(43-167) INDECISION

If you ever watched Seinfeld; then you know that they used to say that it was a show about nothing.  And with that in mind, I would have to stay that tonight's post is very Seinfeldesque, in as much as it's a post about writing a post.  I tired to think of a topic earlier today, but didn't feel strongly enough about anything to commit to it.  Thankfully it was an uneventful day; but that means that I can't regale you with my comings and goings, incidents or antics.  So I thought, and I thought, and guess what... I THOUGHT.  But I came up empty.  I perused Facebook for ideas; but again, nothing sparked my interest.  So I decided that I would go a searchin for a quote; but alas, I had to choose a theme for the quote; and so, I went with INDECISION.  That seemed apropos.

I read a couple of quotes on Thinkexist.com, and let me tell ya; they really don't think kindly about indecision.  So much so, that I was almost shamed into choosing another topic; but I couldn't decide; (only kidding,) but hey, I was indecisive today; so I'm gonna own it. 

Talk about indecision, The first quote that struck my fancy was actually by an unknown author; and given the topic; that makes me laugh. Anyway, author unknown wrote  “Indecision is the graveyard of good intentions” which I think sounds harsh the first time that you read it; BUT it makes perfect sense. Not that you need an interpreter, but what it meant to me was that a good idea can die, if you wait to long to chose to act on it; AND while you're sitting around, trying to decide to do something or not; you're missing your opportunity.   Another, according to Jimmy Buffet is “Indecision may or may not be my problem.”  LOVE it! 

The last quote that I'm going to share, is one by Gary Collins, who said;  "We can try to avoid making choices by doing nothing, but even that is a decision."  How true...  And so along that very same line, by writing about indecision; I made a decision. See, what did I tell you; Seinfeldesque.  Can't you just see Jerry explaining to George and Elaine that since he couldn't decide what to do his stand up routine about that night, he was going to do a routine about not being able to decide on a routine; and then he'd say something like "not making a decision is the best decision I ever made."
Till next time...
Queen of EVERYTHING

Keep On Truckin

OK, I'll admit it; I have mixed feelings about the death of Michael Jackson. Now don't get me wrong; it is always very sad when someone passes away; ESPECIALLYsomeone who has contributed so much to the world of entertainment the way that he did ~ but if we're being honest with ourselves, didn't the Michael Jackson that THRILLED us, the Michael Jackson that we knew and loved, die a LONG time ago? Back in the day Michael was BRILLIANT. He was unstoppable, and untouchable; but then he started touching people who should have been UNTOUCHABLE and he was never viewed the same (at least by me.)

Oh I loved Michael Jackson just as much as the next person. In fact, the first concert that I ever went to was The Jackson 5 at the Nanuet Theater-go-round. I learned to do the robot, to "Dancing Machine," I rocked with him "off the wall" and to this day I have "Can You Feel it" on my IPOD. I've used "Man in the Mirror" on the "Scrapbooking From The Inside Out" playlist numerous times, and I would definitely consider myself a fan; BUT I can't excuse his pediphilia, just because he's dead; IF he's dead... I don't know, I can't help but get the feeling that his death is going to be treated like Elvis' (where people STILL think he's alive and they see him places;) or like Selena (who although was never rumored to still be alive I still can't REALLY believe she's gone) or of course, Princess Diana. People thought that it was a hoax when Princess Diana died, and finding out about her death was very painful for me because I thought I was responsible. Yes, you read that right...

It was 1997 and I was working in the coffeehouse when I had an idea for a "Seinfeld" episode. I called the episode "Keep On Trucking" because Kramer decided that he was going to revive the expression "Keep on trucking" because he thought that it was a perfectly good expression that never got enough play. And then although I hadn't written it all out, I had it all planned in my head and I shared my idea with just about everyone who came into the coffeehouse. Well, about the same time, I came across a joke that I just fell in love with. I don't remember who first told it to me; but suffice it to say I told it to EVERYONE. I even got up at Open Mic night and told this joke; and it went like this:

Dolly Parton and Princess Diana both died and went to heaven. They were waiting at the pearly gates and St. Peter came out to greet them. St. Peter told them that he only had room to admit one of them and asked them to each tell him a bit about themselves and then he'd decide who could stay. Dolly went first, and said (in her southern drawl of course ~) "Well, I'm Dolly Parton, I'm a country music star, I've written lots of songs, I have a theme park , I have tried to do lots of good for people; and, well, I guess I'm best known for my boobs." St. Peter thanked Dolly and asked Princess Diana to speak (and she did in her lovely English accent~) "I'm Princess Diana, and I was a school teacher before I married Prince Charles. I've done a lot of charity work and I douche every day." St. Peter thanked them both and announced that Princess Diana would be walking through the gates. Well Dolly was astounded and asked St. Peter why and he replied "C'mon Dolly, everyone knows a royal flush beats a pair."

OK, so I was at work at the coffeehouse and Bobbi called and said "Oh my god you're thing came true!" I had NO IDEA what she was talking about for a second, and then it dawned on me; "she must mean my Seinfeld episode." I couldn't figure out how that would have happened, but I asked; "You mean my Seinfeld episode?" And she said "No! Princess Diana is dead." OH MY GOD! You could have knocked me over with a feather. I wanted to run and hide under my bed, because I felt like I had brought this on by telling my joke everywhere; "Princess Diana died, Princess Diana died" OY! The guilt was immeasurable. Now, of course I know that it wasn't really my fault and it was just a freaky occurence because (say it with me) "who could make this stuff up?"

Of course I know that I didn't cause or predict Princess Diana's death; just like the poor reporter on TMZ last week had NO IDEA that MJ would die a week later. Yah, I don't usually watch TMZ but just before "SYTYCD" came on, I caught a bit with a reporter going up to MJ's car. His face / head was all wrapped up and the reporter said "Are you alright Michael" and MJ's reply was unintelligible but the subtitle said "Why wouldn't I be?" I guess that's just life; and these are JUST coincidences.

I am saddened by the loss of the King of Pop, and hopefully the world will remember his legacy but not forget what he became. The loss of his childhood, and his mind were terrible wastes; but I hope that in his afterlife he will find peace and keep on truckin.

Till next time...

Queen of EVERYTHING

I Think I'm Someone's Newman

I am the Queen of OVER COMMITTING MYSELF. The Queen of CRAMMING AS MANY ACTIVITIES INTO ONE DAY AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE, The Queen of GETTING INVOLVED, The Queen of GO-GO-GO -
OK, The Queen of EVERYTHING.

When I registered Nicky and Lyndzi for the swim team last summer; you had to agree to volunteer at one meet per season (per child;) so I was prepared to help by giving out ribbons, or being a timer; or whatever they needed. But, then it happened... Shannon (The Head coach,) who also happened to have been Nicky's second grade teacher AND a friend of mine; put up a sign that she needed a volunteer to announce the home meets. "Volunteer" ughh; that's my kryptonite. I have such a hard time ignoring a call for help - let alone from a friend. So, you all know what I did. That's right; " I volunteered." But, I did tell Shannon that I'd do it "if" she couldn't find someone else. And guess what - she found someone else; BUT she still needed me. Oh yes; she had a VERY special (and by special I mean nerve racking) job for me. I was going to be an officiant. I was going to sit at the table with the announcer and determine which order the kids placed in and record it - OY- The Pressure! But I don't back down from a challenge. I met the task head on; and by the second meet I had recruited Luis to help me, (because we really needed another pair of eyes.)
Now we were all set; Dave (or as Luis liked to call him; "Loud Guy,") me, and Luis were the efficient officiants for the kid's swim team.

