A Brand, New Ride

Safeway is not usually my supermarket of choice (no offense Safeway); but it does happen to be the closest grocery store to my house, so I run in there -(OK - if you know me in real life, you KNOW I don't RUN anywhere); rather I stop there for any last minute necessities or bagels.  I'll give them that.  Compared to their competitors, for a supermarket, they have a decent bagel - but I digress...

So I stopped at Safeway for a couple of things and as I was attempting to select some bananas, I was mesmerized by the woman who breezed by, picked up a bunch, put them in her cart and moved on.  "REALLY?"  I thought, "It's just that easy for her?  No perusing for bruising or checking for firmness?  Just - oh these are bananas, I'll just take em and go?  Wow!  What must THAT be like?

Now I'm sure you're thinking (because you know I HAVE to tell ya what I think you're thinking.) "Seriously?  No blog for five months and she just starts off about picking some bananas like that has ANYTHING to do with (say it with me), "The Greater Good?"  But alas, it does... Somehow, standing there and thinking those thoughts I knew it was time for me to get back to "The Bumpy Ride", which some might say, is for the "Greater Good."; and that is why I chose to start out this long, overdue, post by telling you about the bananas rather than lamenting over what I've been doing and why it's been so long since I've written.

Trust me when I tell you that I don't consider myself any busier than the next person.  Which is to say, that I don't think you need to hear my excuses about how busy I've been and why I haven't been able to write. I can assure you that I am fully aware of the irony of my situation.  It baffles me how I managed to write "The Ride" everyday for a year last year and yet this is the first time in months that I've been able to make time to write.  But I swear to you, it's not for lack of wanting to.  If you're not a first time Rider, then you know I'm the Queen of COMMITMENT and over the past several months, I've had MANY.  So rather than telling you why I've been busy - in the interest of (say it with me) "The Greater Good", I'll tell you what I've learned...  One of the most important jobs of a parent is advocating for the best interests of your child - academically, athletically, emotionally, and psychologically.  It's often hard to know what to do, but it's your responsibility to figure it out and do all you can to help your child achieve all that they're capable of.  I learned that perseverance and honesty pay off. I learned that forgiveness is freeing and that confidence is the cure for anxiety.  I learned that no matter how full your home is, there's always room for one more.  I learned that making people feel good, safe and happy is one of the greatest things I do and its reward is more precious than money.  I've learned that old dogs can learn new tricks.  I've learned that even if your pockets are empty and times are tough, you can always find ways to be charitable.  I've learned that (as I've suspected), I really do have my finger on the pulse of  what's hot and upcoming.  Yes, last year alone, I wrote about Alex Guarnaschelli and how awesome I thought she was and now she's like the Food Network's next big deal.  Just check them out, she's popping up on all their shows. Also, you may recall that I predicted Billy Crystal would host the next Oscars and HELLO, have you heard??   I've learned that time can heal wounds, that help sometimes comes from the most unexpected places and that "Can't" means you haven't REALLY tried.  I've learned that you need to love and accept yourself even when you're not exactly as you'd like to be.  And lastly, (well probably not lastly, but lastly for the sake of this list),  I've learned that I'm not ready to give up on my dream.  And so, if you'll have me, I REALLY want to try and get back on track and start sharing my stories with you again.  There will be tales and pictures from my New York trip, I promise!  As well as all the observational humor that I can muster, and as many recommendations that I can make for yes, (say it with me again) "The Greater Good."

A GREAT big thank you to all of you who've encouraged me to start writing again and to everyone who has missed me and "The Bumpy Ride."  I've made a few changes, such as "The Ride's" new appearance, (please share your thoughts on that), my updated profile picture, AND I've decided that since all the things I am or am not Queen of, really just make me who I am; I'll now be signing off -
Till next time...
Paige

(43-174) FORGIVENESS

I've said it more times than I can count; "I am blessed, I am blessed, I AM BLESSED;"  and so I am; in so many ways.  But tonight; the blessing that I'm referring to, is that of my children and my friends.  The response to "Do Over..." has been heart warming, as both my kids and my friends seem to believe that my analysis of my behavior was far too harsh.  Once again, I have to dispute their claims and tell you that my behavior was far from what I would expect of myself, and though every one's faith in me won't permit them to believe my assessment; it's true.

