Thursday, June 14, 2007

Lucy Incarnate

OK, I know that I have previously likened my life to an I Love Lucy episode and here is a prime example of why:
Try as I may; sometimes common sense just does not prevail. Lately I have been quite diligent, if not obsessed with flossing my teeth with these well, floss picks; if you will. So anyway, today while I was at work, I thought that I felt something between my two front teeth and I kept trying to swipe at it with my tongue; but that wasn’t helping. It would have taken very little effort for me to reach down into my purse and get a floss pick; but no, out of sheer laziness, I guess, I opted to use the corner of a check stub that I was about to discard. (I know - GROSS; and actually I cannot believe that I am admitting this in type, but hey it’s all for the greater good and your amusement.)
Anyway, I gently tried to dislodge whatever it was that I thought I had between my teeth; by using the corner of the check stub, and then - the corner of the stub ripped off and got stuck between my teeth. (Why am I suddenly hearing the voice of Rosanne Rosannadanna right now?) In Roseanne Roseannadanna voice “So I said hey, Queen of EVERYTHING, get that little piece of paper out from between your teeth – you’re making me sick.” LOL (And for those of you who have no idea who Roseanne Roseannadanna is; just re-read and leave that part out, and I am sorry, cause you don’t know what you’re missing.)
Anyway, so the paper is stuck between my teeth and you have NO idea the panic that had now taken over my body. I felt like such a moron; and really, all I could picture was Lucy in the same type of situation. Oh my god, it’s just laughable.
Well now I had no choice. I had to bend down the whole 2 feet and reach into my purse to get the floss pick; and after a few minutes, relief was mine.
I’ll tell ya; for a smart girl, I manage to do some pretty stupid things; but at least I get to share them with you.
Till next time…

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

How to Catch A Hamburglar

Now this is getting interesting...
Last night I posted my blog about the McDonald's employee and her drawn on, arch eyebrows. I posted a disclaimer (as I have done before) in attempts to excuse myself in case I was insulting anyone who might be reading my blog; because I would feel terrible if I inadvertently hurt someones feelings. I have previously admitted that I am the Queen of Over thinking, to the point where I can just worry myself sick - because although I have been accused of being the Queen of Caustic; I am also the Queen of Sensitivity and I take things to heart way too much.
OK, so I emailed Rachel, Michelle (not yet legally ) K, and Tiffany to let them know that I have posted a new blog, because they usually like to beat the blogarithm- but this was done at about 1020 pm. So, this morning I had gotten an email from Michelle (not yet legally) K and she mentioned the blog; so I checked my comments as I always do, and there were 2, so I assumed that they were both hers, because she often leaves two. I emailed her to thank her and much to my surprise, she told me that she was NOT the Hamburglar and she asked who was. I said "I don't know; I was sure it was you;" but she said "hell no."
Now you see, the Hamburglar inferred that I didn't care about offending people and the way I originally took the comment was as if it was from one of my good buddies and they were making fun of me, so I thought it was funny; but as time came to pass I started to believe that this wasn't the case; and I became perplexed. I mean I'll admit that on a couple of occasions, I've gotten some comments and I wasn't sure who left them, but given the amount of clever friends that I have; this is totally understandable and I've always been able to find out who it was from; but something was now different about this one. It didn't feel FUN anymore.

OK, so the comment was left at 1233 am and I really wasn't sure who left it. It could have been Big V, but she's in Disney World this week and even if she wasn't, she's on the east coast so the time was all wrong. I emailed my brother and asked him if he was the Hamburglar - but he had no idea what I was talking about. Lesa G said that she wanted to leave a comment as Mayor McCheese, but didn't know how to. It wasn't Rachel, Tiff or Lisa B - so who??
Well, my husband and friends are all speculating; and interestingly enough, they all think it is the same person. We've even discussed trying to smoke out the Hamburglar; but how? I tried getting a hold of Michelle (not yet legally) K to see if she wanted to attempt combat with the Hamburglar; but I was unable to reach her. My good friend Lisa B offered to bait the Hamburglar in the comment area; (and buy, I can't thank her enough for being so sweet;) but since I really don't want any more repercussions, I thought I'd try this approach first.
I guess at this point I am just curious to know who the heck the real Hamburglar is, and what there intention was? I would also like to say, that in my defense, (if I need one;) I know that my humor is often sarcastic and yes sometimes at other people's expense; but I think that I tend to make fun of myself more than I make fun of anyone else. So I hope that you can all see it for what it is. I never wanted to make anyone grimace (haha, I couldn't resist.) (FYI - Grimace, you know; big purple guy that lives in McDonaldland.)
Till next time...