Everything was going well for the efficient officiants until one HOT Thursday when DURING the meet , this young, thin, overly blond, woman approached our table; (I knew who this woman was because her son had just been in Kelsie's pre-school class.) and said "My daughter came in first and they gave her a second place ribbon." Through our conversation with her (which by the way was taking place while we were supposed to be watching another race;) we determined that her daughter had swam in a relay. So the 3 of us explained that although her daughter may have finished first; her lane must have finished second. She of course disputed this; which really was pointless because if she would have told Shannon; I know that Shannon would have just given her a first place ribbon; but NO - she just went on and on ; say it with me "While we were supposed to be watching another race." She finally gave up and went away; but she had the 3 of us so shaken up; that we were second guessing ourselves for the rest of the afternoon - so much so that "Loud Guy" even had to announce at one point that we had made a mistake on one call and re-announce the results for that race - which I'm sure just convinced her EVEN MORE that we had made a mistake in her 6 year old daughter's race.

When I saw Shannon I told her what had happened and how horrible this woman was; and she knew EXACTLY who I was talking about before I even pointed her out; and she told me what a nightmare this woman and her kids were. As it turns out, by the end of the meet she had yelled at me, Luis, Loud Guy and 2 of the coaches. Shannon urged me not to give this woman a second thought and informed me that Luis and I were now committed to these positions for as long as our kids are on the swim team. Guess how happy Luis is. - LOL

So swim team ends and back to school we go. Thankfully her son is not in Kelsie's class this year, and when we see each other, neither of us says a thing; although her son says hello to Kelsie, each and EVERY time we see them.

At the end of last soccer season I was recruited to join the board; so I did. Why? Because I have a problem - but we've already established this. I then in turn, recruited Michelle (...)k and we are now respectively the U-14 and U-6 division reps for our kid's soccer.

One evening we were working at registration and who do you think walked through the door? If you're guessing "nightmare woman; " you're right. She saw me sitting at the registration table and she kinda took a step back. You just know that she had to be thinking "What's with this god damned woman? Every where I go; there she is. I'm at swim team - she's officiating the race (not that I think she knows that word;) I go to register for soccer, she's taking the registration - what a freakin nightmare." Anyway, as fate would have it, I was the next board member available, so lucky me - she was ALL MINE. I was VERY polite and tried to help her; because she had a series of problems. First - no birth certificate for one of the kids (and of course - we REQUIRE one.) I spoke to the registrar (because I was sitting right next to her and I told "Nightmare woman" that she could get a copy and just give it to me at school. (How nice was that?) But wait - there's more. Her next problem (which she didn't even know she had;) was that her son (the one who goes to school with Kelsie) was too young to play. Of course I had to be the one to inform her of this. So I asked the registrar if he could play, and she said "Only if there is a coach who's willing to take him." So I said to "NW" "We can let you register him and if we can't find a coach who will take him; we'll refund your money for him - Is that OK?" She said "yes;" but went on to ask if Kelsie played. I said "yes" but explained that her birthday is before the cutoff. I must have re-iterated the terms and conditions of this registration a good 3 times; just to make sure that there were no misunderstandings. I was NICE. I mean Boy, was I NICE. And then as soon as she left, Jill (the registrar) said "No way in hell am I looking for a coach for her younger son because that woman and her kids are nightmares. I sense a theme here. This woman really has SOME reputation.

One morning, a few weeks ago, I was signing Kelsie in at pre-school and her teacher started venting to me about people who don't follow the rules. Well, you know she didn't mean me; because I am the Queen of FOLLOWING THE RULES. I think she just told me because she is familiar with me since she had been Lyndzi's teacher too. Either that or it's just because people just tend to tell me stuff. I don't know which; but nonetheless I didn't give it a any thought.

When I went to pick Kelsie up, her teacher started talking to me and then excused herself as she looked past me and said (in a harsh voice) "So and So, did you get my message?" I turned around as So and So started talking (I think that's human nature; or maybe I'm just a nosy bitch;) and I don't know why I was surprised, but So and So was none other than NIGHTMARE WOMAN. (I was giddy.) When the teacher started talking to me again I said "Is that who you were talking about this morning?" and she vehemently nodded YES. It was at this point that I knew; she is the most hated woman in Peoria; and I am her Newman. Remember Newman on Seinfeld? He was Jerry's nemesis and every time Jerry said "Hello Newman," he said it with such disdain. Well; I'm So and so's Newman - Everywhere she shows up; there I am - and no matter what she's doing; I'm doing more. First swim team, then soccer, now she has a problem with the staff at the school and I'm the witness. I'm probably the last person that she wants to see ANYWHERE. So, I bet it came as no surprise when she got to the fall performance at the pre-school and saw Kelsie's name in the program. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree ya know. We're just a family of Do-ers.

