(43-26) HOT & HUGE

I'm done mourning the departure of "Ugly Betty," I'm anxiously awaiting the return of "GLEE," and I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that I'm still holding out for a revival of "Boston Legal."  Ahh James Spader; I mean "Boston Legal."   I could even write the episode:  Alan Shore (James Spader) has to go up against  guest star attorney Robert Downey Jr.  I think I've mentioned this fantasy before; but seriously, how GOOD with this be.  No two men who are better equipped to deliver the quick witted, sharp tongued monologues that we have come to love from both of these fantastic actors; and I for one feel cheated that we never got the pleasure of seeing such an episode; but I digress.  In the absence of the 3 shows that I've just mentioned;  I've had to find some substitutes.
I think it's best to divide the shows that I've been watching into 2 different categories; Scripted TV and Reality TV.  Tonight I'm going to write about the scripted TV shows that I've been enjoying and sometime later this week, we'll take a "Reality Check;" cause hey, I've got nothing but time baby. 

Under the category of Scripted TV, there were 2 new shows this summer that I just couldn't get enough of; "Hot In Cleveland" and "Huge."

In case you haven't heard of "Hot In Cleveland," it's on TV Land and stars Valerie Bertinelli (Melanie), Jane Leeves (Joy), Wendie Malick (Victoria) and Betty White as (Elka).  This show has been a laugh out loud delight from the premier through the finale.  The premise is that 3 friends (Melanie, Joy and Victoria) were on a plane from LA to Paris and the plane had to make an emergency landing in Cleveland.  The ladies went to a local bar and found that they were "HOT in Cleveland," while in LA they were not and so they decided to stay a while.  Valerie's character Melanie is the "Nice girl."  It's like she's playing a grown up version of Barbara Cooper, the character that she played on "One Day At A Time;" but hey, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Valerie's perfect and believable in these kinda roles and her  giddyness is refreshing.  Valerie decides to rent a house and the house just happens to come with its own caretaker, Elka.  Jane's character Joy delivers some great one liners and I just find her accent so enthralling that I probably wouldn't care what she was saying as long as SHE was saying it; but the writing really is THAT good, so she's just knocking them out of the ball park.  Wendi plays a soap actress who's show was recently cancelled after she spent 27 years on it.  I find it amusing that Wendie Malick always seems to play a washed up something or other; a has been model on "Just Shoot me," and now an unemployed soap actress, and yet Wendie Malick is not a name that quickly rolls of people's tongues.  Do you know what I mean?  I think that if you showed 10 people a picture of her and asked them what her real name was; most of them probably wouldn't know, and yet she's always playing the has been; and with the same affectation.  I think it's safe to say that Wendie Malick pretty much always plays the same character, it's just that the characters have different careers.  Nonetheless I will say that I think Wendie Malick has to be one of the BEST physical comediennes out there.  The physical comedy that she's done this season have been some of the very best moments of the show (especially the episode with Huey Lewis;)  so I say BRAVA Wendie Malick, thanks for the laughter!!  Have I saved the best for last; you betcha!!   What do I really need to say other than the role of Elka was one that Ms. White was born to play and I don't think that there's another actress out there who could bring to the role what Ms. White does; except maybe Estelle Getty.  So maybe Betty is channelling a bit of her old friend Getty while playing this role and if so, I say AMEN!   What is it about a wise cracking, foul mouthed octogenarian that is so hilarious?  Now of course this is not a cable show, so Betty isn't really foul mouthed but the innuendo is just delicious.  Betty White alone is fantastic but the 4 ladies togther are nothing short of slendiferous.
If you haven't seen "Hot In Cleveland" yet; you have no idea what you're missing, (well maybe now you do;) so run don't walk and catch up on this show today.  I'd be REALLY surprised if you didn't enjoy it. 

The other scripted show that I've been watching is "Huge" which is on ABC Family and stars Nikki Blonsky, who played Tracy in the movie version of "Hairspray;" and Hayley Hasselhoff (daughter The Hoff.)  "Huge" is a drama that takes place at a weight loss camp and my girls and I love to watch it together.  Since I am the Queen of HONESTY, I'll say that there are quite a few characters on this show that are NOT likable, Blonsky's character of Will, being one of them; but then on the other side of the scale, there are some of the most endearing characters that I've ever encountered.  Although "Huge" is scripted, watching it seems like watching a page out of real life and I think THAT is a true testament of a good show.    It's honest and believable and lovely.  Even though my daughters are only 6 and 8, "Huge" has provoked several  conversations about empathy and self image and I don't think it's ever too early to have those conversations.  The season finale of Huge is going to be on Monday night, and I know that my girl's and I will miss it when it's on hiatus and will gladly welcome it back.

I've always admitted that my taste in TV shows and movies is very simple.  I like to laugh and I like to watch things that make me feel good and that's exactly what both of these shows do for me.  You may have to search a little bit to find them, but I think that you'll be happy you did.  If you check them out, let me know what you think.
Till next time...
Queen of EVERYTHING

(43-8) The Dirty Word

When did "No" become SUCH a dirty word?  It's a word that many of us have a difficult time saying and some of us are afraid to hear.  The word "No" is even the driving force behind a great deal of our fears.  But alas "No" can be empowering. "No" can be a cause for celebration.  For instance - A woman may ask her doctor "Was there anything abnormal with my mammogram?"  And the doctor replies "No!"  Or if a child asks his mom "Do I have to finish these peas?"  And the Mom responds "No."  Or "Do I have to go to bed now?"  And the dad says "No."  Or how about "NO, your ass does not look fat in that dress!"   See, often times "No" IS the answer that you want; and even when it's not, that's alright too; you'll be fine.

Now don't get me wrong, the last thing that I want to be is a hypocrite. HMMM well maybe not the LAST THING - but , I'm just saying that  I don't want to be a hypocrite, because sometimes IT IS difficult for me to say no to friends.  I have no problem saying no to my kids when I need to; but when it comes to friends I don't often say no.  I am getting better at it, if it's something that will inconvenience me; however, I have encountered others who can never seem to say "No" even when that's EXACTLY what they want to say.  And to those I say, if a friend can't accept you saying "No," then they're really NOT a friend.  Being a friend, a girlfriend, a wife, a mother, a sister, or a daughter, doesn't mean that you have to sacrifice what's best for you, in order to avoid disappointing someone else.
So, let's try this; if saying "No" isn't easy for you, just try it anyway (when necessary;)  ya know, just in keeping with that whole face your fear thing that I was wrote about yesterday.  If it REALLY turns out poorly for you; let me know and I'll be right there with an ear and a shoulder (although I don't think you'll be needing me.)
And as for those of you who are scared to hear "NO," then again we are right back to the fear concept; so I say, do whatever it is that you are afraid is going to garner the "No" response AND if "No" is the answer that your given and it truly devastates you; re-read my last paragraph,  and take me up on my offer.  But I'm telling you as well, I don't think that you'll be needing me.
Be STRONG!  Say "No" when you need to AND MEAN IT.  If you Change your answer from  a "No" to a "Yes," no one will EVER take no for an answer from you.  And remember NO is just a tiny two letter word; there really are FAR WORSE...
Till next time...
Queen of EVERYTHING

