Always Remember

12 years ago today, 9/11 became a day that Americans will never and should never forget; however, for me this date has had significance for 27 years,  as on September 11, 1986 my beautiful, mother lost her courageous battle with cancer.  Both of these tragic events are still so vivid to me.  I know exactly where I was when I got the call that my mom had passed away.  So many years have passed, and yet it seems like just yesterday and the hurt is still as deep.  Likewise, it seems like no time has passed since I walked into my friend Kara's kitchen to drop Nicky off at her house, because I was 6 months pregnant with Lyndzi and I had to go take my 3 hour glucose tolerance test.  I saw the unbelievable footage on her small, television set and I was absolutely dumbfounded.  I sat for the next 3 hours, tortured by the intense aftermath of the glucose and the terrifying images on the lab TV.

Yesterday Kelsie sweetly reminded me that we had to light a candle for Grandma Lee on Wednesday; and after she had made the comment, I couldn't get the impending date off my mind.  I contemplated what I might write on my Facebook to let my friends know what this day meant for me as it was the day that I had lost my mom and I truly missed her; but knowing that there were SO MANY to be thought of, I was uncertain as to how I wanted to proceed.  When I had a few minutes to jump on Facebook this morning, I was gratified to see how many people had made "never forget" posts, and shared pictures to commemorate  9/11.  I considered writing a post to honor my mom, but with an entire country focused on the tragedy, I decided to go another route; so although no one may have known it, with my mom in mind and always in my heart, I wrote this post:  "Not only is it important that we "never forget", we also need to always remember... Tomorrow is not promised, let go of the pettiness and be grateful for all that we have and each day that we are blessed with. Honor those that have lost their lives for us, by being the best versions of ourselves and making this world a better place."


Within minutes "friends" started liking my post, and even commented; as they felt that what I had written was spot on.  My amazing, friend Tammy, even shared my post on her page, which warmed my heart and validated my feelings.  I am thoroughly thrilled that so many agreed with me, I just hope that they still agree tomorrow, and the next day and the day after that.  You see, although 9/11 was one day that we should  "Never forget" we need to carry that with us EVERYDAY!   When our friends are posting their contrasting political points of view on Facebook, we need to remember that yesterday we all wanted to be ONE America and ban together to "never forget."  Yesterday, we were all united as we recalled the hideous attack and we claimed to be proud to be Americans one and all, that no one should try to harm.    We need to "never forget" that there is no time like the present, and that if something, or someone is important to us, we need to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, because we might not get another chance.  We need to "never forget" that we are all only human and as such we make mistakes and we deserve forgiveness.  We need to "never forget" that it is our duty to live every day to it's fullest  and not waste a single moment on worry or regret, for if we do we are robbing ourselves of precious time that others might not have.


I write this blog tonight as I wrote that post this morning - with all the love in my heart.  With the utmost gratitude for having had an incredible mother, who taught me well during the 19 years that she graced my life.   It is my fervent hope that she is watching down from heaven, comforted by the knowledge that I live every day to make her proud and that I for one still believe in promoting the GREATER GOOD!   I know that we all can DO BETTER. We can be kinder, more tolerant, and work towards a common goal.  We should strive to lead by example and not only when it's convenient or suits our purpose.  We need to teach our children that we do what we say and say what we do.   We need to let the people who are important to us KNOW IT, and be thankful that we live in a country where we are permitted to have differences in opinions in the first place.  We need to commit to memory and practice, that if we should "never forget"  that also means that we should "ALWAYS REMEMBER."

Till next time...
Paige

(43-359) My Story - Part 2

Let me start off by saying that I truly appreciate the heartfelt comments that I've been receiving in response to yesterday's post "My Story - Part 1".  Perhaps most bloggers wouldn't start chapter two of a story that way, but then again; I'm not most bloggers. 

If you read part 1 of my story, then I probably don't need to warn you that this is not a happy tale.  In fact, today's recollection is much more difficult for me to tell -  but I'm going to do it no matter how uncomfortable it is; because I want to leave a written record of what my life was like and how I got to be who I am now...

I did not speak to my mother at my father's funeral.  I didn't know what to say, and at the time I still believed all of the horrible lies that my father had told me about her.  My father's girlfriend made arrangements for my boyfriend and I to spend a week with a friend of mine who lived in Maryland; and upon my return she told me that I had to meet with my mom because I was going to have to go back to live with her.  There were a lot of hurt feelings on both ends I know, but my mother welcomed me back with open arms; and slowly but surely I reciprocated.