Monday, June 11, 2007

The Hairless Arches

Disclaimer: This blog is not intended to insult anyone who engages in the practice of complete eyebrow removal. I also offer my apologies for the title and welcome anyone to suggest a better one...

I have never really understood why some women choose to completely remove their eyebrows and then draw them back on. This concept is one that just alludes me. I know that back in the day it was a popular thing to do - I’m just not quite sure exactly when that day was.
I must say that here, in Peoria, AZ, it’s not a look that I see often; BUT today, I was astounded when I went to McDonald’s and the woman behind the counter, not only had her eyebrows removed and drawn on; but she had them drawn on in the shape of the McDonald’s arches - I kid you not. (Say it with me; “Who could make this stuff up?”) Man, this takes job loyalty to a whole new level that I have never imagined. LOL The woman was Caucasian, and very tall (at least I think it was a woman.) She? had a terrible haircut, and then really, the epitome of the McDonald’s arches drawn on for eyebrows. I must say that she? also wasn’t in a very good mood; but if I had those arches above my eyes, maybe I’d look like I was in a bad mood too - or just quizzical maybe…
OK, so I might just be a little more observant than most people; but I happened to engage in a conversation with another woman in the play area and in my typial fashion, I couldn't help but mention this woman’s? eyebrows and it just so happened that my new friend had noticed them too; and OK - we both laughed.
I really have no purpose for telling this story - I just feel that it’s my obligation to share these little out of the ordinary occurrences as they happen to me. I guess it’s mean of me to admit that it gave me a little chuckle, but you can all live vicariously through me and imagine what this woman? looked like. Just another day in the suburban desert. (Agghhh; why do I keep forgetting that I have a camera phone...)
Till next time…

Friday, June 8, 2007

The Queen's Big Coup

OK, I just can't keep this from you any longer. I've been wondering HOW I was going to tell you because this really is SO HUGE, and it needs to be presented as the ENORMOUS COUP that it is - and I am now ready to share the news, share my joy, my delight, my fantasy, my dream come true. Yes folks, believe it or not, I have met Maks; face to Gorgeous, HUNKY face, and he was AMAZING!!
Now I know that this is just flabbergasting news to some of you. Others are aware of my coup, but have yet to see the picture; and so I present my story and my photographic proof...

You know that forward that we've all gotten many, many times about friends coming into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime? You know it. It explains that sometimes you meet someone for a reason, and sometimes a friend comes into your life but only for a season while other friends are friends you'll have for life. Well, I've always liked that forward and this story is a perfect example of it...

It seems that my friend Jackie was a friend for a season; but also for a reason. I've previously mentioned that Jackie used to work in casting at NBC. Well, although she isn't in the business anymore, she is still a voting member of the TV academy and as such she receives invitations to special events which publicize shows for your Emmy consideration. Usually most of the cast of whichever show it is, appears at the function and they do a behind the scenes look, Q&A etc. etc.
Well, Jackie called me late one night and said "I have the perfect birthday present for you, but we have to act fast." I was half asleep when I heard her say "How would you like to meet Maks?" "WHAT" I shrieked nervously. To which she went on to explain that there was going to be a special "for your Emmy consideration" night for Dancing with the Stars, including a reception and dancing display; and as an early 40th birthday present, she wanted to take me to L.A. to go meet Maks.
OH MY GOD - I mean how often does this happen? My fantasy come true and wrapped up in an extraordinarily generous gift. How could I refuse?

We planned our trip and Jackie kept talking about taking my picture with Maks. I told her that I absolutely did not want to take my picture with him; and in fact I didn't want to get anywhere near him because I was just too afraid and nervous. I was like Duckie from "Pretty in Pink." I just wanted to be able to stand there and admire him. For me it was just like Guy Collura all over again. (There you go V - you knew it would be blogged about one day.) You see from the very first day of 9th grade until the day that I graduated from high school (if not longer,) I had a crippling crush on this guy, named Guy Collura. Now when I say "crippling," the crush was SO bad that when I would see him in the hallway - I couldn't even say hello. It wasn't that I was shy. I mean to some extent I was; but that didn't stop me from having my share of boyfriends, and then some. But there was just something about him that was overwhelming to me; I just liked him THAT MUCH, and I felt the exact same way about meeting Maks. I just wanted to admire him from a far. No picture, no introduction, just be in the room with him and watch him from a far.