(43-3) Definitions

It has come to my attention that I may have SLLIIGGHHTTLLY  misrepresented the "Urban Dictionary" definition of Slendiferous; as it seems that the meaning, entered by Spork in February 2004, was actually entered as slendiferous craig; and not just slendiferous (a fact I chose to ignore at the time.) But when I went back and looked at it closely, I found that the sentence that's given as an example of the term is: "Dude! That 70 yard run was splendiferous craig!"  Now look carefully; he wrote sPlendiferous he didn't even use the word that he was defining; so I'm not sure what to think.  I'm REALLY baffled about this term and how to use it now, because even though I like to think that I'm down; I have no flippin idea who "Craig" is and in my opinion; the fact that Spork used THAT example is just nullifying HIS definition.
Now, based on what I told you yesterday, a couple of you (myself included) have already committed to adding slendiferous to your vernacular and to you I say JUST DO IT!  Why shouldn't you say slendiferous to mean "coolest of the cool" if that's what you want it to mean?  These things have to start somewhere.  Remember the movie "Never Been Kissed" with Drew Barrymore??  I loved that movie; and in it, the popular boy  "Guy Perkins" would make up words and pass them off as the cool new word of the day.  So OK, just think of me as your own personal Guy Perkins... Slendiferous??
I should also add, that while I was trying to find out who this illusive Craig is, I found several definitions of MY name in the Urban dictionary;" meanings ranging from "very outgoing but shy girl"(which is actually true for me;) to "always makes you laugh" (I sure hope so;)  to "Sometimes thinks too low of herself, but has no reason to at all."  (Which definitely is me but I don't think it's exclusive to MY name;) to "An awesome girl. generally athletic and always looking to loose weight. May not be the average sized but is deffinitly a good girlfriend to have, so cute!  (And no, that wasn't MY typo, I copied and pasted but I just couldn't resist it...)  But THIS is my favorite: Paige  - sweet, fearless woman that doesn't let anything stand in her way. Prepare to be inspired by Paige, never let down by Paige, and always understood by Paige.
With that said,  I think it's only fair to conclude that if I can CHOOSE the definition of my name; or clearly make one up for myself (as it seems;) then YOU can certainly choose the meaning that you LIKE for slendiferous.  Go for it, use it up, spread it around...Keep on truckin.
Till next time...
Queen of EVERYTHING

One Way or Another

At this point, if anyone asks you what "The BumpyRide" is about, you can pretty much just say FEET.  Now I know that people don't really want to read endless stories about my abusive pedicures, my in-grown toe nails, and all the other feet fiascos that I have shared; but the truth is that I haven't posted a blog in over a month; and SEVERAL of the reasons (ok excuses) why, have to do with my feet.  Yes, one way or another, it ALL seems to be about my feet.   I'm hoping that maybe, just maybe, this can be the last foot post for a while and I can get on to more important things; like writing a regular blog about thoughts and events that have nothing to do with my feet.

With so much time to cover I hardly know which way to go; which of course is one of the EXCUSES that I am using for not posting.  I thought about giving you a top ten list of the reasons that I haven't written, but alas, the excuses are not all that funny.  The first week that I didn't post -  I needed the time (that I would have spent blogging) to do my Oscar research.  I reasoned that I had a better chance of making money in my Oscar pool than I did writing my blog that week; and so I explored my Oscar options; only to wind up coming in right in the middle of the pack and hence no money was earned.  Yes, yes, it's always fun; but as much as I was looking forward to the broadcast, I was disappointed by Alec and Steve; and therefore, wrote no Oscar blog this year.  I will say that my heart goes out to Sandra Bullock, who won the WELL DESERVED, Best Actress Oscar for The Blind Side.  Oh poor Sandra appeared at every award show there was, commending her saintly, husband Jesse James for getting dressed up in a monkey suit and enduring all of the award festivities.  She said that it was the first time that she knew what it was like for someone to have her back (she even upheld that statement to Barbra Walters;) but unfortunately while he was supposed to have Sandra's back, he was having various body parts of other women as well.  I know that when you're famous your business becomes the world's business and typically it's bad enough when a celeb is cheated on and the world finds out about it; but to have publicly praised your husband left and right and then have this news come to light - UGGHH! To quote my friend Dawn, "She truly was blind sided!"

Ok, so for someone who didn't know what to write about, this is certainly a lot easier than I thought, but for brevity's sake (ok, who am I kidding) I am going to need to sum this up in a nutshell; so here goes.  I've been BUSY, VERY busy.  I've been perfecting my Pot Roast, crucifying a corned beef, I taught myself how to make baked beans, pulled pork AND cream cheese frosting (from scratch.)  I've baked numerous batches of brownies and cupcakes, gone on field trips and had kids home for Spring Break.  I've been making cards, jewelry, and flower hair clips. I've colored Easter eggs, shopped for Easter basket fixins, prepared Easter dinner and stuffed plastic eggs with money for our Easter egg hunt.   I've been shopping for clothes for 4 peole for 2 weddings, helped with speeches and unlimited homework, gone to the gym, (though not nearly enough) and had my hard drive crash.   I backed my car up into a landscaping truck and shattered my back windshield, And around the time of the Oscar's I knew I was developing yet another in-grown toe nail.  I could hear the Podiatrist's words clear in my head "as soon as you start to get an in-grown toe nail, come in and we'll take care of it for you before it gets infected."  Oh yah, I heard the words but I ignored them; not because I didn't want to go to the doctor, but because I didn't want to pay the $40 co-pay.  So I tried to heal myself; and I'm sure you know what happened.  I wound up in the Podiatrist's office and I was as embarrassed as could be.  I decided that I would take one of my kids with me, because I was very nervous and I thought that I would put on a braver face if one of them was there.  I also thought that I'd feel comforted having one of them with me.  We talked about it and deduced that Nicky couldn't be the one to go because he cries when I get upset.  Lyndzi interestingly enough had no interest in going, but Kelsie stepped right up and volunteered.    Kelsie grabbed a pack of M& M's, (which I told her she couldn't eat until AFTER we were done at the doctor's office) and we were on our way.  While we were in the examining room Kelsie pulled out her pack of M&M's and when I reminded her that she had to wait to eat them, she started to get ornery..  I explained that the examining room was sanitary and not a place to eat; to which she responded by pouting.  The wonderful Dr. Moyer came in and I told him how nervous and emabarrassed I was, but he put me right at ease.  He told me that he was going to give me a shot to numb my toe and the rest would be a piece of cake.  I reminded him about my HUGE fear of needles and he was as gentle as could be.  Once the doctor left the room so I could numb up; much to my surprise Kelsie started to cry.  She couldn't exlpain exactly why; but nonetheless she was crying.  The nurse came in and assured her that I was going to be fine and that the worst part was over; but she just kept crying.  The nurse then asked her if she wanted a cookie and Kelsie gave me a very dubious look.  I told her that she could have it, and the next thing I knew, the nurse handed Dr.Moyer a couple of cookies and a couple of Red Vines and asked him to give them to Kelsie.  Suffice it to say that she stopped crying and sat happy as a clam eating her treats, all the while giving me that "told you so" look.    Dr. Moyer removed the in-grown toe nail and told me that there was a 95% chance that it would not grow back. Well I can probably start writing THAT blog now... 
So basically my plan to save $40 wound up costing me $80 since of course there was a follow up visit, but I must say that I have recovered beautifully; SO much so that  this past friday I actually went for my first pedicure since December.   I  was SO proud of myself becuase I got online and looked for reviews of places in my area.  (This is NOT something that I typically do; but BOY am I glad that I did.)  I found a place called Model Nails, not very far from my house (67th & Peoria for those of you who are local to me.)  The reviews raved about the owners / sisters Tracy and Lisa  and how they took their time with each customer and made them feel special.  They also mentioned Tracy's beautiful artwork but cautioned patrons that you rarely got to pick YOUR design; as Tracy typically decided what to give you.  Well, I thought this sounded perfect for me.  I gave them a call and was in their shop within the hour.  I had told Tracy that my feet were in bad shape and in need of a lot of repair; but she didn't agree with me, or grimace or scoff or make me feel bad.  She just said "we'll take care of it."  I felt so comfortable, so at ease, so grateful that I had found a shop where I didn't have to keep apologizing for my feet.  I told her about my 2 in-grown toe nail experiences, and the dislocated joint, and the Scary feet story; and she just sympathized.  We were nearing the end of the pedicure and Tracy asked if I wanted a flower.  Of course I said yes; and much to my delight she pulled out a couple of little boxes with sample designs.  I chose a beautiful rose and she politely said "NO."  she explained that because the December in-grown toe nail toe nail had not fully grown back yet, the design would call more attention to it.  She then picked out the design that I was to have and I thought this was hysterical.  Here you pick, nope you can't have that; I'll pick.  Guess that reviewer was right - but I don't care.  Model nails is the place for me!!

