Sunday, March 4, 2007

The Queen of EVERYTHING and The Bumpy Ride (or Vice Versa)

Some people write exactly like they talk. I am without a doubt, one of these people. I am a story teller. Which is not to say that I make things up; I don't have to - because I am an incident waiting to happen; and as if that wasn't enough - the most bizarre and ridiculous things seem to happen to me. Now when I say bizarre and ridiculous, I mean stuff that no one in their right mind could make up; and because of this, one of the first things that you should know is that I NEVER exaggerate- I just don't have to. So with that explained; I ALWAYS seem to have a story, AND I always have a point, though sometimes it takes me a while to get to it. Which is again why I say, reading my blogs is like taking the bumpy ride... Eventually you get to where you're going, even if you were a little uncomfortable getting there. =0)

And here is my first of many disclaimers to come: For the most part, my punctuation might not be correct because I tend to talk and write in run on sentences. So forgive me and fasten your seat belts...

So why the Queen of EVERYTHING?? Well, back in the day, (the day pretty much being my college years, 1985-89) I would definitely have considered myself somewhat of a JAP (A Jewish American Princess.) Not so much in the spoiled, or snotty sense of the expression - but I definitely had the clothes. So now that I've grown up, it only stands to reason that I'd be a Queen -though my clothes no longer fall into the JAP mode - more like the Crap mode. LOL

Now, it seems that I am often referring to myself as the Queen of this or the Queen of that, so Queen of EVERYTHING just seemed to make sense. For instance: At work I'm known as the Queen of collections. It even says so on my phone. When I dial someone in my office the print out on their phone reads "The Queen." It' s so nice to be recognized for my talent. It would be even nicer if they were willing to provide me with appropriate monetary compensation for it.
I have been Queen of trivial things such as -Queen of 80's movies (with a specialization in B-rate flicks). You wanna talk about The Jerk, Stripes, 16 Candles, The Breakfast Club, St. Elmo's Fire, About Last Night, Girls Just Wanna Have fun, Footloose etc etc - Well bring it on. (I could probably recite each word for word) - SO much useless information floating around in my brain; it's just a shame.
I am the Queen of 70's dance music - you can call it Disco, but I don't b/c not all dance music was Disco but call it what you will - I LOVE it!!
I am the Queen of The Oscar's though when it comes to them, I refer to myself as the Mistress as I've been running an Oscar pool for 9 years now and get totally consumed by all things Oscar. Next year will be my 10th annual pool and I'm aiming for at least 50 participants, so if anyone is interested; please let me know.
I am the Queen of Musicals and seem to have a lot of useless knowledge about Broadway shows and Tony's etc.
I am the Queen of General Hospital as I have been watching it since I was 11 years old except for a break during college b/c we couldn't get reception out where my school was (Southampton, NY.)
I am the Queen of Reality TV. I LOVE the Amazing Race, American Idol, So you think you can dance, Dancing with the Stars, Real World/Road Rules challenges, Big Brother, even the Flavor of Love for crying out loud.
I'd like to consider myself The Queen of Scrapbooking, but I don't yet feel worthy of that title. Really I'm the Pied Piper of scrapbooking, b/c I organize a monthly crop (a time when scrapbooking occurs) and seem to pick up women wherever I go. With that qualification, maybe I should be the Queen of something else... Haha In addition to being the Pied Piper I am also a Paper and ribbon junkie. (Totally unrelated information to being a Queen, but you know, when you have an addiction - the first step is admitting it.)
I am definitely the Queen of Breastfeeding, I (and others) have actually even referred to me as the Breastaurant - as I was open 24/7 for almost 6 years.
I am the Queen of Drama, which is not to say that i'm a drama Queen. At least I don't think so. When I say I'm Queen of drama it's because quite often I seem to get myself into these situations that just cause an unusual amount of stress and drama for me. The aforementioned incidents and unusual situations that seem to plague me, are just NOT what most people seem to have to endure.
I am the Queen of arguing - for sure. I DEFINITELY should have been a litagator; I just got bored with it all (but that's another story,) and now you've been forewarned; as I can win an argument even when I know I'm wrong, (my poor husband.)
I am the Queen of letter writing, I have won a double appeal with an insurance company (those bastards) I have written Fellowship recommendation letters and adoption referrals and part of being the Queen of collections does come from my letter writing expertise.
Hmm hmm I think that's probably enough for now, but in the future if I mention other topics and I'm the Queen of it; I'll let you know.

