On Saturday my kids and I were going over to Michelle K's to color Easter eggs; (good Jew that I am,) and my husband was going to join us after work for pizza and poker; (just the adults for poker, in case you were wondering.) I had invited my friend Jackie (here on out to be know as VaJJ) "why are all of my friends being nicknamed after the vagina? kinda weird - but I digress;" and while we were driving in her "fast car" as my kids call it, VaJJ, who unfortunately is not in the best of health, started showing me the pharmacy that she had in her purse. She pulled out the sealed syringe of one med, and then a bag of Vicodin which she said was for "if she got cramps." If she got cramps; let me tell you, there was enough Vicodin in this bag for "if" the entire female population of Arizona got cramps. LOL But seeing the Vicodin in the bag reminded me of a story, which I told to VaJJ and will now share with you.
About a year ago I was at Tiffany's house and I started experiencing some pain in my mouth. Now I do have a very high tolerance for pain (delivered 3 kids, no drugs;) but mouth pain stresses me out and I cannot handle it because of my "dentalphobia." That's right, mouth pain signifies a trip to the dentist to me and that just scares the bejeebus out of me. I had asked Tiffany for some Ibuprofen which she gladly gave me; AND she told me that she had Vicodin if I wanted to take a couple with me in case the pain got worse. See what did I tell you; Tiffany is always trying to help. =0)
I took the Vicodin with me, but I didn't find the need to take it and thankfully the pain dissipated.
A few weeks later I went over to Kara's house at lunchtime because Kara was on very, very, restricted bed rest with her third pregnancy and I wanted to bring lunch over and have a visit with her.
Another friend needed a favor so she had dropped her daughter off at Kara's for the sitter to watch. The sitter left and I gave Kara's son, my 2 daughters, and the friend's daughter, lunch. When they were all settled I brought lunch and drinks upstairs for Kara and I but I had forgotten to take my apple cider vinegar pill (I was trying yet again to lose weight,) so I went downstairs, took my pill and then joined Kara upstairs. I wanted to chat with Kara but I didn't want to tell her that I had been going through a really bad depression and was feeling lousy. We had a short visit and then I left to pick up my son from school.
About an hour later I was driving to work and I remember thinking to myself "boy, what a difference a day makes; I feel really good today;" and with that I happily went in to work.
A few hours later I was going to eat dinner and I reached into my purse to get out the baggie with my apple cider vinegar pill and much to my surprise there were 2 apple cider vinegar pills in the baggie, when there should have only been 1 since I took one at lunch. Well, I'm sure you guessed it by now; the pill I took at lunch was not apple cider vinegar; but Vicodin. No wonder my day seemed so much better. The Queen of INCIDENTS strikes again. (Now really, say it with me "who could make this stuff up?"
Maybe someone should alert the company that makes Vicodin; not that they need any help I'm sure, but if for some reason they are ever in need of a slogan I recommend that they say "Vicodin - what a difference a pill makes."
Till next time...
Queen of EVERYTHING
Monday, April 9, 2007
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Big V
Disclaimer: This blog is not yet rated.
OK it's time... I've mentioned her a few times now; so I think it's only fair to explain how Ruthie(yah, I know - Ruth) has come to be known as Big V.
Ruthie and I became friends in 1983; after she asked my brother to the homecoming dance. LOL To quote Julia Roberts from "Pretty Woman," "Big mistake - HUGE;" haha only kidding Randy. Anyway, Ruthie has been my partner in crime and one of my closest friends. Ruthie was VERY close to my mom, which is enough to endear her to me forever; she has also seen me at my very best and my very worst- she's even lived with my, god help her.
When I talk, email or see Ruthie, we have a level of communication and understanding which is mostly based on 80's b-rate movies. We feel the need to quote lines to each other from "About Last Night," and "The Jerk," When we're talking, we find it necessary to make our voices sound like Navin R. Johnson; even if we're not talking about "the Jerk." OK - so we're troubled, but we're troubled together and that's the best part.