Now, the reason that I was so anxious to get a pedicure; besides for the fact that my  feet looked like I had just crawled out of a cave; was because I had my cousin's wedding to go to on Sunday.  It took me forever to find something to wear ( which is yet another EXCUSE for not writing my blog).  Wedding clothes shopping had taken over our lives for 2 weeks; so wedding shopping accounts for 2 missed blogs (if you're keeping track.)  Ok, so I got something to wear, and I was under the impression that I had shoes; but when I tried them on, my feet hurt.  It was now the day before the wedding and I was IN TROUBLE as that allusive size 12 shoe was nowhere to be found.  I put my thinking cap on and remembered that I had a pair of red sandals that I loved, that would work with my skirt and top if only I  had a red tank top; so I spent a whole $3, picked up a red tank at Walmart and my outifit looked GOOD!  I was so excited about the whole "Red" thing because in May we're going to my sister-in-laws wedding in Mexico and I bought my girls these BEAUTIFUL black and white dresses that have a red ribbon and I  thought we'd now look very coordinated.   WELL, as you know, nothing goes smoothly where I'm involved and this morning when I went to the kitchen to get some water, I found that my dog, (who has never destroyed a shoe in her life) ruined one of my red sandals.  I couldn't believe it - although I don't know why I was surprised.  I was dumbfounded at first, then angry; but in the long run I love my dog so I tried to justify her behavior.  Maybe she's a fashion dog.  Maybe she thought that I was mistaken to wear the red sandals and the only way that she could save me from myself was to destroy the shoe.  Maybe she saved me, just like she saved this blog by giving me the perfect ending to my neverending feet saga.  What can I say; one way or another these feet of mine are nothing but trouble.

Till next time...

Queen of Everything

Was it PRIDE?

What to have for dinner is a nightly topic that takes TOO MUCH time in our household. I don't know why I just don't plan something and make it. OK, well sometimes I DO. But typically there is some type of discussion in which I ask "what do you want for dinner?" The conversation doesn't ALWAYS involve all 5 of us, because let's face it too many cooks... But usually, I ask Luis (if it's one of the 3 nights that he is home for dinner) or I ask the kids, or yeah, there are nights that I do ask EVERYONE. I don't remember my Mom ever asking me what I wanted, she just made dinner and it was ALWAYS terrific. But then again, she was a more confident cook than I am with a much more extensive repertoire. I shall remind you of #43 on my 100 Random Things About Me list : People tell me that I'm a good cook, but I have a limited repertoire. So with that being said; maybe I ask for suggestions because I LIKE to take everyone's feelings and desires into consideration or maybe it's because I just can't make up my mind. (Shocker!) But I think ultimately, it's because I want to make everyone HAPPY.

Well last Friday night, after an extensive discussion about dinner; Luis and I decided that he was going to cook. He was going to make Pizza for the kids (with dough from Trader Joe's - which I HIGHLY recommend. It's only $1.99, it's easy and it's GOOD.) And he was going to make Mexican eggs and bacon for he and I.

Luis did a BEAUTIFUL job on the pizza, and while he was cooking the rest of our dinner, I was emptying the dishwasher. A few minutes before the pizza was ready to come out of the oven, I grabbed my Pampered Chef cooling rack, and proudly boasted "I think I got this cooling rack for free when I hosted that Pampered Chef party, and I have to say it is one of the BEST things I ever got; because we use it all the time." And as if my chest wasn't already big enough, I think I puffed up a couple of sizes because I was SO proud of myself.

I put the cooling rack on the kitchen island and within a minute or two it was time for Luis to take the pizza out of the oven. As Luis leaned into the oven and saw his bubbling work of art, he bragged, "This pizza looks GOOD! I am THE BEST pizza maker ever!!" And with that he proceeded to put the tray on the WONDERFUL cooling rack, and the tray and pizza promptly slid right off the rack onto the floor. As it was coasting off the rack,(which seemed like slow motion to me of course) Luis shouted "Pooh" (because that's what he calls me) and I replied "What did you want me to do? Was I supposed to grab the hot pizza with my bare hands, or the tray for that matter? " But he claimed that he wanted to point out that my PRIZED cooling rack had a leg tilting off of the island and this was why the pizza crashed to the ground. OK! Since I ALWAYS double check the stability of the cooling rack (because I fear precisely what happened,) I don't believe this was the case.

Anyway, we stood there for a moment, looking at our delicious pizza oozing cheese all over the kitchen floor. The kids had come in when they heard the commotion and sadly witnessed Luis scooping the masterpiece off of the floor. They were disappointed to say the least, but I assured them that we would take another stab at making the pizza some time during the weekend and they were appeased. I told Luis "This is what we get for acting so PROUD." We laughed, and then I left for Del Taco, so I could get the kids some dinner.

Yes, I know sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. There may not be any cosmic reason that the pizza slid to the floor. It MAY BE be that the cooling rack wasn't sitting well on the island (although I HIGHLY doubt it.) It may be that the pan was slippery and that's why it careened off the rack, or, since I'm constantly seeking the GREATER GOOD, I am certainly willing to consider that it MAY have been about the pride. But, there is one other possibility; maybe I just needed something to blog about.

Till next time...

Queen of EVERYTHING

70's Flashback Moment

I just got a call from my friend Lisa B and we were laughing because she was calling me in response to an email that I sent her, in response to an email that she sent me; in order to try and make some plans. She said that she thought it would be quicker to give me a call rather than go back and forth with emails, and she was right. We were laughing because sometimes it can be so much quicker to make that call instead of responding by text or email, (even if that's how you received the original message); and yet so many of us are now prone to send 10 texts back and forth, just to arrange a meeting time; or send 6 emails back and forth to make some plans; and I'm not quite sure what that says about the future of human communication.

Yesterday I called my friend Lesa G, and when she answered her cell and asked me what was going on , I replied "I just had a 70's flashback moment." Of course she asked why; and I said "I called your house and spoke to your husband and I even left a message." OMG, we laughed so hard. I told her that I was having visions of satin shorts and the roller disco rink. Think about it; how long has it been since you've actually left a message with a person? Now I'm not talking about business related calls, because even though most companies have voice mail, I do come across many who do not; and some how this doesn't phase me. But in my personal experience I typically reach an answering machine if a friend isn't home; regardless of if the significant other is home or not. I know my husband for one doesn't usually answer the phone if I'm not home; because he knows that the answering machine will just pick up if he doesn't and I am more likely to receive an accurate message from the answering machine than I am from him. Now when I reach an answering machine, most often I leave a message, but the message usually consists of me saying "I'll try you on your cell, but if we haven't spoken by the time you get this message; call me back." So after I left a message with her husband, which was " Please tell her that Paige called;" I immediately thought to myself "WOW! Why did I leave a message? I could have just said that I would try her on her cell and then leave a message on her cell if I didn't reach her;" but I think I was SO thrown off by the fact there was an actual person, other than my friend on the other end; that I felt compelled to be polite, and just like riding a bike, I left a message and it felt WEIRD!.

