Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Donkey Land

I've heard it been said that whatever kind of kid you were, you'll probably have a kid whose behavior is like 3 times what yours was - or something like that. So I guess it stands to reason that my son and my older daughter are just about as kind and cooperative as you could be; since fore the most part, I was a very good child. I rarely got into trouble (except for the time that I told my brother that he sucked and then for a punishment I had to go to Levitz furniture store with my parents - agghh torture.) I was a good student, NEVER in trouble at school, so all and all a good kid; and I've been rewarded ten fold, with really awesome children.
Now yes, I do have a third child; she is my BONUS baby. My husband and I conceived my younger daughter while I was nursing and on the pill. I absolutely HATE the expression "oops baby," because she was not an "oops," she was a gift from god that I wasn't planning on, but I adore and my family wouldn't be complete without her. My OB said there was a 1 percent chance that I could have conceived given the pills and the breast feeding factors, so he believes that she is destined for greatness; and I guess that we should have known then what a strong willed little fighter she would be. Let's face it - my younger daughter is a force to be reckoned with.

We have several nicknames for my younger daughter, but the one that epitomizes her true personality is the one that I gave her when she was just about a year old- "Stitch." You know parents, like Lilo and "stitch." Oh she is not always in "Stitch" mode, but when she is, WATCH OUT; she is Stitch personified. I can remember one day in particular when we were at Target, and she took off as many children will (right?) and my children and I were chasing her through the store (she was like one,) and I can still hear my other children's voices calling "Stitch, come back." OMG - I can laugh now, but gosh do I have my hands full.

Anyway, although she can be a little terror, she is also INCREDIBLY smart with the vocabulary of a much older child and the brain of a mad scientist. She can be very defiant, and very loving, very manipulative, and funny as heck - she's 3, what can you expect? But as the mom of 2 other children who never did any of the naughty, crazy things that she does, it also makes it much worse for her because as well behaved as the other 2 are; it magnifies everything that she does, to make her look that much worse. I TOTALLY recognize that but at the time when she is doing something ridiculously mischievous, it's kind of hard to remember - after all, I am the Queen but I am human and I am running out of patience.
Alot of the time I am very frustrated with her and then I get frustrated and angry with myself - she deserves better than that. I've gotten to the point where I really don't know how else to get through to her when she has done something wrong; and then it dawned on me; I need a Donkey land.

When my brother and I were growing up, he was the one always getting in trouble and so one day my parents told him that if he didn't start behaving himself, they were going to call Donkey land to come and get him. No I'm not high; Donkey land - like in Pinocchio when Pinocchio goes to Pleasure Island with that naughty boy and then they are all turned into donkeys, (oh, I hope this sounds familiar or this blog is just going to pot big time.) Anyway, the idea of Donkey land was pretty scary to my brother and I , so all my parents had to say was "should I call Donkey land?" And he would cry and get upset and promise to be good. My parents would even go so far as to pick up the phone and say "Hello Donkey land," as my brother sat on the stairs crying "no, no, I'll be good." To add insult to injury if my memory serves me correctly, I think my brother may have even had Pinocchio sheets on his bed, so the idea of Donkey land was always very prevalent in his mind.

Well, one night, my parents took it a step further and showed us where Donkey land was. They drove behind a small strip mall by our house, and there was a wooded area behind that, and they told us that Donkey land was in there. Woohoo!! - did that do the trick.

Oh Donkey land - just to think about it gives me a good laugh; but now I need a Donkey Land of my own. Something that I can use on my younger daughter so we'll see less Stitch and more of the loving, compassionate, smart, sweet girl that she is. When I figure this one out, I'll let you know. She's been giving me a good run for my money the past few days, but I am the Queen of IMPOSSIBLE SITUATIONS, so I feel confident that I will be working this one out soon. "Hello Donkey land."
Till next time...

Monday, April 9, 2007

What a Difference a Day Makes

On Saturday my kids and I were going over to Michelle K's to color Easter eggs; (good Jew that I am,) and my husband was going to join us after work for pizza and poker; (just the adults for poker, in case you were wondering.) I had invited my friend Jackie (here on out to be know as VaJJ) "why are all of my friends being nicknamed after the vagina? kinda weird - but I digress;" and while we were driving in her "fast car" as my kids call it, VaJJ, who unfortunately is not in the best of health, started showing me the pharmacy that she had in her purse. She pulled out the sealed syringe of one med, and then a bag of Vicodin which she said was for "if she got cramps." If she got cramps; let me tell you, there was enough Vicodin in this bag for "if" the entire female population of Arizona got cramps. LOL But seeing the Vicodin in the bag reminded me of a story, which I told to VaJJ and will now share with you.