Now, back in the day (the day pretty much being when I was growing up;) there was a clothing store called Joyce Leslie. Classy name huh? You can tell what kind of clothes they sold, right? Well, it was like your everyday, regular clothes, trendy and not too pricey. As I got older, in the 80's it was always a good place to go for a going out outfit - so you get the picture.
In 1998, Ruthie told my husband and I that my brother had once told her that when he was a young boy, he used to love to go to Joyce Leslie with my mother because they had an open dressing room (no stalls, just a big room;) and he used to love to see the big vaginas. LOL OMG to write this I am realizing just how warped this is gonna sound...
Anyway, for some reason after hearing this story, we felt compelled to refer to Ruthie as "Big V," and it has been that way ever since. Big V is my son's godmother, so naturally he and my daughters refer to her as "Auntie V;" they have no idea what her real name is or that it is anything other than V. Oh I just can't wait for the day that I get to explain that one.
My brother goes by the name Randy; although that is not his given name, and my kids refer to him as Uncle Randy, so I am just waiting for the day that my kids find out, that Uncle Randy's name isn't really Uncle Randy, and Auntie V's name isn't really Auntie V. You think they'll still believe there's a Santa? Or you know what will come next; "Are you really my mom?"
I'm hoping that my entertainment doesn't scar them for life, because it is absolutely hysterical to me every time I hear them say "Auntie V." She is their Auntie V and they just think the world of her. They love her whether she's a big vagina or not.
Till next time...
Queen of Everything
OK it's time... I've mentioned her a few times now; so I think it's only fair to explain how Ruthie(yah, I know - Ruth) has come to be known as Big V.
Ruthie and I became friends in 1983; after she asked my brother to the homecoming dance. LOL To quote Julia Roberts from "Pretty Woman," "Big mistake - HUGE;" haha only kidding Randy. Anyway, Ruthie has been my partner in crime and one of my closest friends. Ruthie was VERY close to my mom, which is enough to endear her to me forever; she has also seen me at my very best and my very worst- she's even lived with my, god help her.
When I talk, email or see Ruthie, we have a level of communication and understanding which is mostly based on 80's b-rate movies. We feel the need to quote lines to each other from "About Last Night," and "The Jerk," When we're talking, we find it necessary to make our voices sound like Navin R. Johnson; even if we're not talking about "the Jerk." OK - so we're troubled, but we're troubled together and that's the best part.
Now, back in the day (the day pretty much being when I was growing up;) there was a clothing store called Joyce Leslie. Classy name huh? You can tell what kind of clothes they sold, right? Well, it was like your everyday, regular clothes, trendy and not too pricey. As I got older, in the 80's it was always a good place to go for a going out outfit - so you get the picture.
In 1998, Ruthie told my husband and I that my brother had once told her that when he was a young boy, he used to love to go to Joyce Leslie with my mother because they had an open dressing room (no stalls, just a big room;) and he used to love to see the big vaginas. LOL OMG to write this I am realizing just how warped this is gonna sound...
Anyway, for some reason after hearing this story, we felt compelled to refer to Ruthie as "Big V," and it has been that way ever since. Big V is my son's godmother, so naturally he and my daughters refer to her as "Auntie V;" they have no idea what her real name is or that it is anything other than V. Oh I just can't wait for the day that I get to explain that one.
My brother goes by the name Randy; although that is not his given name, and my kids refer to him as Uncle Randy, so I am just waiting for the day that my kids find out, that Uncle Randy's name isn't really Uncle Randy, and Auntie V's name isn't really Auntie V. You think they'll still believe there's a Santa? Or you know what will come next; "Are you really my mom?"
I'm hoping that my entertainment doesn't scar them for life, because it is absolutely hysterical to me every time I hear them say "Auntie V." She is their Auntie V and they just think the world of her. They love her whether she's a big vagina or not.
Till next time...
Queen of Everything
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Happy Birthday to me
My birthday has come early.... Well, not my actual birthday; but, what would you call this - the age that I felt I was in my mind, the way I thought of myself - well that age. You see, on July 28th I'll be turning 40; but in my mind I still thought of myself as 16 or thereabouts. Not to say that I'm immature; just, well - youthful.