We had my Sweet 16 as planned, and a few days later I was admitted to the hospital for Arthroscopic knee surgery; which also had been scheduled before my father had passed away.  School was set to start a few weeks after that, and I didn't want to go to the high school that was by my mom's house since I had been teased terribly throughout Jr, high.  Because my mom understood how important it was to me to remain at Tappan Zee,  she made arrangements with my Principal so that I could use a friend's address and continue going to school there.  As a result of my knee surgery, I had an enormous cast on my left leg, from my ankle to my thigh and  since TZ was a good twenty minutes from my house, my mom went out of her way to drive me to school every morning and she paid someone to drive me home.

I got on with my life, adjusting to not having a father and getting reacquainted with my mother.  Then one day I was called to the Principal's office.  I was informed that I had enough credits to graduate that spring; but since I was only sixteen and had just gone through a truly, traumatic experience, I didn't feel ready to leave my new home.  I opted to stay with my mom, who had been in remission from her Cancer and took classes for college credit during my senior year.  My house became the party house, and all of my friends loved spending time with my mom. She was different.  She was honest with us, and she was fun, and funny and I had far too little time with her.

After being weight listed for my school of choice, my mom and I took a last minute trip to visit two of the Long Island University campuses.  Ultimately she and I agreed that Southampton was the right place for me; but imagine my surprise when on the first day of school, every other person I met was a marine biology major and I was there for Pre-law.  I thought there must have been some mistake.  I mean science was definitely not my forte and pardon the pun, but I felt like a real fish outta water.  I came to be assured that there were other majors at LIU-Southampton; it was just that most people did go there for Marine bio.  Most people, like my suite mate Michele Q.

During our getting to know you exercises Michele Q and I discovered that we had the same birthday.  And at the time, other than our birthdays and our residence, I thought that was all that we had in common.  It wasn't that I didn't like Michele Q; in retrospect, maybe I was just jealous.  She was vivacious, and confident and she walked around singing (beautifully) at the top of her lungs, and maybe just maybe I felt a little threatened by her. 

My mom came out for parents weekend, and she looked great.  I suppose that's why it was such a surprise that she ended up back in the hospital by Halloween.  Her cancer had come back, and I needed to get home to see her.  I was scared and I didn't want to go alone and when I asked if any of my suite mates would go home with me, Michele Q was the only one to say she would.  Michele enlisted our other suite mate Monique to come with us and they managed to turn a very frightening experience into a life changing event.  Michele came home with me every weekend to go see my mom in the hospital.  She had become my best friend; my sister. 

We almost lost my mom at Christmas time, but she managed to hold on.  I returned to school after the New year, but a week into my second semester, my Uncle called to say that my mom was being released from the hospital as there was nothing more that they could do for her, and I needed to withdraw from school, come home and take care of her.

When I got back to my mom's house, I found her in a hospital bed in our living room.  My grandparents had said that they would stay to help and there would be home health aides coming daily as well.  I enrolled at Rockland Community College, and I got a job at a bakery because I couldn't stand to be at home watching my mother deteriorate.  I would get up in the middle of the night when she called me for help, but I did so begrudgingly and that is a cross that I will always have to bare.  I won't make excuses for myself, but I do realize that I was 18 and for the second time in three years I was going to lose a parent.  I was watching my mother be slowly tortured and it was killing me; so no, I wasn't in good spirits when I tried to assist her and I will forever regret that.

While the Cancer took over my mom's body and she had no idea who I was; I had reapplied to the American University School of Justice in Washington D.C and got in.  But knowing that it wouldn't be long before we were going to lose my mom, I decided that I should stay closer to home for my brother's sake and I made plans to return to LIU in the fall.    Feeling like I was going to need to focus on more than just academics, I had applied to become a Freshman Student Assistant and after an extensive interview process I was selected for a position.  FSA training was scheduled for a week before school started, but knowing that my mom's end was near, I couldn't bring myself to leave.  I called Michelle Q, who had just arrived home after spending the  summer in Suriname.  And as soon as I told her how dire things had become with my mom, she literally dropped off her suitcases and got on a bus to come up to see me.

In the only moment of lucidity that my mom had experienced in weeks, she told Michele that she needed to pack me up and take me back to school.  I didn't want to go because I knew that I would never see my mom again, but Michele insisted as it was my mother's dying wish. 

I don't remember saying goodbye to my mother, as the person that I left in that hospital bed was a mere skeleton and not the exquisite, exuberant mom that I had grown to know and love.  I think that I must have cried almost all the way to school, but Michele reassured me that she would be there for me; and she was.

A few days after classes had started, I got the call that I knew was inevitable.  On September 11, 1986 my mom had lost her long, battle with Cancer and at the age of 19, I was parentless.  Michele and some other school friends took me home for the funeral and I attempted once again, to get on with my life.