Remember back in the day when you would try to call someone and you would get a busy signal or just no answer and you just HAD TO accept it, keep trying or call back later? And then, answering machines became popular, followed by call waiting, call forwarding, caller ID, beepers or pagers (whatever you want to call them,) then cell phones, texting, cameras on phones and Iphones and what does all of this lead to? OK, I'll say it, a lack of personal space and time. Why has it suddenly become so important to be accessible to everyone, ALL THE TIME? How many times do you get a call on your cell when you're food shopping or with your family; and even though it might not be an opportune time to answer a call, you do? Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE my cell and I feel naked without it, BUT I do recognize that sometimes it can interfere with the important things and I think that we have to remember that as much as something can be a blessing, it can also be a curse and that everything has its time and place. Now don't misunderstand; this is not an essay on the evils of cell phones and technology, but a reflection on simpler times gone by and a commentary on our need for instant gratification. Am I guilty? YOU BETCHA; but I thought I would share these thoughts with you as they're something that I plan to give more consideration and I'm merely suggesting that you might like to as well; in the interest of THE GREATER GOOD, of course. So gimme a call and we can talk about it - LOL; just kidding.
Till next time...
Queen of EVERYTHING

Scary Feet

I have previously written of the various problems with my feet; but just in case they are not at the forefront of your mind or you have not taken "The Bumpy Ride" before, I will remind you:

1. I have very long feet. Size 12 (OK, probably 12 1/2 in a perfect shoe world.)

2. I have extremely narrow feet - Quadruple A.

3. I have a hammer toe.

4. I have flat feet.

5. I have a slight fungus on one of my big toes.

6. I recently suffered a joint dislocation to the aforementioned hammer toe.

7. I frequently suffer from in-grown toe nails.

On other occasions I've written about embarrassing pedicures, premature pedicure ruination, difficulty finding shoes, accidentally going out in public wearing 2 different shoes, and my hammer toe injury and NO, this is not becoming an ALL FOOT blog; but all of this information is pertinent to my latest foot fiasco; which of course I have to share with you.

The other night some friends and I went over to our friend Lisa B's house to scrapbook. We hadn't seen or spoken to each other in quite some time, so a good portion of the evening was spent catching up. Lesa G and I were planning our much needed return to the gym and of course I had to justify my exercise sabbatical by recounting the story of my injured toe, for those who weren't up to date on may ailment. The discussion of my toe and my visits to the Podiatrist inspired others to tell of their Podiatric pasts. I learned that many of them (or their family members) had been plagued by in-grown toe nails and once they told me how they were permanently removed, I felt an extraordinary sense of relief; because it seems that after almost every pedicure I develop an in-grown toe nail that hurts like a mother trucker; and alas, THERE IS A CURE IN SITE.

The topic of in-grown toe nails prompted me to tell the ladies the following story; which they asked me to repeat, over and over and over again; thus leading me to conclude that THIS was a story that I needed to blog.

We had been planning to go to Disneyland for Lyndzi's birthday, and for about a week or two prior to our trip, we had been experiencing particularly cold weather for this part of the country. The temperature concerned me because I thought that I would have to wear closed toe shoes in the park (as opposed to flip flops) and in addition to closed toe shoes not being conducive to my injured toe; it was going to be very difficult for me to wear them because of the excruciating pain that I was experiencing in one of my big toes, due to a in-grown toe nail. I had told Luis about my toe and he agreed to try and take care of it for me, but we never seemed to find the time for that; so Queen of HIGH PAIN TOLERANCE that I am, sucked it up and went on. I made it through our day at Disney, but by the next day my affliction was even worse. I remebered that In May when I had gone to California for Rachel' Ks birthday, I had a pedicure with Kim; (who Rachel sees regularly;) and since we were going to be spending the night at Rachel's, I asked her to call Kim to see if she could get me an appointment; as I thought that a trusted and experienced nail technician could at least alleviate some of discomfort. And although I knew that her treatment would not be the same as going to a Podiatrist, I was willing to endure anything to get some relief. Thankfully Kim was able to see me, and so Rachel, Hershey and I went for my appointment. First I explained that she was going to have to be very careful with my injured toe, because it was still very painful; then I went on to tell her about the in-grown toe nail and lastly I apologized profusely for the overall condition of my feet, because they kind of looked like I had just crawled out of a cave.

Kim got to work on the in-grown and although it was as painful as I expected; I let out a HUGE sigh of relief when she was done. She then looked at the heels of my feet and asked every pedicurists favorite question (please read this in your best Vietnamese accent...) "You want callous remova?" I said "No thank you" and (get your accent on,) Kim replied "Your husband must scream when he get in bed with you at night, because your feet so scary!" Oh my God, did Rachel and I laugh. And, no, I wasn't even insulted because at that point I was so indebted for her help that she could have told me that Sasquatch had nothing on me, and I wouldn't have cared. Nonetheless, I offered my defense by saying that I am VERY hard on my feet. That I have very big feet which makes it difficult for me to find comfortable / fashionable shoes and so I typically wear flip flops which are not the best hygienically speaking and when I wasn't in flip flops I was bare footed and so even when I had gotten the callous remover in the past; within 2 days my feet were back to looking "scary" anyway; so I wanted to save the $5 for a flower instead. And, so we moved on. Kim asked if I wanted to have a manicure too, and though I had no nails to speak of, I told her that I was so grateful for her help and her time that other than a back wax, she could do whatever else she wanted. And so, with Hershey on my lap, Kim completed my pedicure, gave me a lovely manicure, and asked if I wanted my eyebrows waxed. I agreed and I laid down on the table, only to have Kim ask (accent please) "You never wax eyebrows before?" Oh my, that's 2. I assured her that I did get my eyebrows waxed, I just hadn't done so very recently. I took a big ole gulp of my pride and tried to relax; but Hershey was crying while Rachel was trying to hold her for me, and so I conceded to allow Hershey to lay on my stomach while Kim ripped the excess hair from my brows.

I left Kim's feeling like a new woman. My toe was already doing a million times better, my nails looked splendid and my eyebrows were refreshed. I'd say that was all worth the price of my plight.

Till next time...

Queen of EVERYTHING

You Know You Have A Problem When...#7

You Know You Have A Problem When you cut through a can with a "Forever Sharp Knife;" just so you can have black olives in your taco salad.

We don't use a lot of canned goods in our home; which I suppose is why we've never owned an electric can opener and always opted for the hand held kind. Now though we don't typically open a lot of cans; I distinctly remember that my hand held one had been giving me trouble for a while and that I needed to request Luis' assistance on more than one can opening occasion. Well, upon returning from our last camping trip, Luis deemed it necessary to throw away the can opener; so on my next trip to Walmart, I bought a new one. I perused the can openers (probably longer than most people would have ~ because I am the Queen of INDECISIVENESS) and I finally decided on a sturdy looking can opener that cost all of $1.97

Luis just happened to be home for my inaugural use of the can opener and I bragged "Look how great this can opener works. Who needs a $10 can opener?" I then proceeded to open a few more cans (because I was making pasta sauce) and with my inimitable Paige luck; the can opener ceased working. It was BROKEN. Well, now I know what you get for $1.97

I have yet to replace the can opener and apparently that slipped my mind, when I wanted to open a can of black olives for my taco salad the other night. Oh yes, I guess I could have gone without them; but what's a taco salad without some black olives? "Think Paige, think;" ~ and I did... Suddenly it came to me ~ "The Forever Sharp Knife."

A couple of months ago the kids and I were in Sam's Club and to make a long story short (yes, I will;) we saw a very impressive demonstration of the "Forever Sharp Knife." I had no intention of buying the knives but my kids were SOLD by the presentation, the price was super and the knives appeared to be awesome ~ so purchase them we did. The knives have been fine. Nothing extraordinary about them thus far; UNTIL I got the idea to cut THROUGH THE CAN with the knife. I remembered that the demonstrator had showed us how the knife could cut a hammer ~ so why not an olive can, I thought. I got out my "Forever Sharp Knife" and cautiously started

cutting THROUGH the can and within 5 minutes I had the can cut open. OH MY GOD!! I was SO HAPPY that I almost jumped for joy. And so now you're thinking "Wow, she must REALLY love olives;" but that's not it. I mean yes, certainly, I LOVE olives; but my delight came more from my sense of accomplishment AND the realization that I had proficiently completed this task without amputating one of my fingers in the process.

Oh those olives tasted divine in my salad, and I enjoyed every one of them; but I will promptly be purchasing a new electric can opener during my next vist to Walmart.

