(43-343) There Are No Words

I don't like feeling helpless.  I'm not comfortable with feeling out of control and it is crucial that I make the ones that I love feel better.  Yet, when sickness and death are involved; we are all helpless.  We are all out of control, and there truly is nothing that any of us can say to make our loved one feel better.  Life is beautiful and yet cruel.  We build relationships with family, friends, pets, co-workers, and yet we are supposed to accept their illness or loss and just go on with our lives...  We all know that's not true.

My father was the first person that I personally knew who passed away and his passing was totally unexpected.  Yes, he'd been sick; but I had no idea that it was as serious as it actually was, and the fact that I'd been estranged from my mom for two years, just made the situation that much more precarious.  Things were complicated and no one really knew what to say to me, and at the age of 15 I just accepted that.

Just three years later when my mom's cancer came back and she started to get sick, I found that friends withdrew from me because they didn't know what to say or how to comfort me since death and such circumstances were something that was unfamiliar to them.  The truth of the matter is that someone who is suffering doesn't need you to have the perfect words, they just need your love and support and empathy and time.  No one can expect that someone else is going to have the magic words to make you feel all better, because those words don't exist. 

There are no words that can stop our loved ones from hurting in such situations, and really, NO ONE expects us to have them.  All that we can tell those who are suffering or nearing a loss is that we love and care for them, and that we are so sorry that they are hurting.  I know that it will make you feel helpless and out of control but there are some things that are just bigger than us.
Till next time...
Queen of EVERYTHING

(43-276) Food Tidings

There are numerous reasons that I consider myself to be a profoundly, blessed woman; and amongst them, I include each and every one of my phenomenal friends.  Since my parents passed away when I was a teen and I had little to no interaction with my extended family; my friends have always been extraordinarily important to me, and I cherish them all.

Although I've mentioned several of my friends in previous posts, you know that there are certain local friends of mine that you hear about more often than others; and one of them, is my amazing friend, Mari.   I've dedicated a number of blogs to extolling Mari's virtues and raving about her talents and trust me when I tell you that I've only addressed the tip of the iceberg.

I last mentioned Mari when I wrote "Oh Scrappy Day!!!" I explained that Mari couldn't join us at the scrapbook convention because her 18 year old daughter had to have surgery just two days prior and she was still in the hospital.  I wrote that post on April 16, and sadly, Mari's daughter has yet to leave the hospital.  Incredible mom that she is, Mari has barely left her side; but she does still have a husband and three other children at home.  I have extended myself to Mari and her family, as I would do anything to try and make things easier for them at this time; but to date Mari has asked for nothing other than her friend's prayers.

I've felt useless.  I've wanted to find a way to help and thanks to Mari's friend Cheryl, I now know how to.  A few days ago I received an email from Cheryl (who I don't know,) and it was an invitation to sign up on Food Tidings so that we could provide meals to Mari's family in her absence.  Foodtidings.com is "a place to manage meals for your family & friends in need!"  It was "designed to help eliminate some of the time and confusion in coordinating a meal schedule;"  and I was so happy to receive an invitation to assist Mari, and her family; until I experienced the discombobulation that I referenced in "ROYALLY Messed Up..."

I was so eager to participate, that I signed up for the first available date, which happened to be the third date on the list.  I knew that my schedule for the next two weeks was going to be a lil busier than usual but I really thought that I would be able to provide dinner on Tuesday 5/3, so I signed up to bring roasted chicken, mashed potatoes and a vegetable.  A while later when I went to write this down on my refrigerator calendar, I was dismayed to discover that bringing a dinner on Tuesday would be an impossibility for me, because both Nicky and Lyndzi are scheduled for Orthodontist appointments at 330 and Lyndzi and Kelsie both have a school concert at 6.  I was very embarrassed about my error and I mustered up the courage to email Cheryl to see if she could switch days with me so that I could bring a meal on Monday (when she was scheduled to.)  Cheryl was very nice when she emailed me back, but she said that she was confused because the family had not requested a meal for Monday since they were going out to eat for Mari's other daughter's birthday.  I apologized profusely for my mistake and for coming off unbelievably flaky; and I told her that I would just schedule a different day.  Sure enough, when I checked the sign-up sheet again, I found that even though Cheryl had signed up for the first date, it wasn't May 2, it was April 28th.  AGHHH!  I'm not comfortable with being so inattentive.  And yes, I know that I'm trying to do a good thing and I didn't make a mistake on purpose, and I should cut my self some slack; but this is me we're talking about, and I just don't do that.  Anyway, I removed my May 3rd menu and selected another day, on which I'll bring Baked ziti with ground beef, salad and bread. 