And, just so there's no confusion, here's a list of things that I am most certainly NOT the Queen of: I am NOT the Queen of Computers nor ANYTHING technological. I can barely make my way onto my blog page or work my digital camera. Additionally, I am NOT the Queen of web surfing. The internet frustrates the piss out of me; so for my surfing needs I rely on my good friends Rachel K and Michele K, (who still thinks she's Michelle M b/c she got married a few weeks ago, but i'm gonna help her adapt to her new name and refer to her from here on out as Michele K).
I am NOT the Queen of Geography - I am so bad at it that I should be embarrassed. I am NOT the Queen of Science Fiction or anything remotely involvoing the word science. I am NOT the Queen of horror movies. I hate them, hate them, hate them. I mean I still check my car for canibals every night thanks to seeing Silence of the Lambs in what 1991??? And, that's not even really a horror movie.
I am NOT the Queen of thrill rides. I am a big chicken and luckily I'm married to an even bigger chicken, so the pressure to ride them is off. I'm also raising 3 little chickens, so the chance of me having to go on a thrill ride anytime in the near future is pretty slim unless my friend/sister Michele Q gets her hands on me. Michele Q is determined to break me of this fear which is pathetic in her eyes. But call me crazy, I just don't enjoy my stomache tying itself in a knot and then dropping out from under me; UNLESS it would be possible to leave it wherever it drops in which case I could get off the ride like 40 lbs lighter - Now, then I might be convinced to ride them - even daily.
I am NOT the Queen of healthy eating, though I wish I was.
I am NOT the Queen of Jazz, Opera, Heavy Metal, or Hip-Hop though I could recant Rappers delight, Roxanne Roxanne, The Show and most Salt -n-Pepa songs with my eyes closed - modern day hip-hop just ain't my thang.
I am NOT the Queen of current events though information just seems to fall into my lap right when I need it; which keeps me from looking like an uninformed, blithering idiot most of the time.
I'm sure that there are many more things that I am NOT the Queen of, and I will be happy to advise you of them when the situation arises; but, for right now we can just give me the benefit of the doubt and accept the fact that for the most part I am the Queen of Everything and I desperatley want to take you on the Bumpy Ride as often as possible.
I don't know how frequently i'll write; but I know that I really, really want to and I thank you for taking this journey with me.
Till next time...
Queen of EVERYTHING

7 comments:

Rachinla said...

Welcome to the blogging world, Queen of Everything!

Ruth said...

All hail to the Queen of Hosting Parties Where People Throw up on Their $80 Jackets! Blog on Baditza!

Anonymous said...

Paige you are hysterical!! re:Michelle K...you forgot the "Queen of forcing horrible last names onto people"..sigh...if I MUST I will be a "K"....I love the blog, I need another fix!!! - Michelle

Lacy said...

Paige,
You crack me up!!!! I love reading what you write as well as listening to you tell your stories. I can just listen and read for hours. I only wish I could put my thoughts into words like that. You have a talent and I am glad you decide to share it with us. - Lacy

Forrest Whittaker, Pier Troller and Oscar Winner said...

Dear Paige:

Meet me on the pier

Forrest

(No Im not winking. I have a DISORDER)

tealeblue said...

You are the Queen of keeping busy. Your crazy like that. Can I be the Jestor of Short term memory loss.? Love ya. Oh ya, It's 50 First Dates, I think if she had 1 more, it might have put her over the top like me.

Navin R. Johnson said...

Speaking of irony, isn't it "ironic" that no one has been able to successfully launch a "Pizza in a Cup" franchise? He may hate those cans but he loves the blog! Pay to the order of....