The event began with the reception; but unfortunately they tried to fit 700 people in an area that was way to small for 700 people. I am NOT Queen of Dimensions, or Square Footage or anything like that; so I can't be exact. Let's just say that it was VERY crowded. 700 people just trying to shove past each other. Lots of old people, old people with bad face lifts and plates of Sushi, trying to squeeze through the crowds just to get a glimpse of someone from the show.

We were on the lookout for Maks and trying to stay out of harms way, when Jackie met the Oompa Loompa. That's right, "THE" Oompa Loompa. That one guy that played all of the Oompa Loompas in the terrible re-make of Willy Wonka. Then I saw Brian and Shandi; and whether you watched the show or not, you probably don't know or care who they are. I really couldn't have cared less about seeing them, and I was so close to Brian that he could have fathered my next child; yet I had nothing to say to them and didn't even desire a picture.
So let's move on. Things started to get interesting when I saw Stacy Keebler - the professional wrestler that was on 3 seasons ago. We met her and took a picture. (She was VERY nice.) Then we saw Edyta; one of my favorite professional dancers. We took a picture with her too. She was very genuine and VERY beautiful. While we were talking to Edyta, I turned my head; and THERE HE WAS. I could hardly keep my composure as I saw Maks across the room. I tried to speak, but I was so overwhelmed I could barely utter the words to tell Jackie that I had seen him; but somehow I managed to gleefully eek out "Jackie - Maks!!" and I pointed. All of a sudden I could feel my entire body blushing; but we wasted no time as we made a bee line right for him. All at once, it was as if the Red Sea had parted. I don't know where those 700 people went but suddenly we had a clear path to get right to him; just as if it was divine intervention or something. We walked right up to him and Jackie introduced herself - then introduced me. Jackie said "...I think she may be your biggest fan." Maks looked at me and said with the sexiest smile ever; "I think you're right. I think she is;" and then we took this incredible picture together. (All the while I was shaking like a leaf.)
After looking at the picture a couple of hundred times and upon reflecting - I actually think that Maks was referring to my size being big and not my adoration; so I was kind of upset with him for awhile - which is partly why I delayed in posting this blog. Yet even if he WAS so shallow and WAS making a fat reference; there's NO denying what an incredible picture he took with me.
I will forever be grateful to Jackie for giving me this once in a lifetime dream come true; and for the friendship that we shared for the season.
Till next time...

Monday, June 4, 2007

If I were Queen of the World...

OK, OK, so It's been quite a while since I've blogged - and it's not that I haven't had things to blog about; but for various reasons I haven't - blogged that is. So now the pressure is on. I'm back, and of course I feel like I really have to wow, ya - so here's a little insight into me. First of all; I SO appreciate the people who have contacted me asking "Where's the blog?" and I mean no ones writing me saying "I need a blog and it better be good. I need a blog and it better wow me;" Nope, it's just the pressure I put on myself, because I am Queen of Worrying, I am Queen of High expectations, I am the Queen of Over thinking. Stop nodding your heads close friends - I know my quirks, believe me I do.
So I figured, since I'm putting the pressure on for a WOW kinda blog; I'd better come out guns blazing . (IS that the right expression?) And how better to do it then; If I were Queen of the World - tall order, but here goes...