Till next time...

Queen of EVERYTHING

To Camp or Not To Camp...

Do you ever feel like you are making nothing but excuses? Well, typically I don't; that's just NOT how I roll. I'm a do what I say I'm gonna do, keep me word, you can count on me kinda girl; though lately - not so much. Lately I have been feeling like The Queen of EXCUSES even though most of them are made to myself oh and yes, of course to the readers of "The Bumpy Ride," which troubles me no end. Geez, wasn't it ME, who just a few short months ago was writing that I wanted to try to commit to writing 2 posts a week? Um, yes it was. And now, not only aren't I giving you 2 posts, I'm not even giving you one. Well BELIEVE me, it's not for lack of wanting to (yup, say it with me... "HERE COME THE EXCUSES.") Trust me when I tell you that no one wants me spending time on "The Bumpy Ride" more than I do. I've told you before that I want to write so badly that I physically YEARN for it. Which is why I probably could have produced a fabulous lay out for "Scrapbooking from The inside Out" this month, since the theme for September is yearning ~if only I could find the time. Now of course I know that we are ALL busy, so before you say "Queen get over yourself;" let me provide you with a few more of my excuses...

A couple of months ago I wrote a post about me and the kids going to Sweet Tomatoes and I mentioned that Luis was at a class, though I didn't say what for. Truth of the matter is that back in the spring Luis got a second job and has been working part time as a pharmacy tech; so he is now working Mon-Thurs until 10pm. I am so proud and grateful for my hard working husband, but that means that even though he is the one with the second job; I now have a lot of second jobs too. Basically it feels like I am a single mom Mon-Thurs and lord knows I give props to all you single moms out there; but for someone who is used to having an active partner it is a big adjustment on time. I'm still working my regular 40 hour job, but I'm now responsible for 3 meals a day for 3 kids, all school drop off and pick up, all homework, all housework, and all other parental duties that 2 usually share. Now, PLEASE don't get me wrong; I'm not complaining AT ALL; I'm just giving you my excuses for my lack of time -remember? Anyway, in addition to the fam, I have been working at soccer registration for 3 weeks now and seriously by the time I finally stop doing everything that I am REQUIRED to do in a given day, it's either write "The Bumpy Ride" or do laundry; so clearly I haven't had much of a choice. Now typically I think that I am a pretty good time manager but the reality is that you can't manage something that you don't have. So blah, blah, blah, whine, whine, whine; now you know where I've been, and I do make this promise ~ more to myself really, than to anyone else, but by hook or by crook I AM GOING TO WRITE! I said that this was my year to create AND I MEANT IT; because I am a do what I say I'm gonna do kinda girl! Nuff said.

Now, with all of this extra work for everybody, we thought a get away was certainly in order, so a couple of weekends ago we got the heck out of Dodge and went camping with The Kalka's. Ahh camping! Camping is something that sounds so good when you think about doing it; but then you have to start shopping for it and packing for it and all of a sudden you realize that camping isn't really as relaxing as you think it's going to be. So in addition to all of my other TIME consuming activities I had to fit camping shopping and camping packing into the mix and by the time we got up there I was exhausted. While we headed off to do the dishes, I actually commented to Michelle K "ya now, camping is a lot of work and I'm starting to wonder if it's worth it? Don't get me wrong; I still love the peace and quiet. I love being in the Pines, I LOVE sleeping in my tent but as far as vacations go, there are definitely things that you could do that would cost the same and require a lot less work." And I started thinking "To camp or not to camp...?" So Michelle and I carried all of our dirty pots and pans etc. over to where we thought there was a faucet that we could use. Upon finding the faucet we found a sign that said that we could take the water but we could not clean our dishes there. Now here was the dilemma... the guys had forgotten to bring a water carrier which is why we schlepped the pots and pans to the faucet. In order to transport water we now needed to fill our biggest pot with it, but then it was far too heavy for us to carry back and so I made the Lucyesque decision that we were going to run a covert pot and pan washing operation in the bathroom where there was ALSO a sign telling us NOT TO WASH DISHES IN THE SINK. OK, well you know me; I am Queen of FOLLOWING THE RULES, but this time I just used a loose interpretation of them and I told Michelle "OK, here's what we're going to do. We won't blatantly disregard the rules and wash the pots and pans in the sink; instead I am going to use the clean water that we just got and wash everything in the bathroom stall." After laughing at me for a couple of minutes, Michelle agreed and kept watch outside the bathroom door. She told me that our code word was "Not you fat Jesus," compliments of "The Hangover;" and if I heard her say that, it would mean someone was coming. I managed to get everything all washed up and even though I heard her say "Not you Fat Jesus" a couple of times; no one actually bumrushed our show. We toted all of the SEMI clean pots and pans back to our site and sent the guys for more water so that we could boil it and give everything a good rinse. I know, you probably NEVER want to go camping with me now; but remember there is supposed to be a certain element of roughing it when you camp and thankfully no one got sick. Now when all was said and done with this fiasco I definitely was leaning towards - NOT TO CAMP; but I have to say that for all the hard work, when you actually get to sit down, relax and enjoy your family and friends, it is more relaxing than any other time I can think of. It is so nice to get back to basics and see the kids run around and play. It is so nice to sit by the fire and talk and sing songs and we even threw in a G rated family version of truth or dare; that I don't know if Lyndzi will ever recover from. First of all I don't know what kind of truth or dare they play in Mexico, but when it was my turn Luis said "oh, I have a question for you;" so of course our ears perked up and I even had hopes that the question would be blog worthy, but then my husband said "True or false the earth is 5 million miles form the sun?" "Um, what?" "Can you repeat that?" And he did. He was serious. And so I responded "I don't know." That's right; me, NOT the Queen of SCIENCE said "I don't know; so rather than guess and look stupid I'll just tell you that I don't know." What the ??? I honestly didn't think that Luis had married me for my knowledge of science, but THIS,of all questions that I should have to tell the truth about??? OK! So it was clear that even though no one else was asking a question in this manner, Luis wasn't paying attention and then score 2 for Luis. The kids and I got together and decided to ask "Luis, Do you love Hershey?" And we asked this because he always says that he likes her but he doesn't love her and we really thought this was going to be the time that he told THE TRUTH and admitted that he loved her, but alas, he said "NO! I like her but I don't love her" and then Lyndzi got this mortified look on her face and started crying; "You don't love her???" She just couldn't believe it and thought it was the saddest thing that she had heard. I felt so bad for my part in orchestrating such a revelation; but what was I to do..."Smores anyone??"

In his defense, Luis did explain (to the adults) that when he was a boy he had a dog that he loved very much and he hurt so badly when the dog died, that he didn't ever want to get that close to a pet again; and how could we fault him for that?

Yes, this camping trip had been a time for many discoveries. Michelle and I even toyed with the idea of opening our own private investigation company after we conducted our own mini surveillance on a gentleman that she and Mike found to be suspicious. Michelle and Mike had noticed this guy when he was walking his dog past our site. They thought that he had observed our kids for a little too long and they were concerned that he might be a danger to them. Michelle and I decided to play amateur detectives and we drove Mike's truck around the campground a few times to gather pertinent information. When we pulled up near the rest room, we had a clear view of our suspect. He was by himself, but yet he had 2 chairs and 2 bicycles which Michelle was convinced were being used as decoys to give the appearance that he wasn't alone (even though she believed he was.) We wanted to get his license plate but we were too far away. I said "If only we had some binoculars" and voila, there they were. Michelle had found some in in Mike's trunk (I'm guessing because of sporting events; but I didn't want to ask.) Anyway, The binoculars worked GREAT! I got the license plate number, gave a full report on what he was making for dinner and then I proudly announced that I didn't think this man was alone because his tent looked too complicated to put up by himself and Michelle seemed impressed by this deduction. We drove back to our site and I decided to continue our surveillance with a technique that I called "Walking the dog;" and so Michelle and I took Hershey for a walk because I expected that she would see HIS dogs, start barking at which point I would apologize to him and a conversation would ensue and we could then get a better idea of what he was up to. My plan did work, although it was his dogs who barked and not Hershey. He and the woman he was with (see I told you he wasn't alone;) started talking to us and we concluded that our imaginations had gotten the better of us and they were perfectly nice and harmless people. Case SOLVED.

