Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I Think I'm Someone's Newman

OK, The Queen of EVERYTHING.

When I registered Nicky and Lyndzi for the swim team last summer; you had to agree to volunteer at one meet per season (per child;) so I was prepared to help by giving out ribbons, or being a timer; or whatever they needed. But, then it happened... Shannon (The Head coach,) who also happened to have been Nicky's second grade teacher AND a friend of mine; put up a sign that she needed a volunteer to announce the home meets. "Volunteer" ughh; that's my kryptonite. I have such a hard time ignoring a call for help - let alone from a friend. So, you all know what I did. That's right; " I volunteered." But, I did tell Shannon that I'd do it "if" she couldn't find someone else. And guess what - she found someone else; BUT she still needed me. Oh yes; she had a VERY special (and by special I mean nerve racking) job for me. I was going to be an officiant. I was going to sit at the table with the announcer and determine which order the kids placed in and record it - OY- The Pressure! But I don't back down from a challenge. I met the task head on; and by the second meet I had recruited Luis to help me, (because we really needed another pair of eyes.)
Now we were all set; Dave (or as Luis liked to call him; "Loud Guy,") me, and Luis were the efficient officiants for the kid's swim team.

Everything was going well for the efficient officiants until one HOT Thursday when DURING the meet , this young, thin, overly blond, woman approached our table; (I knew who this woman was because her son had just been in Kelsie's pre-school class.) and said "My daughter came in first and they gave her a second place ribbon." Through our conversation with her (which by the way was taking place while we were supposed to be watching another race;) we determined that her daughter had swam in a relay. So the 3 of us explained that although her daughter may have finished first; her lane must have finished second. She of course disputed this; which really was pointless because if she would have told Shannon; I know that Shannon would have just given her a first place ribbon; but NO - she just went on and on ; say it with me "While we were supposed to be watching another race." She finally gave up and went away; but she had the 3 of us so shaken up; that we were second guessing ourselves for the rest of the afternoon - so much so that "Loud Guy" even had to announce at one point that we had made a mistake on one call and re-announce the results for that race - which I'm sure just convinced her EVEN MORE that we had made a mistake in her 6 year old daughter's race.

When I saw Shannon I told her what had happened and how horrible this woman was; and she knew EXACTLY who I was talking about before I even pointed her out; and she told me what a nightmare this woman and her kids were. As it turns out, by the end of the meet she had yelled at me, Luis, Loud Guy and 2 of the coaches. Shannon urged me not to give this woman a second thought and informed me that Luis and I were now committed to these positions for as long as our kids are on the swim team. Guess how happy Luis is. - LOL

So swim team ends and back to school we go. Thankfully her son is not in Kelsie's class this year, and when we see each other, neither of us says a thing; although her son says hello to Kelsie, each and EVERY time we see them.

At the end of last soccer season I was recruited to join the board; so I did. Why? Because I have a problem - but we've already established this. I then in turn, recruited Michelle (...)k and we are now respectively the U-14 and U-6 division reps for our kid's soccer.

One evening we were working at registration and who do you think walked through the door? If you're guessing "nightmare woman; " you're right. She saw me sitting at the registration table and she kinda took a step back. You just know that she had to be thinking "What's with this god damned woman? Every where I go; there she is. I'm at swim team - she's officiating the race (not that I think she knows that word;) I go to register for soccer, she's taking the registration - what a freakin nightmare." Anyway, as fate would have it, I was the next board member available, so lucky me - she was ALL MINE. I was VERY polite and tried to help her; because she had a series of problems. First - no birth certificate for one of the kids (and of course - we REQUIRE one.) I spoke to the registrar (because I was sitting right next to her and I told "Nightmare woman" that she could get a copy and just give it to me at school. (How nice was that?) But wait - there's more. Her next problem (which she didn't even know she had;) was that her son (the one who goes to school with Kelsie) was too young to play. Of course I had to be the one to inform her of this. So I asked the registrar if he could play, and she said "Only if there is a coach who's willing to take him." So I said to "NW" "We can let you register him and if we can't find a coach who will take him; we'll refund your money for him - Is that OK?" She said "yes;" but went on to ask if Kelsie played. I said "yes" but explained that her birthday is before the cutoff. I must have re-iterated the terms and conditions of this registration a good 3 times; just to make sure that there were no misunderstandings. I was NICE. I mean Boy, was I NICE. And then as soon as she left, Jill (the registrar) said "No way in hell am I looking for a coach for her younger son because that woman and her kids are nightmares. I sense a theme here. This woman really has SOME reputation.

One morning, a few weeks ago, I was signing Kelsie in at pre-school and her teacher started venting to me about people who don't follow the rules. Well, you know she didn't mean me; because I am the Queen of FOLLOWING THE RULES. I think she just told me because she is familiar with me since she had been Lyndzi's teacher too. Either that or it's just because people just tend to tell me stuff. I don't know which; but nonetheless I didn't give it a any thought.

When I went to pick Kelsie up, her teacher started talking to me and then excused herself as she looked past me and said (in a harsh voice) "So and So, did you get my message?" I turned around as So and So started talking (I think that's human nature; or maybe I'm just a nosy bitch;) and I don't know why I was surprised, but So and So was none other than NIGHTMARE WOMAN. (I was giddy.) When the teacher started talking to me again I said "Is that who you were talking about this morning?" and she vehemently nodded YES. It was at this point that I knew; she is the most hated woman in Peoria; and I am her Newman. Remember Newman on Seinfeld? He was Jerry's nemesis and every time Jerry said "Hello Newman," he said it with such disdain. Well; I'm So and so's Newman - Everywhere she shows up; there I am - and no matter what she's doing; I'm doing more. First swim team, then soccer, now she has a problem with the staff at the school and I'm the witness. I'm probably the last person that she wants to see ANYWHERE. So, I bet it came as no surprise when she got to the fall performance at the pre-school and saw Kelsie's name in the program. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree ya know. We're just a family of Do-ers.

Perhaps next time I run into her (And you KNOW there will be a next time;) I'll just say (in my best Seinfeldesque tone) "Hello So and So;" to which I'm sure she'll respond "Hello Newman." Or more than likely - she'll say nothing at all; but her son will say "Hi" to Kelsie.
Till next time...


Rachel said...

My, but I do love the way you spin a yarn, Q of E!

Still not Legally K! said...

YOU KILL ME!!! Lucky she doesn't know how to read or you may find yourself with a stalker...or already have one? Could it be that she just "shows up" where you are? I think she wants to BE you - three kids, lots of sports, hmmmmmmm. "Hello, RAMOS!"

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't have believed that story until we were in Wal-mart, and you were like, "It's her, and I almost peed my pants, for a half second I thought you were kidding, but of course she was there. duh.