Perhaps next time I run into her (And you KNOW there will be a next time;) I'll just say (in my best Seinfeldesque tone) "Hello So and So;" to which I'm sure she'll respond "Hello Newman." Or more than likely - she'll say nothing at all; but her son will say "Hi" to Kelsie.

Till next time...

Queen of EVERYTHING

No Need for Frank Costanza

Disclaimer: This blog may contain a little TOO MUCH personal information.

My feet are the vain of my existence; now there's an opening statement for you.
In almost every way that feet can cause someone a problem, mine do. For starters they are a whopping size 12 PLUS. I say size 12 PLUS, because even my size 12 shoes, do not seem to be fitting me lately, whereas I suspect that a size 12 1/2 would do the trick; (like those are so easy to come by.) Luckily for me, my feet are very narrow, Quadruple A to be exact,so at least I don't have wide and long to contend with, although most shoemakers seem to equate long with wide and many times I only see size 12W; thank you very much. Michelle (Not yet legally) K, has been referring to my feet s "Grinch Feet" for years; because she believes they resemble those of Dr. Seuss' beloved character. As a matter of fact, last night I even heard her address Nicky as "Grinch foot jr." LOL Let's put it this way - My feet are such a spectacle, that right after I gave birth to Nicky; I was still laying on the delivery table and the nurses had taken him to clean him off and do his APGAR, and all of a sudden I hear them say "Whose feet are these?" And in an exhausted, just gave birth for the first time voice, I said "MINE." I mean I hadn't even SEEN his feet yet; but I just knew that if they were comment worthy, they must look like mine.
Anyway, in addition to my increasing foot size, I have; oh this is embarrassing to admit, (but I was born with it, so it's not like it's my fault) a hammer toe on my right foot; and lastly I seem to be beleaguered with in grown toe nails quite often. Don't I sound attractive? Those of you who have never met me are completely grossed out by now I'm sure and those of you who don't know me are probably just shocked that I am willing to humiliate myself in this way, just for the sake of getting a laugh.

So let's move on. Back in the day, when I would go to Vallarta; (the day being when I was single and in my twenties;) my trips would consist of laying out by the pool, shopping, going out to dinner and DANCING, DANCING, DANCING. Suffice it to say that now that I have been married for 13 1/2 years and am the mother of 3; my Vallarta activities have changed slightly; hence our Saturday night activity of Luis, 2 of his sisters and my niece, working on removing my ingrown toe nail. OK, so it went a little something like this. I felt like I had an ingrown toe nail on my right big toe (Not to be confused with my left big toe nail which is getting ready to fall off due to a combination of fungus - I know, I just keep digging myself in deeper; AND the fact that twice I have dropped something heavy on it; so right, get the visual, the upper portion of the nail, is like deadened yellow, and the bottom portion is purplish, black - I'll give you a sec to run to the bathroom and vomit, before I continue.
(Sound of Jeopardy music plays - Doo, do doo, do doo, do do...)
OK, so ingrown toe nail. We're sitting on the porch on Saturday morning and I ask Luis to check and see if one of his sister's has a nail clipper and I tell him about my toe hurting. Surprise, surprise, he doesn't ask; so I go and find one for myself and ask him to help a sister out. He snips a piece off, but we both realized it was going t require a smaller clipper, and he did agree to ask someone if they had one. A few hours later I'm lying upstairs in the hammock, reading a book, and here comes Luis and 2 of his sisters. In Spanish, they are discussing my toe and trying to convince me to go to the Doctor, and let him give me a shot and remove the toenail. Oh Hell to the NO. There is NO way this is going to be happening. You know me; I am the Queen of Fearing Shots. Remember me, Woman who had 3 kids and no epidural or drugs (partly because of my huge fear of SHOTS) like I'M going to agree to this - Hell no. I explained that I didn't think this was as big a problem as they thought it was and that I usually had it taken care of when I got a pedicure. I told them that I thought we could handle this at home. So Luis, my niece and I trotted off to the pharmacy in search of the proper tools and such to cure my problem. Oh, this family was in their glory, let me tell you; they LOVE a project. One sister boiled water for me to soak my toe, then after sufficient soaking, Luis began clipping the nail (I know, you gotta love a man who'll clip your toe nails - and ladies he is all mine!) Anyway, I believe he got all of the ingrown toe nail out, and then my niece went to work. She mixed an Ampicilan capsule with some Bacitracin like ointment, put it on my toe and wrapped my toe in gauze in a way that would have put friggin Florence Nightingale to shame. And voila! My toe was better; and imagine that; I didn't even need a shot.

