to leave her partner Bobbi looking for a manager. I thought that managing a coffeehouse would be a welcome change from being a social worker so Hollie told me to call Bobbi. After speaking to Bobbi for a half hour, I got the job and Luis and I moved to Phoenix, sight unseen.

People always ask if I miss New York and the truth is that I miss my friends ands I miss the food but that's about it. I LOVE food! And though you could probably guess that just by looking at me, I firmly believe that not ALL overweight people LOVE food. Some are just overweight because they eat (whatever) to fill a void, or because they have poor metabolisms, or don't exercise enough, or because they eat the wrong foods; I however, LOVE food. I love to watch Food Network shows of all kinds

(especially $40 a Day.) I like to read restaurant reviews and menus even if I know that it is for a restaurant that I will never go to. When I'm in a hotel, one of the first things that I do is read about the local eateries and whenever Rachel K is going to a new restaurant she always emails me the menu so I can check it out; because we share a love of food.

Now, because I love food, you have to understand that moving from New York to any other state presents a culinary culture shock like no other. Upon the transition from NY to Florida I recognized the absence of the "Mom and Pop"

style restaurants and the non-existence of Diners ( I refer to my list #7 ~I totally miss New York Diners. Seriously, if there is anyone with some restaurant savvy, and you're looking to strike it rich ~ move to Arizona and open a Good, Old Fashioned, everything from Omelets to Crab stuffed flounder diner, and you will make a Gold Mine.) Aahh the Diner; where you could go any time of the day or night and ALWAYS get anything on the menu. The Diner, with its rotating cake cases with slices as big as your head. The Diner, where I first learned to love french fries and brown gravy and first tasted Baklava (that one was for you Judy; who ALWAYS asked EVERY waiter or waitress at WHICHEVER Diner; "How's the Baklava?") The Diner, where I spent countless hours after a school concert, or having a family dinner or an early morning snack after leaving a club. Aahh the Diner - choices were unlimited and yet I always got the same couple of things ~ BUT alas the chain was the thing in Orlando and the home cooked meals from Italian restaurants were no where to be found. The lack of dining diversity in Orlando somewhat prepared me for the gastronomic deficiency that I first encountered in Phoenix; the land of "Erto." Yes, the Phoenix area is overrun by 24 hour Mexican drive thru joints that frequently have a name that end in "erto." We have Filiberto's, Heriberto's, Hilberto's,Humberto's, Poliberto's Roberto's, and Roliberto's, (just to name a few,) and I'm sure there must be a Berto's too. Now Michelle K has been living in Phoenix a lot longer than me and she had informed me that Erto means meat of the cat; but I have developed my own theory. I hadn't had much exposure to Mexican food prior to moving to Phoenix, and YES, I know that I am married to a Mexican man; but his mom's cooking is not the type of fare that be offered in a Mexican restaurant; although it is DELICIOUS! No, growing up in New City, the only encounter that I had with Mexican food was Tacos at Jack In the Box (a few towns over; ) AND that Jack closed down within a few years. No Mexican food was not prevalent in Rockland County in the 70's and 80's and I offer further proof by explaining that in the 8th grade my Spanish teacher actually planned a field trip to the one and only Mexican restaurant in the county. Now I ask you, if Mexican food was commonplace would our class have been taking a field trip there? Probably not; but I digress...
The "Erto's" are not exactly purveyor's of Mexican cuisine; they are sellers of what I have come to call "ASS BURRITO." Yes, you read that right. Now you can decide for yourself what type of ass I am referring to; but basically I dubbed the popular Carne Asada burrito (from ANY of the "Erto's) ass burrito because it is meat that is typically overcooked and void of taste, (in my opinion) and subsequently not only did the Carne Asada burrito come to be know as ass burrito in my house, but now ALL of the "Erto's" are just generically and affectionately referred to as ass burrito; so, ass burrito is now not only a meal, but a place; or several places. "Aahh, the diner;" she said longingly...

Ass burrito is extremely popular in Phoenix and especially with my family. I honestly think that Luis could eat EVERY meal there and my kids would be righ tbehind him because they love the Quesadillas and beans.

A couple of months ago a brand new Filiberto's was getting ready to open in my neighborhood and to say that Luis and Nicky were waiting for the opening with baited breath would not be an understatement; so the day that I drove by and saw the balloons outside, I knew EXACTLY what we were having for dinner. I told my guys that Filiberto's had opened and they literally could not get there quick enough and because I am the Queen of FAIR; I will admit that the ass burrito was actually good. It had flavor and everything. Now does this mean that I'm a fan? Absolutely NOT, but I will give credit where credit is due and I will eat it out of necessity, although I order a shredded beef taco salad without beans and NOT a Carne Asada anything. Well, last week Luis was at work and time had gotten away from me, so I went to the A.B drive thru. I got the food home and discovered that I now had an additional reason to call them ass burrito because although my receipt said "a pint of beans" these payasos (Spanish word for clowns) sent me home with a pint of rice. Now I ask you, what choice did I have? I loaded the kids into the car and went back to A.B. I requested my beans and asked that they remake my order because I didn't want the kids to eat cold Quesadilla; AND I am now boycotting Filiberto's (not like that's such a hardship for me really.)

Now, although my disclaimers usually appear at the beginning of a post, let me say this: There is A LOT of fabulous food in Phoenix despite the excess of the "Erto's" and if you're visiting, even those are worth a try. A lot has changed food wise since we moved her 12 and a half years ago and the choices now abound. I hope to see ya here sometime because it really is a beautiful place to visit, a great place to live and a wonderful place to eat.
Till next time...
Queen of EVERYTHING