With that being said, I can tell you that I'm trying to put the incident behind me and forgive myself.  I KNOW that no one is perfect.  I KNOW that wallowing in my shame is not helpful or healthy; and I KNOW that I will do better next time; and there WILL be a next time, because I am nothing if not a fighter.  A fighter in the sense that I will not give up.  I will not be dissuaded, because for me; failure is not an option.

In the process of trying to work through my feelings about "the drama," as my kids refer to it; I looked up quotes about forgiveness; and I'd like to share some that I liked best, with you.

On Betterworld.net, I found "Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were." -- Cherie Carter-Scott

"The only way children can learn the habit of forgiveness is by seeing us, their parents, forgive others and forgive ourselves." -- Naomi Drew

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."  -- Mohandas K. Gandhi

"Forgiveness does not overlook the deed. It rises above it." 
 -- Pumla Gobodo-Madikizela

Such profound words.  They have helped me to realize that if I can forgive others (which I am apt to do;) then I myself am deserving of my own forgiveness.  I see that no one benefits from my extended lament and criticism of myself.  Instead I have to approach each day ready to do better than the last.  I need to remember what happened but not dwell on it and love myself regardless; because as RuPaul says, "If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?"

I AM forgiven.
Till next time...
Queen of EVERYTHING                     

                                                                                    

Remembering My Mom

In Loving Memory of Leona Weiner Howell:

Sometime within the next few days it is the 22nd anniversary of my mom passing away. If you do the math, that would have made me 19. My dad had passed away just 3 years before; and my god I just cannot believe that it has been that long. Now it may seem odd that I don't know the exact day that she passed; but neither does my brother. I think that we've both blocked it out because it would just be too painful to remember on one specific day. All I know is that it was sometime between the 9th and the 13th of September. I'm inclined to think it was September 11th but that could just be me associating one disastrous day with another.
My mom was sick for many years. She had cancer when I was in high school; and then she went into remission, but a few months after I went away to college, she got sick again and she never recuperated. It was heart breaking and devastating and I miss her EVERY DAY. My mom was AMAZING (even though I didn't always realize and appreciate her at the time.) She was intelligent, beautiful, sexy, funny and charming; she had a true magnetic personality. When my mom walked in to a room, all heads turned; both men's and women's; she just had a presence that commanded attention. (Anyone who had the pleasure of knowing my mom, please leave a comment and verify that I am speaking nothing but the unadulterated truth - it would be a wonderful tribute.)

My mom was a straight shooter, a good listener and she was a compassionate friend. She was helpful and kind and GOOD. Now I'm not saying that she was perfect - she was human, so how could she be - but boy, was she close to it. It makes me so sad that we don't always know what we've got till it's gone. I wish that I'd had a better relationship with her before she got sick; but we lived a part for several years due to Richie Howell's lies and manipulations. Ironically enough, I KNOW the exact day that he died - July 16, 1983.

I'm not writing about my mom to illicit any pity or sympathy; you all should know me better than that. I just wanted to share a lesson that I have learned, because; say it with me "I'm all about the greater good." I want people to recognize that dying does not suddenly erase any errors of your past. Again, we are human; we are not perfect, and no one is expected to be; but sometimes when people pass away their loved ones tend to put them on a pedestal, and remember only the good things, and then beat themselves up over how they could have done things differently or been a better person toward their loved one. I'm here to say "Don't do that;" your loved one wouldn't want you to. Hopefully your loved one has gone on to a better place and they would not want you to spend the precious time that you have on this earth, beating yourself up over things that you coulda, shoulda done differently. They weren't perfect and neither are you. I tell you this because life is for the living and there is already so much pain and suffering out there; if you have been grieving for an extended amount of time it is now time to heal; to forgive yourself as I know your loved one is forgiving you; and to be thankful for whatever time you had. As Dr. Seuss says "Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened."
I am so grateful for the time that I did have with my mom. She was a wonderful role model and I would be honored if people thought that I emulated her in any way. It kills me that my children will never know what it feels like to be hugged by her; or to make her laugh, and that she will never get to experience how absolutely, incredible and unique they are; but I can only pray that she is watching them and loving them from beyond, and protecting them with her mother's heart.
If you are fortunate enough to still have your mom and/or dad in your life; please give them an extra hug; forgive them of the latest thing they've done to piss you off; and take a picture with them. These are times you will never be able to get back when they are gone; and you are so blessed to have this opportunity; even if it doesn't always feel like it.
Till next time...
Queen of EVERYTHING