Tuesday, March 25, 2008


I am Queen of PLAYING BY THE RULES; so I have never dared to direct your attention to the little boxes that appear to the right of my blog or below the Scrapchicas, Zazzle ad; since part of my agreement with the company who supplies the little boxes with information, is that I will not solicit people to "check them out" so to speak.

Well you're smart; so I'm sure that you know that I have absolutely no control over what appears in those little boxes, other than to try and prompt key words in labels and blog titles and BOY did I make a big mistake. You see somehow or other (Remember, NOT the Queen of Technology,) my blogs get scanned and then they post "offerings" that seem relevant to the blog. You know, they think if you're reading about such and such then you might be interested in such and such hence the "offering" in the little box.

OK, so I'm sure that you've noticed that for some time now all 3 little boxes have been filled with information about toenail fungus removal etc. I know, I know, I have no one else to blame but myself, but I mean my god; that was SO many blogs ago. I was beginning to wonder if I hadn't written about anything more compelling since then; and/or what in the world I would have to write about in order to get them to change. I mean seriously, had nothing I'd written warranted a change? I'd post a new blog, I'd list as many labels as possible, yet the boxes would continue to contain toe nail fungus... It really was on my mind.

Well, I just happened to check my blog a little while ago; and there it was; not just 1 box had changed, but ALL 3. YAY!!! My prayers have been answered. Be gone toenail fungus info and don't come back! (I'm hearing the tune of "Hit the road Jack" in my head as I type this.)

I do have to laugh though. I was perusing the new little boxes; and there was one for bread boxes. It took me a few seconds to realize why it was there. It must have been because of that whole incident when I left the loaf of bread on top of the toaster oven when it was on; but gosh, that really was a while ago. Maybe the blog scanner, box filler person was on vacation or something. I dunno and I don't care; I just say Hallelujah! and thank you. Bet you'll be keeping your eye on the little boxes now...
Till next time...

PS - Let's hope I was clever enough to avoid any trouble with the box fillers; you know I'm the Queen of OBSESSING over the Ridiculous

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Moved to Tears

There are several reasons why my blog is much longer than typical blogs. 1. I'm an overachiever - haha No, just kidding. 1. I don't post everyday or even on a regular basis, reasons being A) I don't have the luxury of time and B) and much more importantly; I won't/can't write about just anything. Believe it or not, I want my blog to matter in as much as I am giving you a good laugh, or provoking thought or sharing information and ideas that I your Queen of EVERYTHING, deem worthwhile for you. 2. I've got the gift of gab - OK, now you've probably forgotten why I'm listing reasons (I almost did - LOL) It was reasons my blog is typically so long. Right OK, so gift of gab. I write like I speak and no one has ever accused me of being short on words. OK I admit, I'm verbose. I am prone to the excess, hence, wordy blogs; however, I don't try to be wordy intentionally; I'm just trying to get my point across, and ya'know; this is how I roll. 3. HAHA - yes, of course I'm gonna keep going... Because I don't blog on a regular basis, I tend to combine multiple stories or experiences into one blog and surely this makes the blogs longer and exemplifies the whole theory of "The Bumpy Ride." For instance; if I cared less and didn't really have valuable information to share; this in and of itself could have been a blog; BUT you know me; I've only just begun AND I do have more to say - so let's round the curve and start going down the hill (well, not DOWNHILL I hope, but you know what I mean - hopefully. It's Bumpy Ride speak. My intro twisted and turned and climbed the hill and now i'm ready to head back down.)Gee, why are my blogs so long?? HMMMM...

OK, so as I previously stated, sometimes I HAVE to wait to blog until I know I have the PERFECT story for you. Just call me Queen of Anal Retentive; (but it's all for the greater good.) So, last night I experienced something that was so extraordinary, so profound; I knew that I had to share it with you. I would have typed the blog right then and there, but I had to get to bed so I could be up to work at 415; but I went to bed thinking about what I was going to write; and almost counted the minutes until I could sit down and tell this story.