My Uncle had moved in with my brother, as he was 17 and still needed to finish high school.  I tired to go home for Christmas, but I felt so uncomfortable there, that I never went back.  My Provost knew about my situation and as I wasn't eligible for work study, he created jobs for me so that I could live on campus during winter and summer breaks.

I worked as an FSA, I was Student Government Secretary for a year and a half, and President my senior year.  I changed my major to Sociology because I decided that I didn't want to be a lawyer and I didn't want to lose all of the college credits that I came in with from high school and I decided not to attend my graduation because even though Michele  and my dad's old girlfriend would have been there for me; I thought that it would just hurt too much.

After I lost my father, I thought to myself  that losing someone so unexpectedly must be so much more awful than knowing that someone was going to pass away.  But after watching my mom suffer the way she did, I can honestly say that in my opinion,  knowing is by far worse.   

I know that this story is an unusual one, and I readily admit that these experiences have left me with profound scars.  But each day I try to be the best person that I can be and I endeavor to be a person that my mom would be proud of.  I don't hold a grudge against Richie Howell, I just don't have any fond memories or good thoughts about him. Yet despite him and the course that he set in motion for my life,  I am happy.  I know that although I lost a lot at an early age, I also have so much more than most people, in the way of those who love and care for me.  
Till next time...
Queen of EVERYTHING

(43-255) C'mon Get Happy

This week's been a bit of an emotional roller coaster for me; and this morning I was in a foul mood for a couple of hours.  I can attribute it to the weather, or Kelsie, or new school procedures, or friends; or a multitude of other concerns; but regardless of the cause(s) I was downright pissy. 

Queen of OVERTHINKING that I am, I kept rehashing the things that were troubling me; and I thought to myself "I can sit here feeling annoyed and angry OR I can just accept the way things are for now and cross any necessary bridges, if and when I come to them.  Why waste time feeling bad when I could just be happy that I'm alive and thankful for what I have."  I thought,  "I can CHOOSE to be happy and not let things bother bother me."  And amazingly enough, it was just that easy.  And I snapped myself right outta my funk.  

So in the interest of YOUR  (say it with me) "GREATER good," I say to you "C'mon Get Happy."  I'm not naive enough or callous enough to think that all depressions and worries can be pushed aside as simply asI did mine today; however, I do believe that many of us spend time concerned about things or people that we cannot control or change.  We work ourselves up, we don't eat, we overeat, we don't sleep, we sleep too much, we get knots in our stomachs, we cry, we take things out on others and we do things that aren't good for us, when all the while none of these behaviors will effect or change what's bothering us.  So I say DON'T DO IT.  If you chose to be involved in a situation or with a person that causes you grief and distress; ask yourself if it's worth it.  If it is, then choose to be happy no matter what; and if it's not, hasta la vista baby!  For those problems that are more severe; I can only offer these words with the utmost sympathy and respect.  No matter who or what you've lost, your life will go on; even though it might not feel as sweet at the moment.  Embrace the love and care that those who are still with you want to extend and value all that you have, because you now know that nothing is a guarantee and you never know when you might experience another loss; since sadly that's how life is.  

I don't pretend to have the answer for everything, but as someone who suffered through a great deal of loss at a young age; I've learned some very difficult lessons and I'm hoping that you'll benefit from my experience.  I know that we all heal in our own time; but since you don't know how much of your own time you're going to have I hope that you spend your days choosing to feel good and being happy for what you had and thankful for what you have.

Till next time...

Queen of EVERYTHING                                                       

                                                       

(43-175) With Sympathy...

Everyone has their own personal way of dealing with their grief, loss, depression, stress; etc. We all have our own means of coping. For some, it is best to be surrounded by loved ones, while for others isolation is more soothing. Because people vary so much, it can be difficult to know how to be there for a friend when they're hurting; but I hoped that I knew what my dear friend, Rachel K needed.

A few months ago, Rachel had suffered the loss of her beloved friend; Barry; and then on December 26, she had to say goodbye to her four legged son, Bart. I may not get this exactly right; but I believe that Bart was a 16 1/2 year old, wire haired, Dachshund; and I can honestly say that I have never met anyone who was more devoted to their dog; than Rachel. Rachel adored Bart; and she treated him with the utmost love and respect. During the last month of his life, Rachel cooked special meals for Bart and tried to do everything and anything to restore his health. She even took him to a holistic vet in addition to seeing her traditional vet.

When Rachel called to tell me that they had to put Bart to rest; she was sobbing uncontrollably, and I felt helpless. There are NEVER any words that anyone can say to someone who has experienced such a loss; and so all I could say was "I'm so sorry;" and I was / am. I'm so sorry that she has to hurt; I'm so sorry that she has to be without her friends. I'm so sorry that she won't get to hold them or be comforted by them again, and I'm so sorry that this is unfortunately the way that life is.