If I were Queen of the world, I would be paid a lot more money for the job I do; ( I mean, I'm Queen of Collections for crying out loud. I make my company A LOT of money and they DO NOT pay me what I'm worth.)
If I were Queen of the world, I'd be able to figure out what kind of job I can do, to make more money and still feel personally gratified. If anyone has any suggestions for me, I would LOVE to hear them; because unfortunately being Queen of Everything doesn't pay much - haha.
If I were Queen of the world, Saturn would be the only car company in business; although they would sell all kinds of cars. See what I'm getting at is; I HATE car salesmen. I think that it is TOTALLY unfair for them to try and get you to spend more money than you can afford to (because we've already established that I don't make enough money;) JUST so THEY can make more money. Why are car sales the only business left these days where we do business in this manner. I mean, OK back in the day, we used to haggle a little over the prices of houses, so this was how it worked. Seller marked the house up a little higher, buyer bid a little lower than the asking price; and ultimately they wound up somewhere in the middle. This doesn't happen with cars. You pull up, and the sharks approach your vehicle before you even get the engine off. You tell them what you want to spend; oh yah, they can do that, no problem - until you get to the table. Then they try to convince you to spend more than you can afford. So last week alone, I had one smarmy guy come up and say "so what have we been looking at?" Well, I don't know about him and what he'd been looking at; I know what my husband and I had been looking at and HE is certainly not a part of WE. He then continued his questioning, WE, WE, WE, and I kept correcting him. We CLEARLY told him that we were not buying a car that night as WE had just started looking. He said "you wouldn't take this car for $10,000" and I said "SURE I would, let's go" and he said "Have a good night." Ha! I won. Round one goes to the Queen; but you know I didn't have a clean get a way, because as we're walking to our vehicle, laughing about Smarmy, here comes "the manager." He tried to be suave and I found him slightly down to earth, so I engaged in a conversation, in which I told him that I thought Smarmy was a word that starts with P and rhymes with Rick; but I said the word. I won't bore you with all the details of this experience, but suffice it to say that after TOO much time at this dealership, we left, we did not buy a car, nor would we ever go back there. Why do they think they are so much smarter than us, just because they'd do whatever they can do to rip US off?
Ultimately we bought a Toyota, and it did involve a lot of haggling and negotiating; but at least we didn't feel like we'd been anally probed by the time we drove off in our new vehicle. Yet, nothing is perfect - right. I went to pick up my kids from my friend Kara and my husband waited for our new car. While I was driving I thought, "I hope he remembers to get our garage door opener," but of course he didn't have his cell with him - I mean Why would he? So when my husband arrived home, I asked "Did you remember to get the garage door opener out of our car?" To which he replied (ladies say it with me,) "NO." I told him that he would need to call the dealership first thing in the morning; and he did. A gentleman (yah right, a guy) who I will call RR said "no problem, we'll get the opener and it will be at the reception desk; pick it up anytime." So, on my way to work I stopped to get the opener and guess what? After waiting there for a half hour, I found out that they had given my opener to the wrong person. When I had walked up and asked for my opener the feeble older woman at the desk handed me one and I told her it wasn't mine, and believe it or not; she said "yes it is." I said "NO, I know what my garage door opener looks like. It's rectangular with a long bar. This is round with a button." Literally a half hour later they found out that someone had come in and picked it up, so yup, the wrong person took my garage door opener because apparently THEY don't know what their garage door opener looks like. SO, RR says "what can I do, can I fill your tank with gas?" I said "NO, I have a full tank AND I need a garage door opener." He told me to buy one and he'd reimburse me. So a few days later my husband bought one, we call the dealership to make sure RR is still there because it's 830 at night. He's still there. We drive over, pull up, shark comes to the car, I say I'm looking for RR to which he says "Oh, I think he left." I said "I don't think so, I just called and he was here, and oh, there he is sitting right there." I tried to get away from the shark but he asked my name and went in and told RR I was waiting for him. I went in and RR had a look of recognition in his beady little eyes, but he didn't know why. I waved my receipt at him, and said "garage door opener." He said "oh yah." I asked if anyone had brought my opener back, and he said "no." Then he asked if he could cut me a check tomorrow. I said "no." Then he got loud and told me that he had no accountant there to cut a check tonight. I asked what else we could do. He said he could mail it to me and I asked how long that would take. He said he'd mail it tomorrow; but of course I didn't believe him. I said I'd go ask my husband what he wanted to do; and as I turned to walk away I said "You know, this really isn't right. You guys gave my opener to the wrong person. You told me to bring you a receipt, I brought you a receipt, and now you want me to come back again to pick up a check?" RR got up in a huff and said "I'll go see if I can get you $25. If I had $25 in my pocket, I'd give it to you." Oh, my god. I saw RR drive off in a hummer the night I bought my car and he wanted me to believe HE didn't have $25. I'm sure he had just robbed someone else of $25 - of course he had it, slimy piece of crap. SO , a few seconds later he handed me $25. I guess RR didn't know he was dealing with the Queen of Arguing - no one can beat me - not even a slimy sales manager. Round two goes to the Queen...

If I were Queen of the world, I'd have time to scrapbook everyday, blog everyday, exercise every day (YES, I said exercise - now if your mouth just fell open; close it.) I'd spend quality time with my kids everyday, quality time with my husband everyday, and show my appreciation for all of my wonderful friends and family everyday. But, since I'm not Queen of the world, and I can't yet have all of these things; I'll just take this opportunity to thank ALL of my wonderful friends for all the love, support and encouragement that they give me. I am TRULY blessed to have such an amazing and diverse group of friends and I love you all very much!! Especially all of you who take The Bumpy Ride; not only on my blog but with me daily.
Till next time...