Now I know that today's 40 is not the same as what my mom's 40 was, or her mom's 40 - no these are all quite different animals. I have no problem with turning 40, really I don't; but I guess I just always saw myself as younger than that. Maybe it's because I still have a lot of the same friends that I had from high school, college, my early twenties; so I can still relive my glory days on a regular basis; or maybe it's because I think I'm pretty current when it comes to music, fashion etc. AND if I didn't look in the mirror to see the pounds that the years have packed on; I'd never believe it if you told me I was 39.
When I was growing up my parents had this friend named Millie (now that's the name of a 40 something. LOL) Anyway, Millie was a hoot. Millie is from the Bronx, and she smokes like a chimney, so you can imagine what her voice sounds like. Anyway; Millie always told it like it was. She was a great mom, but she was also fun, she was bold, she was the person who sang me the penis colada song. Yup, you read me right; penis colada.
You know that song "Escape"? The one that said "If you like Pina Coladas, getting caught in the rain, if you're not into health food, if you have half a brain..." Well Millie used to sing at the top of her lungs "if you like Penis Coladas, getting caught in the rain..." and me at 16 just thought this was fabulous; so much so that it has actually stuck with me to this day - and during my scrapbooking birthday party last year, "Escape" came on and I proudly sang "if you like Penis Coladas..." and now all my scrapbooking pals know that it can't be sung any other way.
My mom and Millie were true partners in crime. I used to love to be around them, because they always did as they pleased, (kinda sassy and classy for the most part,) they laughed a lot and people loved to be around them. Ultimately, I would be really happy to be the kind of 40 year old that they were; even though I'm not quite ready to think of myself that way just yet.
OK - so the road is twisting now and I'll start heading back in the main direction.
So today after I picked up my older daughter from preschool I took her to Sonic to get a grilled cheese; and as I was driving up the road I saw a naked boy hanging out of the sun roof of a car. Yes, you read that right; a naked boy hanging out of the sun roof of a car. (Now, I ask ya - who could make this stuff up?)
At first I only caught a glimpse of his butt so I thought it was a guy trying to moon people; but as I got closer to the high school, the boy was repositioning himself so that his butt was angled towards the 3 or 5 girls who were on the side of the road trying to take pictures with their cameras/tripods, while jumping up and down and cheering with delight.
OMG - I just couldn't believe it. I mean at 1:45 on a Tuesday afternoon, this was the last thing I expected; and then it happened - grown up me kicked in... Once I got home I got the phone number for the high school and I called the principal. Ultimately I spoke with one of the assistant principals and let him know what I saw. He said that he'd look into it and that was pretty much the end of that.
Honestly, I don't know what bothered me more; the fact that this incident took place or the fact that I had become the mom who was calling the high school to report it. Oh, don't get me wrong, I KNOW I did the right thing. I mean (god forbid) my son or daughters were involved in something like this, I'd want to know about it; and I definitely would want to know what was going on at that school. I think the only reason I say god forbid is because my kids are still so young and innocent that I just can't think of them like that - enjoying the naked butt of the opposite sex as it's hanging out a sun roof in the middle of the school day - OY!
So I guess it's official - I'm no longer 16. I am now parental, I am concerned, I am responsible; and that's OK.
Since it's now clear that I am NOT 16 in my mind; it might be time to start thinking of myself as 26. 26 would be GREAT because then I'm not the cradle robbing bitty who's lusting after Maks from Dancing with the Stars. We'd be just the same age now so all my lustful thoughts of him would be completely age appropriate.
Oh, who am I kidding? I don't really have lustful thoughts about Maks. I just want him to parade around my house with his shirt off, wink at me like he thinks I'm just as hot as I think he is; and maybe, hmm, nope, correction- I do have lustful thoughts about him, and this will be cool because the 26 year old me would know exactly what to do with him whereas the 16 year old me wouldn't have had a clue. - Yup; 26 it is - Lust rocks!!!