Now I'm sad to say that my favorite hottie; Maks, is not on the new season of "Dancing with the Stars" yet I am watching it anyway. This season is actually full of "stars" that I enjoy. First, there's Steve Guttenberg. I've liked him forever. I LOVED him in "Diner," and he's always reminded me of this semi-boyfriend that I had in high school and college. Moving on, there's Marrissa Jaret Winokur - She's the original Tracy from the Broadway version of "Hairspray" for which she won a Tony. She's less than 5 feet tall and admittedly chubby and I love, love, love that she's out there in all her glory, doing her thing. She's got a ton of pep and energy and a real zest for life. She's a cancer survivor and just a little firecracker - Go Marissa GO!! Now, Penn Gillette and Adam Corolla are both contestants (though probably not for long;) and they both crack me up. Priscilla Presley looked a little scary to me at first but I think that's just her face. I was prepared not to like her; but I've got to give her props because she did great; as did Kristie Yamaguchi who was just amazing - SO graceful. Now last but CERTAINLY not least, was Marlee Matlin. Let me just say that I LOVE Marlee Matlin. She is sassy (which I'm a huge proponent of) classy, funny, fearless and inspiring. If any of you don't know - Marlee Matlin is a "profoundly deaf" actress who won an Oscar many moons ago for her performance in "Children of a Lesser God." She's been on "The West Wing," and more recently "The L Word," and now lucky us; she is on DWTS. She has said that she can't hear the music though sometimes if it's strong enough, she can hear the beat. She just follows her partner and watches his facial expressions and she says that is her music. She reads lips very well, but says that it's tiring, so she has an interpreter with her at all times and he signs the instructions after her partner gives them - OMG - SO much work!!
Well, let me tell you; I watched her dance and I was literally moved to tears. There was something about knowing that she couldn't hear the music that was just so powerful, so life affirming, so humbling, so compelling, and beautiful and motivating and brave. I'm not now, but I sure was then - SPEECHLESS! YES, me, Word Queen - SPEECHLESS!

Marlee Matlin's performance was the most brilliant and thought / emotion provoking performance that I have seen since Roberto Benigni in "Life is beautiful." It had the same exact effect on me. It taught me to take nothing for granted, see the beauty, that the only way to fail is not to try, to set an example for your children of all of the above AND that it's not what you say, but what you do. I KNOW that I SAY A LOT- but I'm hoping that in doing so, I am also DOING something.
Marlee's performance made me want to be a better person. To try harder - at EVERYTHING. To jump hurdles and seek challenges - because I CAN.
I can't encourage you enough to tune in to "Dancing with the Stars" and watch Marlee Matlin - I really believe that you will be glad you did.
If you did see her performance, or do watch next week, please leave a comment on this blog.

I know this wasn't my typical blog; but like I said earlier, I'm all for your greater good; and seriously, it just doesn't get better than this.
Till next time...

Thursday, March 6, 2008

I Might be Mrs. Bean

I was on my way home from the gym; and I had to stop at Safeway for Italian bread and milk. I decided that I was going to reward myself with a little treat. No, not what you might think, not chocolate, not ice cream... OLIVES. My Safeway has been undergoing a renovation, and don't ask me why but in it's attempt to renovate itself it has added one of those nice little olive bars; and big fan of olives that I am; I have been wanting to buy some and I thought - today is the day.
I walked around the olive rotunda perusing the offerings to make sure that I even wanted anything that they had. Decided yes; and took a small container. I carefully selected a couple of olives from a few of the trays, and then debated whether I should buy a marinated artichoke as well. The artichokes were pretty big as far as marinated artichokes go; and I didn't think that I needed a whole one, so I attempted to cut it in half with the spoon they provided. I cut it, and went to put it in my container and then all of a sudden the lid to the artichoke tray went flying off, and hit the floor. I don't know if anyone saw or heard this (yah, right;) but I'm positive that I turned beet red. I "discreetly" picked up the lid and placed it on the rotunda only to notice that the other half of artichoke that I did not chose was now lying on top of one of the other Olive tray lids. I discarded the unwanted artichoke, and quietly moved along.
Now mind you, I had no cart. As I said, I went in for Italian bread and milk; well, and olives apparently. Yet somehow in my hands I was now carrying, olives, cheddar cheese, and cream cheese and got to the milk aisle only to find that milk was 2 for $6. Well, I hadn't been planning on buying 2, not that I couldn't use it, but I had no cart. Nonetheless in the interest of saving a whole 49 cents, I grab the 2 milks and go look for the Italian bread, when I came across some fresh bagels. OK, so I put down my 2 milks, my olives, my cream cheese & my cheddar cheese and help myself to 3 bagels. Now I must go on to look for Italian bread. There was 1. Like 1 loaf left in the whole store. So I try to maneuver squeezing the bread, while holding on to these other items, and you know that the cream cheese and olive containers, go flying out of my hands and fall on the floor. Nothing opened thankfully. So once again I rounded up my items; and prayed that I would make it to the cart area so that I could continue looking for some kind of bread. On my way to the carts; I kept thinking "Thank god I go to the gym, carrying all of this stuff around was like carrying weights." I made it safely to the cart; bought some frozen garlic bread and hightailed it out of there.