SO, now, let's fast forward a couple of weeks and it is now just the other night and my friend Jenny and I go to get pedicures. A few months ago, we found a place by my house and we really like it. It's nothing fancy; but they take competitors coupons, and you know how much I get a rush out of having a coupon. Also, they are really nice. EVEN with the state of my feet - I hardly ever feel like they are talking about me. So Jenny and I are driving over and I warned her that my left toe nail was just about ready to come off and that I thought this was going to be gruesome on many different levels. I did tell her that I was sure that it was just a blog waiting to happen; and yah, heck yah, I was NERVOUS!
SO I get the gentleman pedicurist that I never had before, and before he could take my polish off, I warned him about my left big toe. He removed the polish, and of course it was just as beautiful as we expected. He put my foot back in the water and began to take the polish off my right foot; and as he's working on my big toe, he says "Who did this to you?" Referring to my mutilated nail, I'm sure. So I said "Well, it's a long story," and I just told him that I'd had an ingrown toe nail while I was on vacation and my husband tried to fix it for me. He seemed relieved that I wasn't blaming it on a previous trip to his shop. I don't know about you normal feeted people, but whenever I am getting a pedicure; I feel the need to apologize; A LOT. So I'm doing my usual, "I'm so sorry, I know my feet are ugly, gross etc, etc;" (I mean between the fungus/dead nail, the mishapen nail, and the healing blisters which make my feet look like they have acne) I mean who wouldn't apologize?? So then what happens... he starts speaking in Vietnamese, (Big Surprise!) But in a low murmur. I said "Excuse me, are you talking to me?" To which he replied "No, I'm talking to her." Indicating the pedicurist who was working on Jenny. I asked if he was telling her how bad my feet were and he said "Why should I have to tell her when she can see what I'm working on?" OH MY GOD, dissed by the pedicure man - it was so funny, I just had to laugh, and laugh; because I know he meant it in the nicest way that someone could mean something like that. Just like the time I asked the Vietnames woman who used to cut my hair if she thought I should cut my hair short adn she said "No, becasue then you will have a little head on a big body." Why do people feel compelled to say these things to me?? LOL Anyway, the woman working on Jenny went on to say "You know,if someone had clean feet; they wouldn't come here. They come because they need their feet cleaned up." I thought this too was very nice. See, no need for Frank Costanza at this pedicure place. LOL Remember that "Seinfeld" episode when Elaine took George's dad to the pedicure place because he spoke Vietnamese (from when he was in the war;) and she wanted to see if the pedicurists were talking about her and they said "where is his tail;" and he lost it, and busted them for what they said and they accused Elaine of bringing in a spy... Too funny. Well no need for Frank Costanza here. These pedicurists tell you like it is to your face; and I respect that. HAHAHA - only me.
Anyway, I'm sure your curiosity is getting the better of you so let me conclude by telling you that the left nail was NOT ready to come off or be removed; Hallelujah! So I have saved myself that pain and embarrassment for a little while. My pedicure man said that it will come off on its own and then it won't hurt - I sure hope he's right; but at the very least it will give me a whole other blog; I'm sure.

Till next time...
Queen of EVERYTHING