I would say that despite some hard work, our camping trip was an overall success and a good time was had by all. So is camping worth it? The jury is still out on that one; but I guess I will continue to take these camping trips until I can decide for sure either way and I will be certain to let you know. In the meantime I am going to do my best to get this blog back on track. I can tell you this, it's not so much that I WANT all the posts to be long; it's just the way they are. Anything that seems worthy of writing about, just seems to take me while. Queen of brevity I am not. No one has EVER accused me of being brief or providing too little information or leaving too much to the imagination; that's just not the kinda girl I am and that's just not the kinda blog this is.

Till next time...

Queen of EVERYTHING

Shame on FOX

Although I LOVE to write, I find that when I haven’t done so for a while I get the same feeling as when I’ve been away from the gym. The longer I wait the easier it gets to stay away and I can always find reasons not to go back; BUT this week I went back to the gym and I’m coming back to “The Bumpy Ride too.” Now as usual I gave A LOT of thought to what I was going to write about. I thought about explaining my absence, or about my kids going back to school and I came to the conclusion that I had 2 choices ~ I could write something nice and sweet and play it safe or I could speak my mind and call it like I see it. Well, get ready riders, cause I’m writing this post with guns a blazin….

I had more than just my 42nd birthday to look forward to on July 28th ~ I was taking a trip to Sedona with Jackie, Susie and my kids, I was having dinner at Carraba’s, Luis bought me a delicious Tiramisu cake AND FOX was premiering their new show “More to Love.” I was SO excited about the prospect of a show that featured average and plus sized women as I thought it was an opportunity for FOX to show the world that average and plus size women were THE RULE these days and NOT THE EXCEPTION; but I must say; ”Boo FOX, Boo!” How dare you give such a degrading title to a show whose subject matter could have been ground breaking? “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” make no references to the size of the contestants and I don’t understand why Fox felt the need to. I wonder if FOX thought that the fact that these were supposed to be average and plus size women would allude the audience during previews, without the assistance of the telltale name. “Boo FOX, Boo!” Why must the ladies weights be displayed along with their personal information? If this is supposed to be a show that’s giving average and plus size women a chance at love, why does FOX feel the need to deliberately call more attention to their weight by posting them? Why should it matter? I feel like FOX wants us to believe that being average or plus size is a handicap; but I can tell you that I presently weigh more than most of these contestants and my husband still thinks that I am beautiful. Although I was thinner when we met, I was in no way a tiny thing and even at my lowest adult weight I still could have qualified (weight wise) for this show; and yet, I was never lacking for male attention or someone to date; but apparently a truth like that is a little to REAL for this reality show.
“Boo FOX, Boo!” How are 20 average and plus size women competing for the love of ONE man any more pathetic than 20 size 2’s doing so on “The Bachelor;” and why is this the picture that FOX wants to paint?

I say “SHAME ON YOU FOX” for allowing your casting department to choose women who have never had dates before (which they attribute to their weight,) and women who always thought that their boyfriends thought they were ugly (because of their size.) These are women who need counseling, not women who are ready to be looking for a husband on TV. Really, in this day and age you want us to believe that a 21 year old girl who has never had a date before would be ready to get married to this guy that she competed for on TV; REALLY? In my opinion there was only one average to plus size woman of merit cast; and ironically she didn’t make it past the 2nd cut. Why did they choose all the forlorn, basket cases when I am sure that there were / are so many more average and plus size girls out there who would have represented us in such a more positive way. Average and plus size women who would have shown that we may be bigger but we can also be better. Women who would have made it clear that there is nothing strange about us compared to smaller women; but that’s not what they’ve chosen to do. Instead “More to Love” will have people believing that all the average and plus size girls out there either believe they are unlovable because of their size, have little confidence, or are desperate and I am here to tell ya; this just ain’t so. Like me, most of my friends are average or plus size women and they are positive, beautiful, funny, successful and committed; either to a relationship or to themselves (by giving themselves the lives they deserve.)
Oh shame on you FOX! I think Paula Abdul said it best “Take 2 steps forward; take 2 steps back.” This show had the potential to change the way America viewed average and plus sized women on TV and they have blown it, in my opinion. FOX has done us such a disservice and has turned what could have been a milestone into a mockery.
Now, on a positive note; I am happy to say that I think Luke (the fella) is adorable and I am so thrilled to hear him talk about how and why he likes bigger women; I just wish that they had found him some that he didn’t have to therapize. I mean c’mon, it’s not healthy to start off any relationship by airing all of your dirty laundry; but that is exactly what’s been going on here. I don’t think that Luke needs to hear all of their horrific or non-existent dating histories. I don’t think that Luke should have to try to convince them that they are lovable and worthy of his love. They need to see a Doctor for that. No, any woman who needs to be validated by a man is not a woman who is going to be in a partnership with a man. I think they should have found women who already knew that they were deserving of love just like everyone else and regardless s of their weight. Women who weren’t going to let their size be a crutch or get in their way. Women who could offer Luke a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship; but they haven’t.

So, will I continue to watch the show? Yes I will, because I am just too into this B rate, sappy type of stuff ~ but I am thoroughly disappointed about FOX’s missed opportunity; Oh, what could have been. Boo Fox, Boo! You should have taken the high road.
Till next time…
Queen of EVERYTHING

The Tale of the Dog ...

When last we left off in the tale of the dog; we had just brought our Chihuahua, Hershey home from Mexico. We were all getting used to having a puppy and loving every minute of it. Fast forward, seven months later and we are STILL loving every minute of it. We are all enamored with Hershey, and she seems to have this effect on all who meet her. No, Hershey is not like most Chihuahua's ~ she loves to snuggle and play. She is very endearing, and affectionate, until she's not. You see Hershey is a monogamous dog, at least "in the moment;" which is to say that if someone is loving on her and someone else comes along and tries to pet her or get her attention, she responds quite adversely. It starts with a low gurgle of displeasure and it then can build up to all out snapping. Now although she has not hurt anyone thus far and we have all learned how to tame this beast; we have a bit of a conflict because although Hersh enjoys momentary monogamy, my kids are more of the orgy type; which is to say that just as soon as someone sees Hershey enjoying the company of someone else; they think it looks good and they HAVE to get in on the act. Of course Hershey would prefer to love the one she's with, so a conflict ensues; and I probably don't have to tell you who her biggest opponent is ~ that's right, it's Kelsie or as she'd be known if she was Native American "Hated by dogs." I had actually thought that Kelsie and Hershey just had a love / hate relationship but then today Kels tried to befriend Tina's dog Max, in her typical dog tormenting fashion and I heard that same displeased gurgling sound rising up from Max and so I've come to believe that my girl just might not be a dog's best friend. Now don't get me wrong; Kelsie isn't what I would call mean to Hershey (because I wouldn't stand for it, ) it's just that they are so much alike they tend to butt heads. Both require a lot of love and attention (and it's my pleasure to give it to both of them.) Both are strong willed, both can be mischievous, both like to have what they want when they want it, both like to bark and whine and both can nag like there is no tomorrow (oops, nope that's just Kelsie.)

Now, although Hershey gets very frustrated with Kelsie, they both love each other regardless. (This picture is the perfect example of the Kelsie / Hershey dynamic. Kelsie was so happy to be taking a picture with her puppy, and Hershey is devilishly biting on her.) Regardless of how Kelsie can annoy Hersh, there have been many times when Kelsie has fallen asleep downstairs, and Hershey has laid down right on top of her or right next to her, as if to protect her. I know that Hershey loves Kelsie; she just seems to like her better when she is sleeping.