As I was putting my bags in the car, one thought crossed my mind; "Oh my god; I'm Mrs. Bean!" Now I myself have no real opinion of Mr. Bean though it has been my experience that most Americans are not big fans; so by all means, I am not proud to liken myself to Mr. Bean; yet I honestly cannot deny that my antics, and clumsiness often lead to situations in which one watching would swear that they were watching "Mrs. Bean." Oh what's a girl to do? Now take this imagery - me as Mrs Bean, reread this blog, and hopefully you will laugh your collective asses off.
Till next time...

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Quest for a Bobble Head

When I wrote "The Hairless Arches" June 11, 2007 I pointed out that I felt obligated to share life's little odd occurrences with you; whenever I came across them. This of course prompted that infamous comment from the "Hamburglar" that still boggles my mind to this day; but at the risk of bringing the Hamburglar out of hiding; I MUST share this with you.

One day I was in Safeway, it must have been about a year ago; but I really don't remember and truth be told it's really not important. OK, so I was in Safeway and I believe I was actually talking to my friend Hilary on the phone when I was stopped dead in my tracks when I caught a glimpse of what went wheeling a cart past me. My friends, there is no other way to explain it, other than referring to her as a human bobble head. Now you know what I mean by bobble head right? One of those toys with an EXTRA big head that wobbles. I don't know what people find appealing about these things; but nonetheless; right there in Safeway there was a human one. The bobble head was an African American woman and she had on a wig that was so HUGE; her head literally bobbled to keep it up. She had on large round black sunglasses as well. She was like an exaggerated version of Diana Ross, if you can even imagine such a thing since Ms. Ross is a tad exaggerated to begin with; but OMG - I stood there paralyzed as I my eyes could not believe what they were seeing. When I was able to compose myself, I told Hilary all about this and damned myself for not having a camera phone and I promised myself that if ever I saw her again, her photo I would take.

A few months later I saw her again at Safeway (83rd and Cactus if anyone is wondering) and my response was exactly the same; one of just utter shock; and yet AGAIN I was cursed to have no camera phone.

Well on Thursday I ran to the SuperWalmart. I was on a time crunch because we had dinner plans with Kara so I was trying to be very fast about getting what I needed. I was talking on my cell to Jenny, and just then, as I rounded the corner, THERE SHE WAS - the human bobble head; right there at SuperWalmart and lucky me, my camera phone was ready to go. I told Jenny that I had to call her right back and even though time was not on my side (since I was in a rush to get out of the store;) I meandered into the produce aisle to try and capture the bobble head on film. Now admittedly, I am not the Queen of SUBTLETY nor am I the Queen of NONCHALANCE; so I hope that you can imagine how awkward and unfortunately obvious I appeared when I was trying to take these pictures. I'm sure this woman must have thought I was stalking her. Oh of course I pretended to be talking on my phone, examining my phone, WHATEVER! Yet all I could muster were shots from the back. I attempted a side view but just couldn't pull it off, so you know a front view was out of the question. I snapped 2 photos and knew that due to my time constraints and guilty conscience, the 2 photos would have to do for now.
I called Jenny back and she was laughing; she clearly knew that I was up to something. I explained the sitch and she encouraged me to go back and try to get a head on pic but A. I was already checking out; B. I was already running late and C. I'm just not that good of an actress; and I didn't think I could pull it off. She could pull it off, Luis or Michelle (Waiting till July to become legally) K could pull it off - but not me.

DISCLAIMER: These photos are not the best, but it was the best I could manage. (Hopefully you get the point.) But rest assured, if the bobble head and I cross paths again; a face shot WILL be published for your viewing pleasure and guarantee of my damnation.

Now believe me; I really am NOT making fun of this woman; but c'mon, you take a look at these pictures and you tell me that if you ran into her your mouth wouldn't be gaping open too. So please Hamburglar, do not criticize me; just take comfort in knowing that god has already punished me for my wickedness, because that night at dinner I broke a tooth on a piece of broccoli - DAMN vegetables and now I've won myself a couple of visits to the dentist (which you know I love;) and he's won himself $1100 out of my pocket - But the Bobble head viewing - PRICELESS!
Till next time...