Till next time...
Queen of EVERYTHING
Now I know that today's 40 is not the same as what my mom's 40 was, or her mom's 40 - no these are all quite different animals. I have no problem with turning 40, really I don't; but I guess I just always saw myself as younger than that. Maybe it's because I still have a lot of the same friends that I had from high school, college, my early twenties; so I can still relive my glory days on a regular basis; or maybe it's because I think I'm pretty current when it comes to music, fashion etc. AND if I didn't look in the mirror to see the pounds that the years have packed on; I'd never believe it if you told me I was 39.
When I was growing up my parents had this friend named Millie (now that's the name of a 40 something. LOL) Anyway, Millie was a hoot. Millie is from the Bronx, and she smokes like a chimney, so you can imagine what her voice sounds like. Anyway; Millie always told it like it was. She was a great mom, but she was also fun, she was bold, she was the person who sang me the penis colada song. Yup, you read me right; penis colada.
You know that song "Escape"? The one that said "If you like Pina Coladas, getting caught in the rain, if you're not into health food, if you have half a brain..." Well Millie used to sing at the top of her lungs "if you like Penis Coladas, getting caught in the rain..." and me at 16 just thought this was fabulous; so much so that it has actually stuck with me to this day - and during my scrapbooking birthday party last year, "Escape" came on and I proudly sang "if you like Penis Coladas..." and now all my scrapbooking pals know that it can't be sung any other way.
My mom and Millie were true partners in crime. I used to love to be around them, because they always did as they pleased, (kinda sassy and classy for the most part,) they laughed a lot and people loved to be around them. Ultimately, I would be really happy to be the kind of 40 year old that they were; even though I'm not quite ready to think of myself that way just yet.
OK - so the road is twisting now and I'll start heading back in the main direction.
So today after I picked up my older daughter from preschool I took her to Sonic to get a grilled cheese; and as I was driving up the road I saw a naked boy hanging out of the sun roof of a car. Yes, you read that right; a naked boy hanging out of the sun roof of a car. (Now, I ask ya - who could make this stuff up?)
At first I only caught a glimpse of his butt so I thought it was a guy trying to moon people; but as I got closer to the high school, the boy was repositioning himself so that his butt was angled towards the 3 or 5 girls who were on the side of the road trying to take pictures with their cameras/tripods, while jumping up and down and cheering with delight.
OMG - I just couldn't believe it. I mean at 1:45 on a Tuesday afternoon, this was the last thing I expected; and then it happened - grown up me kicked in... Once I got home I got the phone number for the high school and I called the principal. Ultimately I spoke with one of the assistant principals and let him know what I saw. He said that he'd look into it and that was pretty much the end of that.
Honestly, I don't know what bothered me more; the fact that this incident took place or the fact that I had become the mom who was calling the high school to report it. Oh, don't get me wrong, I KNOW I did the right thing. I mean (god forbid) my son or daughters were involved in something like this, I'd want to know about it; and I definitely would want to know what was going on at that school. I think the only reason I say god forbid is because my kids are still so young and innocent that I just can't think of them like that - enjoying the naked butt of the opposite sex as it's hanging out a sun roof in the middle of the school day - OY!
So I guess it's official - I'm no longer 16. I am now parental, I am concerned, I am responsible; and that's OK.
Since it's now clear that I am NOT 16 in my mind; it might be time to start thinking of myself as 26. 26 would be GREAT because then I'm not the cradle robbing bitty who's lusting after Maks from Dancing with the Stars. We'd be just the same age now so all my lustful thoughts of him would be completely age appropriate.
Oh, who am I kidding? I don't really have lustful thoughts about Maks. I just want him to parade around my house with his shirt off, wink at me like he thinks I'm just as hot as I think he is; and maybe, hmm, nope, correction- I do have lustful thoughts about him, and this will be cool because the 26 year old me would know exactly what to do with him whereas the 16 year old me wouldn't have had a clue. - Yup; 26 it is - Lust rocks!!!
Till next time...
Queen of EVERYTHING
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