Oh to love a dog the way that we all love Hershey is not anything that I expected. When we took Hershey for her Rabies shot,our Vet had asked about getting her spayed. Up until that point we honestly hadn't thought about it, although Michelle K did express an interest in having one of Hershey's puppies if ever she was to have any. The Vet explained that if we were going to breed Chihuahuas, we would need to have a couple thousand dollars saved in the bank as often times Chihuahua's require emergency C-sections. I asked why and the Vet explained that because their heads are so big, they often have a hard time with the delivery; and even though I am pretty sure that most Chihuahuas in Mexico were not born via C-section; we decided to have her spayed because we didn't want to risk her life.

We took Hershey to the Spay clinic at our Vet's office but it was a very emotional experience. No matter how many times I explained the procedure to Lyndzi, she couldn't help but be upset. Based on what I had heard form other dog owners I had told the kids that Hershey might have a little space collar on to keep from biting her stitches, and even though I offered to show them a picture on the Internet, Lyndzi declined, but proceeded to get hysterical. She actually said, in between sobs "I don't want her to live like this!" I explained that Hershey was not sick and she was going to be just fine, but Lyndzi asked if she could stay home in the morning as she didn't feel that she could leave Hershey at the Vet's office. I agreed; and took Kelsie with me. Kelsie was wonderful ~she held Hershey in the car and gave her a pep talk and then when we got home, she reassured Lyndzi that Hershey was going to be just fine.

Time passed very slowly on Spay day as we awaited the Vet's call; but once we got it, we were all overjoyed to hear that Hershey was doing well. The kids could not wait to bring her home, and so I rearranged my schedule so that I could go and get her. When we walked in to the Vet's office, one of the Vet's assistants was telling us how adorable she thought Hershey was, but no sooner were the words out of her mouth, another assistant came out and said "I'm going to let you get her because she is growling at me." I picked up my little angel and we brought her home. She was doing well, but had an accident and peed on the couch. The kids kept telling her "that's OK Hershey, it was an accident, we know it was an accident;" and I'm sure she found it very reassuring in a Charlie Brown teacher's voice kinda way, but I think they were more so trying to reassure themselves because they thought that Luis would get rid of her if he knew that she had peed on the couch. Well I'm on their team so they needn't have worried about my reaction. I peeled the slip covers off of the pillows and threw them in the wash, and just in the nick of time, I zipped up the last pillow as Luis walked through the door. I mean I was like Tom Cruise in "Risky Business" when he finished placing his mom's Faberge egg on the mantle JUST as his parents walked in the door. I took a deep breath and let out a sigh of relief, and then asked Luis if he could pump up our Aerobed because we all wanted to sleep downstairs with Hershey in case she wasn't feeling well; since we knew he wouldn't let her sleep with any of us. We ALL slept downstairs for a week and Hershey made a lovely recovery just in time to go camping.

Hershey enjoyed the camping trip (from what I could tell) and she has been such a good traveler that we just assumed we would be bringing her on our next vacation with us. We changed our plans so many times that we never thought that we would be taking a trip that she wouldn't be able to join us on; but alas that is what happened. We were supposed to meet my friend Susie in Vegas, and since Paris Hilton and other pet toting celebs seem to take their pooches everywhere, it never dawned on me that the MGM Grand might not allow pets; however, they do not. Perhaps one day when I am "Observational Humorist ~ Paige Ramos" rather than "just your average girl next door," but for now, NO DOGS ALLOWED. We revamped our trip and changed Susie's flight, however, we could not plan a cost effective trip that included Hershey, so I needed to make pup care arrangements. Now, asking for a favor does not come easy to me, even though I would give a friend the shirt off my back. I did bite the bullet and ask a couple of friends but for various reasons no one could take care of her. I called the Pet Smart hotel to see how much they would charge and although I didn't think the $27 a day was bad I didn't think that walking her twice a day would be enough; so I made arrangements with my babysitter who agreed to come over four times a day to let her out, feed her and play with her. I was concerned about the time that she would spend by herself; and so when our friends Russell and Shelly came over the other night and Russell was snuggling with Hersh, I asked if he would be willing to come check on her while we're gone and then he magnanimously offered to watch her the whole 4 days. Whew - what a relief. I let my babysitter know that we had made other arrangements for Hershey; just because we thought she would do better with more attention and she was clearly disappointed and I don't think it was just because of the $100 I was going to pay her. I then worried if we were doing the right thing. I mean I liked the idea of Hershey being in her own home, I just thought that she would be lonely; and I liked the idea of Hershey having company and being well cared for at Russell and Shelly's I just worried that she would think that they were her new family and that we gave her away. Both Michelle K and Rachel have assured me that staying with Russell and Shelly will be the best thing for her. Rachel suggested that I put one of my shirts in her kennel so that she can smell me while we're gone and I think this is an excellent suggestion; so I will make sure to bring over a shirt, along with my picture which I would like them to show her several times a day - LOL (just kidding ~ OK maybe I'm not.)

I honestly don't know how we are going to survive this vacation without her considering how poorly we did while she was at the Vet's but maybe that was because we knew she was having surgery. It's funny how a little animal can change your life. We all love her more than we ever thought possible; especially Nicky who never even thought he wanted a dog. I guess the universe really does give you what you need.

Till next time...

Queen of EVERYTHING

You Know You Have A Problem When...#6

You Know You Have A Problem When you feel the need to conference call the latest restaurant that you're going to boycott, to inform them that you're going to be boycotting them. ( Need I say more? But you know I will...)

It was two weeks ago that I was feeling a bit like Mommie Dearest where Nicky was concerned. On Monday I took him to the Orthodontist to have his bottom spacer put in and it was not quite what we were expecting. He's had the top spacer for almost a year now, and it's a small piece of plastic (like a MINI retainer) that is affixed to the roof of his mouth and attached by thin wires to two bands on his top, back teeth. I had expected the bottom spacer to be similar, having the plastic sit flush up against the back of his teeth, but this was not the case. Instead, there was no plastic, only a thicker wire, (somewhat like a fat paper clip) in the shape of a U (for lack of a better description) and it backs up to but does not touch his teeth. It just looks like a metal barrier and suffice it to say, I wouldn't want it in my mouth. Nicky was none too happy about it and I apologized profusely but in the long run there was nothing that could be done to make it better; so instead, I made it worse. Nicky's Orthodontic plan for the summer not only included the spacer implementation but also the removal of two permanent teeth and as I had no idea that the spacer would be so unpleasant, I had scheduled his Dentist appointment for Wednesday, FOLLOWING the well checks that I had scheduled at the Pediatrician's for all 3 kids. Thankfully none of the kids needed any vaccinations; so Nicky got a temporary reprieve, but the extractions were unavoidable and my guilt was IMMENSE.

Nicky came through with flying colors and although he was experiencing some discomfort, he did not complain and took it all in stride. Nicky had been given Nitrous Oxide prior to the Novocaine and when I asked him if he had felt the shot, he said "it was just a little pinch." The next day I had an appointment to get a small filling and though I went through my typical anxiety over making a trip to the Dentist; I kept telling myself that I would be brave like Nicky and follow his example, though it may have been a little easier for me if I had Nitrous too. Nonetheless I will admit it was a quick and painless procedure and I think I did Nicky proud.

As all mouths were doing fine, the kids and I went to their swim meet; but we didn't finish until 645pm so I was challenged to find something for dinner that would be both quick and soft, so that Nicky could eat it. I suggested that we get Chinese food from Big Heng because Nicky liked their Lo Mein noodles, no meat, no veggies (which I could order as a side dish) and the girls shared egg rolls and a combo of Terriyaki chicken, and Lo Mein. I didn't order anything for me ( I refer to my list of 100 things #81. Since I try not to eat carbs at dinner, Chinese food has lost it's appeal.)