About a year ago I was at Tiffany's house and I started experiencing some pain in my mouth. Now I do have a very high tolerance for pain (delivered 3 kids, no drugs;) but mouth pain stresses me out and I cannot handle it because of my "dentalphobia." That's right, mouth pain signifies a trip to the dentist to me and that just scares the bejeebus out of me. I had asked Tiffany for some Ibuprofen which she gladly gave me; AND she told me that she had Vicodin if I wanted to take a couple with me in case the pain got worse. See what did I tell you; Tiffany is always trying to help. =0)
I took the Vicodin with me, but I didn't find the need to take it and thankfully the pain dissipated.

A few weeks later I went over to Kara's house at lunchtime because Kara was on very, very, restricted bed rest with her third pregnancy and I wanted to bring lunch over and have a visit with her.
Another friend needed a favor so she had dropped her daughter off at Kara's for the sitter to watch. The sitter left and I gave Kara's son, my 2 daughters, and the friend's daughter, lunch. When they were all settled I brought lunch and drinks upstairs for Kara and I but I had forgotten to take my apple cider vinegar pill (I was trying yet again to lose weight,) so I went downstairs, took my pill and then joined Kara upstairs. I wanted to chat with Kara but I didn't want to tell her that I had been going through a really bad depression and was feeling lousy. We had a short visit and then I left to pick up my son from school.

About an hour later I was driving to work and I remember thinking to myself "boy, what a difference a day makes; I feel really good today;" and with that I happily went in to work.
A few hours later I was going to eat dinner and I reached into my purse to get out the baggie with my apple cider vinegar pill and much to my surprise there were 2 apple cider vinegar pills in the baggie, when there should have only been 1 since I took one at lunch. Well, I'm sure you guessed it by now; the pill I took at lunch was not apple cider vinegar; but Vicodin. No wonder my day seemed so much better. The Queen of INCIDENTS strikes again. (Now really, say it with me "who could make this stuff up?"
Maybe someone should alert the company that makes Vicodin; not that they need any help I'm sure, but if for some reason they are ever in need of a slogan I recommend that they say "Vicodin - what a difference a pill makes."
Till next time...

Thursday, April 5, 2007

Big V

Disclaimer: This blog is not yet rated.

OK it's time... I've mentioned her a few times now; so I think it's only fair to explain how Ruthie(yah, I know - Ruth) has come to be known as Big V.
Ruthie and I became friends in 1983; after she asked my brother to the homecoming dance. LOL To quote Julia Roberts from "Pretty Woman," "Big mistake - HUGE;" haha only kidding Randy. Anyway, Ruthie has been my partner in crime and one of my closest friends. Ruthie was VERY close to my mom, which is enough to endear her to me forever; she has also seen me at my very best and my very worst- she's even lived with my, god help her.
When I talk, email or see Ruthie, we have a level of communication and understanding which is mostly based on 80's b-rate movies. We feel the need to quote lines to each other from "About Last Night," and "The Jerk," When we're talking, we find it necessary to make our voices sound like Navin R. Johnson; even if we're not talking about "the Jerk." OK - so we're troubled, but we're troubled together and that's the best part.

Now, back in the day (the day pretty much being when I was growing up;) there was a clothing store called Joyce Leslie. Classy name huh? You can tell what kind of clothes they sold, right? Well, it was like your everyday, regular clothes, trendy and not too pricey. As I got older, in the 80's it was always a good place to go for a going out outfit - so you get the picture.

In 1998, Ruthie told my husband and I that my brother had once told her that when he was a young boy, he used to love to go to Joyce Leslie with my mother because they had an open dressing room (no stalls, just a big room;) and he used to love to see the big vaginas. LOL OMG to write this I am realizing just how warped this is gonna sound...
Anyway, for some reason after hearing this story, we felt compelled to refer to Ruthie as "Big V," and it has been that way ever since. Big V is my son's godmother, so naturally he and my daughters refer to her as "Auntie V;" they have no idea what her real name is or that it is anything other than V. Oh I just can't wait for the day that I get to explain that one.
My brother goes by the name Randy; although that is not his given name, and my kids refer to him as Uncle Randy, so I am just waiting for the day that my kids find out, that Uncle Randy's name isn't really Uncle Randy, and Auntie V's name isn't really Auntie V. You think they'll still believe there's a Santa? Or you know what will come next; "Are you really my mom?"