In the big scheme of things, my little goof up isn't worth a second thought compared to what Mari and her family are going through.  I have such admiration for their strength, courage and love; and it will be my pleasure to bring them meals and lend my support any way that I can.

Although many of you only know Mari through my blog; I'm going to ask that you all say a prayer for her and her family, as there is great strength in numbers.  As always, in the interest of (say it with me,) "The Greater Good," I encourage you to visit Foodtidings.com if you know someone who is in need of the comfort of a meal.
Till next time..
Queen of EVERYTHING  

(43-175) With Sympathy...

Everyone has their own personal way of dealing with their grief, loss, depression, stress; etc. We all have our own means of coping. For some, it is best to be surrounded by loved ones, while for others isolation is more soothing. Because people vary so much, it can be difficult to know how to be there for a friend when they're hurting; but I hoped that I knew what my dear friend, Rachel K needed.

A few months ago, Rachel had suffered the loss of her beloved friend; Barry; and then on December 26, she had to say goodbye to her four legged son, Bart. I may not get this exactly right; but I believe that Bart was a 16 1/2 year old, wire haired, Dachshund; and I can honestly say that I have never met anyone who was more devoted to their dog; than Rachel. Rachel adored Bart; and she treated him with the utmost love and respect. During the last month of his life, Rachel cooked special meals for Bart and tried to do everything and anything to restore his health. She even took him to a holistic vet in addition to seeing her traditional vet.

When Rachel called to tell me that they had to put Bart to rest; she was sobbing uncontrollably, and I felt helpless. There are NEVER any words that anyone can say to someone who has experienced such a loss; and so all I could say was "I'm so sorry;" and I was / am. I'm so sorry that she has to hurt; I'm so sorry that she has to be without her friends. I'm so sorry that she won't get to hold them or be comforted by them again, and I'm so sorry that this is unfortunately the way that life is.

I hadn't heard from Rachel since she called to tell me about losing Bart; but because I know that she needs to keep to herself when she's upset; I tried not to crowd her. I left her a message on a weekly basis; just so she would know that I was thinking of her; and I sent her a text as well. I wanted her to know that when she was ready, I'd be here for her; and in the meantime, I'd wait and send my love.

Rachel was very much on my mind today; and perhaps that's why she called me. Rachel told me that she was working on healing, slowly; and we discussed how unfair death was. I told Rachel that I felt terrible for not being able to do more for her; but I knew from personal experience that there was absolutely nothing that I could say. I apologized for not being able to do anything to provide her with some relief, and again told her how sorry I was for her loss. We chatted a bit longer, and discussed how awful death is. I said that hopefully, as time goes on; she'll be able to remember the wonderful times that she'd had with Barry and Bart and those feelings of gratitude  would replace the agonizing pain that she was experiencing now.  I know that right now, that seems impossible; but I speak from experience when I say it can be done. It will always hurt to miss our loved ones; but I do believe that Tennyson is right, "Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all."

Rachel is a woman who treasures her family of friends, and all that are fortunate enough to call her friend; are truly blessed. I am so sorry for Rachel's recent losses; and for anyone who has experienced the loss of a loved one. All I can offer is my love , my words and my sympathy; and hope that in some way, there is comfort in that.
Till next time...
Queen of EVERYTHING