When I picked up the food I noticed that there were no fortune cookies in the box and since my kids are actually fans of fortune cookies I asked the cashier if I could please have 3. I knew that Nicky wouldn't be able to eat his that night, but I figured with their extensive shelf life he could have it once his mouth had healed. The cashier then informed me that she could only give me two cookies based on what I had ordered. I politely explained that the Lo Mein was for one person and the combo was being shared by two others and the cashier begrudgingly provided me with a third cookie as she was advising me that she would do it this time but her boss would be very upset with her about it. I handed back the third cookie, and told her that she could keep it, but that I wouldn't be coming back. I then proceeded to call Michelle K and say "this is even more shocking than Michael Jackson passing away." I told her the story and then she told me that she had actually ordered food from the same place the night before and that it had been lousy. Then when she took a moment to think about it, she realized that they hadn't been given fortune cookies either, although it didn't bother her at the time. In typical fashion we both agreed to boycott Big Heng; but Michelle really wanted to let them know about it; so we conference called them. I know, I know; WE have a problem; hence the title of this post. Michelle called and asked to speak to the manager which the person who answered the phone claimed to be. Michelle explained that she had ordered $43 worth of food the night before and it wasn't very good AND they weren't given fortune cookies. She then went on to say that her friend had just called and informed her that she had been denied a third fortune cookie with her order. The woman asked what I ordered and I explained. I also informed her that I typically ordered food there once a week and as it so happened I had ordered food twice during this week, but that I would NOT be coming back again. Michelle then asked why the restaurant would give her a free order of Crab Puffs but deny a customer an additional fortune cookie, and that is when we found out about "THE FORTUNE COOKIE POLICY." Yes, you read that right, the "Manager" claimed that I could only have 2 fortune cookies because of the fortune cookie policy, that you receive 2 cookies per entree. The Manager told us that sometimes people received handfuls of cookies and then they didn't eat them, so they installed the fortune cookie policy. I assured her that I wouldn't have asked for the additional cookie if I didn't need it. I asked how I was supposed to get 3 children to share 2 fortune cookies and she told me that she would speak to her boss about changing the policy. I of course told her she could do as she liked, but that I was not going to be coming back, nor was my friend nor whoever else I decided to tell about "The policy." Of course the manager brought up the poor economy, so Michelle suggested that they not give away FREE crab puffs with a $30 order (another unannounced "policy") when cream cheese cost far more than a fortune cookie. I also advised that the effects of losing clientele would be far worse for the restaurants economy than the cost of providing me with one extra cookie. The manager agreed and said that she was going to have a meeting with the boss to discuss the fortune cookie policy. Michelle then asked if it would be an open meeting that we could attend and asked if there was an overcooked Broccoli policy as well. As we laughed like loons, I knew that there was nothing else that needed to be said; and we ended our call.

When I got home the kids immediately asked why there were only 2 fortune cookies and I had to explain to them about the fortune cookie policy. I also explained that we were now going to be boycotting Big Heng and the kids fully understood why (maybe that should be problem # 7 - LOL)

Now do I feel GOOD about the boycott; no not necessarily, but hey it's a matter of principle and I am the Queen of PRINCIPLES. I mean you may read this and think that I am absolutely out of my mind and think that there are far more important things to worry about or focus on, and I don't dispute this; but this "policy" was so ridiculous, and so the type of thing that I encounter all the time, that it just had to be shared because (say it with me) "Who could make this stuff up?"

When Luis called to say he was on his way home, I told him that we were now going to be boycotting Big Heng and he said with a laugh in his voice "Oh I can't wait to hear this one;" and as soon as he walked in the door the kids regaled him with the inane story of the fortune cookie policy. Hmm, Mommie Dearest; maybe not quite but it's going to be an interesting ride for them NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.

Till next time...

Queen of EVERYTHING

Keep On Truckin

OK, I'll admit it; I have mixed feelings about the death of Michael Jackson. Now don't get me wrong; it is always very sad when someone passes away; ESPECIALLYsomeone who has contributed so much to the world of entertainment the way that he did ~ but if we're being honest with ourselves, didn't the Michael Jackson that THRILLED us, the Michael Jackson that we knew and loved, die a LONG time ago? Back in the day Michael was BRILLIANT. He was unstoppable, and untouchable; but then he started touching people who should have been UNTOUCHABLE and he was never viewed the same (at least by me.)

Oh I loved Michael Jackson just as much as the next person. In fact, the first concert that I ever went to was The Jackson 5 at the Nanuet Theater-go-round. I learned to do the robot, to "Dancing Machine," I rocked with him "off the wall" and to this day I have "Can You Feel it" on my IPOD. I've used "Man in the Mirror" on the "Scrapbooking From The Inside Out" playlist numerous times, and I would definitely consider myself a fan; BUT I can't excuse his pediphilia, just because he's dead; IF he's dead... I don't know, I can't help but get the feeling that his death is going to be treated like Elvis' (where people STILL think he's alive and they see him places;) or like Selena (who although was never rumored to still be alive I still can't REALLY believe she's gone) or of course, Princess Diana. People thought that it was a hoax when Princess Diana died, and finding out about her death was very painful for me because I thought I was responsible. Yes, you read that right...

It was 1997 and I was working in the coffeehouse when I had an idea for a "Seinfeld" episode. I called the episode "Keep On Trucking" because Kramer decided that he was going to revive the expression "Keep on trucking" because he thought that it was a perfectly good expression that never got enough play. And then although I hadn't written it all out, I had it all planned in my head and I shared my idea with just about everyone who came into the coffeehouse. Well, about the same time, I came across a joke that I just fell in love with. I don't remember who first told it to me; but suffice it to say I told it to EVERYONE. I even got up at Open Mic night and told this joke; and it went like this:

Dolly Parton and Princess Diana both died and went to heaven. They were waiting at the pearly gates and St. Peter came out to greet them. St. Peter told them that he only had room to admit one of them and asked them to each tell him a bit about themselves and then he'd decide who could stay. Dolly went first, and said (in her southern drawl of course ~) "Well, I'm Dolly Parton, I'm a country music star, I've written lots of songs, I have a theme park , I have tried to do lots of good for people; and, well, I guess I'm best known for my boobs." St. Peter thanked Dolly and asked Princess Diana to speak (and she did in her lovely English accent~) "I'm Princess Diana, and I was a school teacher before I married Prince Charles. I've done a lot of charity work and I douche every day." St. Peter thanked them both and announced that Princess Diana would be walking through the gates. Well Dolly was astounded and asked St. Peter why and he replied "C'mon Dolly, everyone knows a royal flush beats a pair."

OK, so I was at work at the coffeehouse and Bobbi called and said "Oh my god you're thing came true!" I had NO IDEA what she was talking about for a second, and then it dawned on me; "she must mean my Seinfeld episode." I couldn't figure out how that would have happened, but I asked; "You mean my Seinfeld episode?" And she said "No! Princess Diana is dead." OH MY GOD! You could have knocked me over with a feather. I wanted to run and hide under my bed, because I felt like I had brought this on by telling my joke everywhere; "Princess Diana died, Princess Diana died" OY! The guilt was immeasurable. Now, of course I know that it wasn't really my fault and it was just a freaky occurence because (say it with me) "who could make this stuff up?"

Of course I know that I didn't cause or predict Princess Diana's death; just like the poor reporter on TMZ last week had NO IDEA that MJ would die a week later. Yah, I don't usually watch TMZ but just before "SYTYCD" came on, I caught a bit with a reporter going up to MJ's car. His face / head was all wrapped up and the reporter said "Are you alright Michael" and MJ's reply was unintelligible but the subtitle said "Why wouldn't I be?" I guess that's just life; and these are JUST coincidences.

I am saddened by the loss of the King of Pop, and hopefully the world will remember his legacy but not forget what he became. The loss of his childhood, and his mind were terrible wastes; but I hope that in his afterlife he will find peace and keep on truckin.

Till next time...

Queen of EVERYTHING