I'm hoping that my entertainment doesn't scar them for life, because it is absolutely hysterical to me every time I hear them say "Auntie V." She is their Auntie V and they just think the world of her. They love her whether she's a big vagina or not.
Till next time...
Queen of Everything

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Happy Birthday to me

My birthday has come early.... Well, not my actual birthday; but, what would you call this - the age that I felt I was in my mind, the way I thought of myself - well that age. You see, on July 28th I'll be turning 40; but in my mind I still thought of myself as 16 or thereabouts. Not to say that I'm immature; just, well - youthful.

Now I know that today's 40 is not the same as what my mom's 40 was, or her mom's 40 - no these are all quite different animals. I have no problem with turning 40, really I don't; but I guess I just always saw myself as younger than that. Maybe it's because I still have a lot of the same friends that I had from high school, college, my early twenties; so I can still relive my glory days on a regular basis; or maybe it's because I think I'm pretty current when it comes to music, fashion etc. AND if I didn't look in the mirror to see the pounds that the years have packed on; I'd never believe it if you told me I was 39.

When I was growing up my parents had this friend named Millie (now that's the name of a 40 something. LOL) Anyway, Millie was a hoot. Millie is from the Bronx, and she smokes like a chimney, so you can imagine what her voice sounds like. Anyway; Millie always told it like it was. She was a great mom, but she was also fun, she was bold, she was the person who sang me the penis colada song. Yup, you read me right; penis colada.
You know that song "Escape"? The one that said "If you like Pina Coladas, getting caught in the rain, if you're not into health food, if you have half a brain..." Well Millie used to sing at the top of her lungs "if you like Penis Coladas, getting caught in the rain..." and me at 16 just thought this was fabulous; so much so that it has actually stuck with me to this day - and during my scrapbooking birthday party last year, "Escape" came on and I proudly sang "if you like Penis Coladas..." and now all my scrapbooking pals know that it can't be sung any other way.

My mom and Millie were true partners in crime. I used to love to be around them, because they always did as they pleased, (kinda sassy and classy for the most part,) they laughed a lot and people loved to be around them. Ultimately, I would be really happy to be the kind of 40 year old that they were; even though I'm not quite ready to think of myself that way just yet.

OK - so the road is twisting now and I'll start heading back in the main direction.
So today after I picked up my older daughter from preschool I took her to Sonic to get a grilled cheese; and as I was driving up the road I saw a naked boy hanging out of the sun roof of a car. Yes, you read that right; a naked boy hanging out of the sun roof of a car. (Now, I ask ya - who could make this stuff up?)
At first I only caught a glimpse of his butt so I thought it was a guy trying to moon people; but as I got closer to the high school, the boy was repositioning himself so that his butt was angled towards the 3 or 5 girls who were on the side of the road trying to take pictures with their cameras/tripods, while jumping up and down and cheering with delight.

OMG - I just couldn't believe it. I mean at 1:45 on a Tuesday afternoon, this was the last thing I expected; and then it happened - grown up me kicked in... Once I got home I got the phone number for the high school and I called the principal. Ultimately I spoke with one of the assistant principals and let him know what I saw. He said that he'd look into it and that was pretty much the end of that.

Honestly, I don't know what bothered me more; the fact that this incident took place or the fact that I had become the mom who was calling the high school to report it. Oh, don't get me wrong, I KNOW I did the right thing. I mean (god forbid) my son or daughters were involved in something like this, I'd want to know about it; and I definitely would want to know what was going on at that school. I think the only reason I say god forbid is because my kids are still so young and innocent that I just can't think of them like that - enjoying the naked butt of the opposite sex as it's hanging out a sun roof in the middle of the school day - OY!