I hadn't heard from Rachel since she called to tell me about losing Bart; but because I know that she needs to keep to herself when she's upset; I tried not to crowd her. I left her a message on a weekly basis; just so she would know that I was thinking of her; and I sent her a text as well. I wanted her to know that when she was ready, I'd be here for her; and in the meantime, I'd wait and send my love.

Rachel was very much on my mind today; and perhaps that's why she called me. Rachel told me that she was working on healing, slowly; and we discussed how unfair death was. I told Rachel that I felt terrible for not being able to do more for her; but I knew from personal experience that there was absolutely nothing that I could say. I apologized for not being able to do anything to provide her with some relief, and again told her how sorry I was for her loss. We chatted a bit longer, and discussed how awful death is. I said that hopefully, as time goes on; she'll be able to remember the wonderful times that she'd had with Barry and Bart and those feelings of gratitude  would replace the agonizing pain that she was experiencing now.  I know that right now, that seems impossible; but I speak from experience when I say it can be done. It will always hurt to miss our loved ones; but I do believe that Tennyson is right, "Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all."

Rachel is a woman who treasures her family of friends, and all that are fortunate enough to call her friend; are truly blessed. I am so sorry for Rachel's recent losses; and for anyone who has experienced the loss of a loved one. All I can offer is my love , my words and my sympathy; and hope that in some way, there is comfort in that.
Till next time...
Queen of EVERYTHING

Remembering My Mom

In Loving Memory of Leona Weiner Howell:

Sometime within the next few days it is the 22nd anniversary of my mom passing away. If you do the math, that would have made me 19. My dad had passed away just 3 years before; and my god I just cannot believe that it has been that long. Now it may seem odd that I don't know the exact day that she passed; but neither does my brother. I think that we've both blocked it out because it would just be too painful to remember on one specific day. All I know is that it was sometime between the 9th and the 13th of September. I'm inclined to think it was September 11th but that could just be me associating one disastrous day with another.
My mom was sick for many years. She had cancer when I was in high school; and then she went into remission, but a few months after I went away to college, she got sick again and she never recuperated. It was heart breaking and devastating and I miss her EVERY DAY. My mom was AMAZING (even though I didn't always realize and appreciate her at the time.) She was intelligent, beautiful, sexy, funny and charming; she had a true magnetic personality. When my mom walked in to a room, all heads turned; both men's and women's; she just had a presence that commanded attention. (Anyone who had the pleasure of knowing my mom, please leave a comment and verify that I am speaking nothing but the unadulterated truth - it would be a wonderful tribute.)

My mom was a straight shooter, a good listener and she was a compassionate friend. She was helpful and kind and GOOD. Now I'm not saying that she was perfect - she was human, so how could she be - but boy, was she close to it. It makes me so sad that we don't always know what we've got till it's gone. I wish that I'd had a better relationship with her before she got sick; but we lived a part for several years due to Richie Howell's lies and manipulations. Ironically enough, I KNOW the exact day that he died - July 16, 1983.

I'm not writing about my mom to illicit any pity or sympathy; you all should know me better than that. I just wanted to share a lesson that I have learned, because; say it with me "I'm all about the greater good." I want people to recognize that dying does not suddenly erase any errors of your past. Again, we are human; we are not perfect, and no one is expected to be; but sometimes when people pass away their loved ones tend to put them on a pedestal, and remember only the good things, and then beat themselves up over how they could have done things differently or been a better person toward their loved one. I'm here to say "Don't do that;" your loved one wouldn't want you to. Hopefully your loved one has gone on to a better place and they would not want you to spend the precious time that you have on this earth, beating yourself up over things that you coulda, shoulda done differently. They weren't perfect and neither are you. I tell you this because life is for the living and there is already so much pain and suffering out there; if you have been grieving for an extended amount of time it is now time to heal; to forgive yourself as I know your loved one is forgiving you; and to be thankful for whatever time you had. As Dr. Seuss says "Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened."
I am so grateful for the time that I did have with my mom. She was a wonderful role model and I would be honored if people thought that I emulated her in any way. It kills me that my children will never know what it feels like to be hugged by her; or to make her laugh, and that she will never get to experience how absolutely, incredible and unique they are; but I can only pray that she is watching them and loving them from beyond, and protecting them with her mother's heart.
If you are fortunate enough to still have your mom and/or dad in your life; please give them an extra hug; forgive them of the latest thing they've done to piss you off; and take a picture with them. These are times you will never be able to get back when they are gone; and you are so blessed to have this opportunity; even if it doesn't always feel like it.
Till next time...
Queen of EVERYTHING