So I guess it's official - I'm no longer 16. I am now parental, I am concerned, I am responsible; and that's OK.
Since it's now clear that I am NOT 16 in my mind; it might be time to start thinking of myself as 26. 26 would be GREAT because then I'm not the cradle robbing bitty who's lusting after Maks from Dancing with the Stars. We'd be just the same age now so all my lustful thoughts of him would be completely age appropriate.
Oh, who am I kidding? I don't really have lustful thoughts about Maks. I just want him to parade around my house with his shirt off, wink at me like he thinks I'm just as hot as I think he is; and maybe, hmm, nope, correction- I do have lustful thoughts about him, and this will be cool because the 26 year old me would know exactly what to do with him whereas the 16 year old me wouldn't have had a clue. - Yup; 26 it is - Lust rocks!!!
Till next time...

Sunday, April 1, 2007


Disclaimer: Once again I cannot take credit for the clever title. If you are chuckling, you owe your laugh to Big V and her husband Joey; who not only left me a message requesting a blog with this title, but sent me a text with it as well. Good one guys!!

I have to say before I begin that I am flattered that people (well Big V) is making requests for blogs. At least I know I'm amusing someone. But now to request a blog AND request a title - Oh, the pressure... Since I am more than capable of being the Queen of INSECURITY; I can only hope that I don't disappoint.

Now, I'm sure that some of you saw the title, put two and two together, and laughed your heads off. The others of you don't watch the Amazing Race. I must say I think that I laughed out loud during this episode more than I can remember laughing at any show in a very long time; and once again all my laughter came at the expense of Charla and Mirna.

I am still finding it SO difficult to understand why these two morons feel the need to put on fake accents when talking to people in other countries. I'm beginning to think that they do it because they are hoping that they sound like these people, when they are trying to speak English. You know what I mean? Like they when they're in Poland, they tried to sound like what they thought Polish people would sound like if they were trying to speak English. Only problems with this are: 1. If they were native and really had this accent, they would just speak their native language and not English in Poland and 2. Every accent sounds the same. I mean the people of Poland don't know that this was the same way they sounded trying to talk to the people of Mozambique; but we do, and it CRACKS ME UP.

I also have to say it is absolutely ridiculous to me when Mirna insists on telling people or the camera that she and Charla are "young girls." Mirna and Charla are definitely under 40 but they are far from"Young girls." The beauty Queens are definitely younger than them, and Dani is definitely younger than them, but she says "no one wants to help us and we are two young girls," or "why are you doing this to us, we are young girls..." Well Mirna, you need to take a look in a mirror during your next pit stop baby, because you and Charla really ain't so young.

Now explain this one to me. Mirna tries to get some Polish taxi cab drivers to give her directions, they tell her they'll help her for $100, and she gets all Mirna on them (and by Mirna on them, I mean CRAZY;) and says (in her fake accent) "what do you think, I am made of money? You are trying to rob us and we are (say it with me) just 2 young girls." SO the taxi cab drivers get insulted (at the inference that they are trying to rob them) and start walking away; and Mirna says (in her fake accent) "my friend, where are you going?" OMG - I laughed so hard I thought I would pee. Now Mirna, you are an attorney honey, one would think that you would know that the word friend is not a word you use to a stranger that you just yelled at and accused of robbing you.

So as if all of this wasn't funny enough, In the middle of the night, Charla and Mirna get to the roadblock which entails one of the team members to put on a full suit of armor and walk a horse a 1/2 a mile. Mirna says to Charla "are you sure that you want to do this? Remember, we are facing getting kicked out of the race." Now keep in mind, not long before arriving at the roadblock Mirna had just yelled her head off at Charla and complained that she (Mirna) had to do everything; drive, do all the roadblocks etc. So what's Charla gonna say, "no, you do it?" But all I want to say is - See Mirna, you should have let Charla look for that stupid letter a few weeks ago, I think she was a lot more qualified to do that, then to put on a whole suit of armor and lead a horse (that is like the size of a dinosaur to her) for a half mile. Charla fell down twice (which was hysterical ) and Mirna yelled at her the entire time. Now I ask you; how could you not want these two to win? - NOT!!!

My money is on Danny and Oswald. I think they are fabulous!! They are gentlemen, they are kind, they are compassionate, they are funny and they are running a great race. My second choice would be Uchenna and Joyce because I just think they are good people. I like the way Uchenna talks and he is extremely reflective; he could actually make a good politician. Moving up for me to third place are the Beauty Queens. I hated them in their season, but they're acting a little nicer now, so I don't mind if they stick around a little longer; I just don't want them to win.
Honestly, the show might not be as funny once Mirna and Charla go - they have become the people you love to hate.
Till next time...